To ask if anyone else feels like this? Overwhelmed with it all?

[Getonwithit2022]

I don't even know if that's the right phrase for how I feel, but I'll try and explain. And yes I know this is probably a First World problem, and I should think myself lucky I'm not in Kyiv or similar. But anyhow.

2 years ago I was doing well. Healthy weight for the first time in 20 years, fit (gym x 4 per week), good job, relationship in a good place after some previous issues. Eldest child working in a job they enjoyed, youngest had finished college and planning to go travelling. Only downside was my house and garden (big reno project) needed quite a bit of work - majority of it well beyond me, so tradesmen needed. But other than that all in the metaphorical garden pretty rosy.

I've been fully working from home for 2 years now. Have only seen 4 of my colleagues face to face since then. Every day I walk 20 steps from my bed to my desk and sit there for 8 hours. I'm productive for about 10% of that time, being generous. I rarely see friends outside the house. My relationship is at a low ebb. My eldest lost their job and is struggling to find another. Youngest never travelled, never got a job and basically lives in their room like a hermit. I've gained 5 stone, did lose some last year but couldn't stick to it, did restart exercising, was doing an hour a day on the treadmill but have given that up the last fee weeks too. I look awful - I always wore make up every day without fail, I don't now. Washed my hair every day, now its twice a week.

My house is still unfinished, and though I did manage a massive declutter, its a mess. I'm the only one who does housework, which is fine, but when I don't do it the house is a shit tip. Not that my kids ever complain. I've given up cooking proper dinners in recent weeks, it just all feels too much. I have horrendous insomnia, because I do nothing with my day but work (sort of), piss about on social media, play solitaire, occasionally read, and watch endless shite on Netflix. Currently I'm averaging about 4 hours sleep a night.

The whole thing just feels broken. It feels like a game where I've gone too far off the path and basically just need to start again. Except I can't can I? We are where we are, I can't undo 2 years and redo it differently. I'm 50 soon and every aspect of my life just feels not as good as it should be.

The only positive I can think of is aside from the declutter I've mastered motorway driving thanks to the roads being emptier during lockdown. But its not much to show really.

And I don't know where to go from here, AIBU not to know how I improve things?

The difficulty sleeping, lethargy, weight gain and low mood are absolutely peri-menopause symptoms. There's no way to be sure as they could relate to other things (underactive thyroid, depression and probably others) and the past two years clearly haven't helped I would go to your GP and ask them to investigate thyroid and peri-menopause. For the former, it would be a blood test (hopefully they would also check iron, vitamin b and vitamin d as well). They could also check hormones but don't need to do this for a trial of HRT.

Not all GPs are useless, mine prescribed HRT over the phone based on my age and a description of symptoms (none of which included irregular periods or hot flushes).

I was close to feeling like this when I worked from home full time, it really wasn’t good for me. Things have improved significantly since I returned to the office for at least part of the week.

I asked for special permission to go in more often and said WFH was affecting my mental health. Is this an option for you if you can’t face looking for a new role at the moment?

What job do you do?

@Getonwithit2022

DC are 20 and 23.

I don't really have any friends locally, what the last 2 years has shown is I don't really have friends full stop. Acquaintances more than friends. DP lives in another part of the country so is only around about 1 week in 3 at most

I think the HRT seems a strong recommendation. I know I need to find the will to change stuff myself but hopefully this will help too.

Similar age to my dss. Where do you live? Do you like walking or anything like that? There's some groups for women to do adventures or just hike together.

@MoMuntervary

The difficulty sleeping, lethargy, weight gain and low mood are absolutely peri-menopause symptoms. There's no way to be sure as they could relate to other things (underactive thyroid, depression and probably others) and the past two years clearly haven't helped I would go to your GP and ask them to investigate thyroid and peri-menopause. For the former, it would be a blood test (hopefully they would also check iron, vitamin b and vitamin d as well). They could also check hormones but don't need to do this for a trial of HRT.

Not all GPs are useless, mine prescribed HRT over the phone based on my age and a description of symptoms (none of which included irregular periods or hot flushes).

I have started HRT recently and my sleeping has improved enormously, as has the anxiety. I was hoping to have a bit more get up and go though but it may not have had time to properly take affect yet - I've been on it about 2.5 weeks so far. Due blood test tomorrow - turned up today at 7.30 but had got the wrong day !!!

The better sleep is like magic isn't it @Babyroobs That and anxiety were my main symptoms too....with a healthy dose of low mood punctuated by occasional rage.

