I don't even know if that's the right phrase for how I feel, but I'll try and explain. And yes I know this is probably a First World problem, and I should think myself lucky I'm not in Kyiv or similar. But anyhow.
2 years ago I was doing well. Healthy weight for the first time in 20 years, fit (gym x 4 per week), good job, relationship in a good place after some previous issues. Eldest child working in a job they enjoyed, youngest had finished college and planning to go travelling. Only downside was my house and garden (big reno project) needed quite a bit of work - majority of it well beyond me, so tradesmen needed. But other than that all in the metaphorical garden pretty rosy.
I've been fully working from home for 2 years now. Have only seen 4 of my colleagues face to face since then. Every day I walk 20 steps from my bed to my desk and sit there for 8 hours. I'm productive for about 10% of that time, being generous. I rarely see friends outside the house. My relationship is at a low ebb. My eldest lost their job and is struggling to find another. Youngest never travelled, never got a job and basically lives in their room like a hermit. I've gained 5 stone, did lose some last year but couldn't stick to it, did restart exercising, was doing an hour a day on the treadmill but have given that up the last fee weeks too. I look awful - I always wore make up every day without fail, I don't now. Washed my hair every day, now its twice a week.
My house is still unfinished, and though I did manage a massive declutter, its a mess. I'm the only one who does housework, which is fine, but when I don't do it the house is a shit tip. Not that my kids ever complain. I've given up cooking proper dinners in recent weeks, it just all feels too much. I have horrendous insomnia, because I do nothing with my day but work (sort of), piss about on social media, play solitaire, occasionally read, and watch endless shite on Netflix. Currently I'm averaging about 4 hours sleep a night.
The whole thing just feels broken. It feels like a game where I've gone too far off the path and basically just need to start again. Except I can't can I? We are where we are, I can't undo 2 years and redo it differently. I'm 50 soon and every aspect of my life just feels not as good as it should be.
The only positive I can think of is aside from the declutter I've mastered motorway driving thanks to the roads being emptier during lockdown. But its not much to show really.
And I don't know where to go from here, AIBU not to know how I improve things?