I've been on a low dose for 4 months now and feel much more like myself. Don't get me wrong, I still needed to make lifestyle changes (and still have quite a way to go on the less biscuits more exercise front ) but I feel like I have the motivation to make progress.

I work in the legal/ insurance sector.

I could ask for dispensation to go in to the office more often. The 'but' for me is that its not the office experience of 2 years ago. None of our dept will be there (except on their 1 day a month and even we have no designated desks so can't sit together), it will be people from other depts I don't know at all. I know I'll potentially get more routine but I think I'll feel as isolated. The other problem is currently I'm dropping off at 4-5am and waking up at 8.45, I'd need to leave by 7.30, ideally closer to 7 to get into the office. I know it sounds like an excuse, sorry.

We live just outside London. There are a few groups round here for walking and such that I've seen mentioned on local FB pages but they tend to take place during working hours, if I find one at the weekend I would consider going. I do quite like walking though the immediate area is quite urban. I try and walk to our local shops sometimes (3 miles each way) but haven't done this for a couple of months. DP is here this weekend so I won't be able to go then, but the weekend after I'll make sure to go.

@MoMuntervary

The better sleep is like magic isn't it *@Babyroobs* That and anxiety were my main symptoms too....with a healthy dose of low mood punctuated by occasional rage.

I've been on a low dose for 4 months now and feel much more like myself. Don't get me wrong, I still needed to make lifestyle changes (and still have quite a way to go on the less biscuits more exercise front ) but I feel like I have the motivation to make progress.

Did you find at first that you felt almost too sleepy? At the moment I am between jobs and sleep in late then am asleep on the sofa again at 3pm ! I can't work out whether it is because of the HRT or because I was just so burnout from my last job that I'm kind of just recovering and feel so lethargic??

Getonwithit2022 if you're on Facebook the wild wanderers are good. They have a main group and local groups.

Mn meet ups can be fun. I once went to one in London years ago. Travelled from up nor6. It was mad but fun. They probably have sensible ones too

Up north*

I feel exactly the same (and I’m mid 30s so definitely not peri-menopause)

Your post really resonates with me, the cycle of saying I’ll do things differently the next day, I’ll really commit to my work etc and then repeating exactly what I’ve done the day before, poor eating patterns, convenience food over cooking from scratch, not exercising as I used to. Then the guilt and anxiety that I’m not doing a “good job” in any aspect of my life and it’s all my own fault.

I also find it frustrating that I’ve always set very high standards for myself work wise and I am not meeting them by a long stretch.. but nobody appears to have noticed..

I think connection with other people is really helpful so finding ways to increase that whether it’s a hobby, a group/class or similar. I don’t think offices are ever going to be as they were pre-covid which is difficult.

Would your children be willing to engage in any activities with you, like walks or maybe something like badminton or swimming so you’re both benefitting?

I know what you mean OP. This line especially resonated with me, you saying "I don't really have any friends locally, what the last 2 years has shown is I don't really have friends full stop." It's been such a shock.

I had almost a grieving period for what lockdown did.

After that, I remembered some advice about when you don't know where to start.

Start anywhere, because then you build momentum for the next task.

Honestly, it took me from the start of the year till the weekend to feel a bit of a kick start but I do feel on a roll now.

Some things are just hard to accept. I'm sorting my wardrobe out and fortunate enough to be able to buy some new things. It was a real jolt to look at things and think "but I have nowhere to wear that" and to realise I am mostly at home.

But then I sort of processed it...things change, sometimes naturally. I'm sure we'll both be looking to make positive change and spring is coming!

Thank you. It's good to remember that starting anywhere counts as a start. I've a day off tomorrow so am going to try and do something. No grand plans of full spring clean, lots of DIY and admin tasks, 5 mile walk etc. No, I'm going to try and do something, anything that isn't sitting in front of Netflix all day!

I do relate to the high work standards. I feel I'm barely producing anything now and its of much lower quality yet no one has noticed.

One other positive, I have managed to save a bit money by not going to the office, no travel costs, no spending at lunch etc so I can now afford to get some of the jobs I need done in the house, once I can overcome my anxiety about being ripped off/overcharged/ find someone reliable (I have the worst luck with people doing work for me, so always end up disappointed, whether its some random off Nextdoor or someone recommended). I find all the finding and hiring of people so stressful. What I really want is just to give someone my budget and they do all the work, hiring etc - or as much as the budget allows - and then it's all done. I've tried to persuade my children to take that on for me but they are not keen.

OP you are actually under pressure in a lot of ways.

Something else that helps me is to put on a banging tune and have a "dance it out". I try to do that while the kettle boils for my morning coffee. Current tune of choice is this. Definitely wakes me up!

I understand exactly what you are feeling OP, although my working circumstances are different. I work outside the home, but with my commute and my role out of the house by 7am but not home till 8pm daily.

I am overwhelmed too, driven by a) a total feeling of lethargy and b) no physical time to focus on my own needs.

I am menopausal, HRT has helped but it’s not the only answer. I was hoping I’d take it and life would get to normal for me.

Something else I find is that a busy morning at work makes me crap the rest of the day. I'm lucky in that I can mostly get away with a lower level of performance. But my own standards have really sunk.

Well I've managed to do some house jobs I've been putting off, not got as much done as I'd have liked but I have at least made some progress. Which is better than nothing.

@Getonwithit2022

Well I've managed to do some house jobs I've been putting off, not got as much done as I'd have liked but I have at least made some progress. Which is better than nothing.

Yes it is. I hope you manage to organise getting tradespeople for the house.

That is better than nothing. However, there's still time to get out for a walk, even 1k or 20 minutes - I think you really, really need to get out of the house. Preferably without your phone, or at least shove it in a zipped pocket.

I do think you also need to push past your resistance to asking to go in to the office more. No it won't be the same experience but going 3 x a week or even 2 x could really shift things for you. I'm utterly useless at home working and am bloody lucky that I'm on the hospital wards so still got to go in.

Are you part of a walking group, or doing health walks locally? If there's nothing around where you are, how about starting one?

I posted a similar post on a weightlifting forum I frequent after feeling like I'd lost all my progress after 18 months off. Most of the posts were like "We agree, OP. All hope is lost and you may as well just give up now."

It was exactly what I needed and kicked me into gear. I've been back a few months now and I'm already back to deadlifting 140kg. Still need to lose some of my lockdown weight but it's coming off and regaining my muscle is improving my shape.

Stop thinking and just get back on the horse. Otherwise you'll only regret the lost time when you finally do.

@Getonwithit2022

Well I've managed to do some house jobs I've been putting off, not got as much done as I'd have liked but I have at least made some progress. Which is better than nothing.

That's good. I was meant to work out after work, no chance. Also, does being peri = permanent headache?

Pretty much. Was all hunky dory til end of 2019 - was enjoying life, going to the gym regularly, travelling, having fun, when my dm was taken ill. Then we had lockdown and had to navigate her care with social distancing (had to try and stick to it as she was very vulnerable.

Dm died then then as things started getting easier with covid DF also got ill - this is ongoing. Feeling stressed, overweight, and like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. My life is no longer my own and my house is a dump but I haven't got the time or the energy to deal with any of it.

I could have written most of your post OP - except my relationship ended; my driving skills have deteriorated so as to be non-existent; and I never achieved a clear-out/de-clutter! I feel paralysed, panicked and overwhelmed almost all the time.

@hellcatspangle

Pretty much. Was all hunky dory til end of 2019 - was enjoying life, going to the gym regularly, travelling, having fun, when my dm was taken ill. Then we had lockdown and had to navigate her care with social distancing (had to try and stick to it as she was very vulnerable.

Dm died then then as things started getting easier with covid DF also got ill - this is ongoing. Feeling stressed, overweight, and like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. My life is no longer my own and my house is a dump but I haven't got the time or the energy to deal with any of it.

Oh I feel for you.

My life was similar, very hunky dory, for which I'm grateful. Both elderly parents fell ill, dad died, then lockdown. Mum is much better but the toll of caring is very high. Add in the lockdown...but I won't focus on that.

Trying to be realistic, cooking a healthy meal tonight is a win.

I was utterly depleted after lockdown. The things that helped:

Antidepressants
Cut down on alcohol
Go back to the office at least 2 days a week
Arrange to see a friend outside of the house once a week
Declutter (as you've found)
Hire in help to blitz the house and garden until spotless
Bit of light retail therapy (replace crappy, holey clothes with something fit to be seen)
I could still do with losing weight

Once I'd done all of these things I vaguely felt like looking after my hair, nails and doing make up, which I take a a good sign. Before that point there was no point in forcing 'self-care' because I just didn't give a shit and it wouldn't have made me feel better.