To make my 14yr old packed lunch?

[Straightupp]

Don't want to drip feed, basic back story is that my DP thinks my DS could do much more around the house/for himself. I do fully agree but i mostly don't push it because it's so much easier to just do it myself. That said we do have certain rules e.g he does all his own washing up, keeps room tidy etc. He gets himself up, ready and off to school without any intervention from me and on weekends/school hols he makes his own breakfast/lunch every day and about 2 evenings a week makes his own dinner (obviously nothing special, something in the oven or a simple pasta etc)
Me and DP had different upbringings, my DM never made me lift a finger literally and my DP cooked all meals for himself after he was 16 and had a job by 14. I think this is partly why we disagree on things.

So my AIBU is basically i was making DS's lunch. I was also making toddlers and my own for work so i do them all together. DP informs me that my DS should be making his own packed lunch at 14. He is more than capable but 1. I'm already making 2 lunches anyway and 2. Is it not my choice if i want to make his lunch?
And lastly to add my DP does next to nothing around the house so i pick up his slack too yet he never complains when i've washed and put away his clothes, done his washing up or made him a meal....AIBU?

I think rather than getting him to do his own washing up and cook his own dinner, I'd get him to do all the washing up say twice a week, maybe cook everyone's dinner once a week, and get him to make all 3 packed lunches once or twice a week as well. But I can't be bothered with the faff of one person doing some dishes and then someone else finishing them off etc, or having to make 2 lunches and then someone else does 1.

Your DH needs a kick up the backside though!

My mum made my packed lunch, and breakfast, almost every day through sixth form.
Meanwhile, I often cooked tea for the family, took a fair share of other chores round the house, got buses everywhere on my own to school, activities and to meet friends (paying out of my allowance), bought my own non-uniform clothes, presents etc.
Making breakfast and pack-up and seeing us out of the door to school was just something my mum did for us as part of what we all did for one another within the family. It did not have any bearing on how independent or competent we were as teenagers (very).
So in itself it isn't a terrible thing, but if you agree DS could do more, then this could be one thing among others he could take responsibility for.

@Porcupineintherough

YABU to help bring up another generation of men who arent used to pulling their weight at home. YANBU to point out to your dp that he could lead by example.

Did you read the part where she listed everything this teen already does? And the update in WHY she does his lunches?

Your son is doing a lot already. And I knew before you confirmed it dh isn't his dad.
How do they get apart form this?

no i agree, i make my 17 year olds lunch for her she goes to college and has a job, she is perfectly capable of fixing her own food but I'm already making lunch for other people so why wouldn't I?

I don't like your DP once little bit and there's no way that I would tolerate this kind of pressure. Your DP is going to make your DS feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in his own home and I couldn't love or respect someone who didn't care about my child. I'd feel like I was being disloyal to my child if I showed my partner any affection.

Your DH sounds like a twat. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all making your DS a packed lunch. My DS is 19 and shock horror I sometimes make him a packed lunch. He doesn't expect or demand and sad as some may think it is, I like doing mumsy stuff for him sometimes. I ran him a bath once and my boyfriends eyebrows almost raised off his face. He definitely thinks I pamper DS too much but I don't care, he's my kid and if I want to pamper him then I will. OP, tell your DP to give his lazy head a wobble and maybe ask him how come it is for you to run round after him, but not for your son, your own flesh and blood.

Don't see the issue if you are already making 2. In fact I think it would actually be a bit mean to not include the 14yo if you are doing yours and younger DC.

DD2(12) usually makes her own on a morning but if DH is working (he does funny shifts) he will make for both of them. It's just families isn't it!

I make my 17yr old DS’s lunch every day. He will be gone off to Uni in 6 months - I’m happy to do it.

YANBU to make his lunch, you’re his mum and you’re making lunch anyway! My mum used to get up early to make me breakfast and would put my uniform on the radiator so it was lovely and warm. I’m a fully self sufficient adult now so hasn’t affected me!! She died a few years ago and I still remember these little things she did for me

So your DP thinks it’s ok for you to you to run around doing things for him but has an issue with you doing things for your child. Jealous prick. Tell him to grow the fuck up, do more for himself and keep out. Hell cause an issue between you and your son where there isn’t one, don’t let him.

@C152

I put YABU because I think by high school, kids should definitely be making their own lunch and, just because you are happy to do it, doesn't mean you should. If the issue is your DS makes unhealthy lunch choices, don't have chocolate spread, crisps etc in the house?

i think they should be able to but isn't a family a team? I mean you don't say "I am only going to put my rubbish out, you have to put yours out" surely its ok for one team member to do a job for the whole team provided other team members do their bit in other ways?

[quote BitOutOfPractice]@godmum56 you were pithy and accurate though!

It's amazing, isn't it, how often a poster comes to MN with one problem and it turns out that that was not the real problem and that the real problem is invariably their useless OH[/quote]
as someone who loves their wonderful late husband and misses him every day I'd like to be able to disagree but i can't.....I guess its a bit self selecting though as those of us who bagged a good'un don't post with complaints

@LondonWolf

no DP isn't his dad

I knew he wasn't as soon as I read your OP.

Funny how these unrelated adults all have so much to say about how awful the teenage children of their significant others are. I'd tell him if he didn't like it then he knows where the door is.

This. I feel sorry for your ds tbh. He's 14, not 40. He's got a lifetime ahead of adult chores. Let him be a kid for now. Your dp sounds like a spiteful wanker.

My dh had a tough upbringing , a very hardworking mother meaning they did a lot of stuff independently at a young age, he left school early to work full time, fed himself, did veg prep for his mother every evening etc. but his attitude is the opposite of your partner, that kids are kids and they should be looked after and allowed stay as kids for as long as possible. I've always made lunches, its easier to do as one task, and then I know when something is running out, I get to decide what gets used when- otherwise they'd open a new packet of something every day, and I know how much junk is being consumed. If I had asked my dd to go near food in the morning, even when she was 17-18 there would be no food taken to school. My 15 ds wouldn't do as much as your son, but this isn't a task would suit me for him to take over. Now if your ds was sitting looking at you, while you made lunches that wouldn't be acceptable you are not a maid, but my ds knows that if i am busy with a task in the morning like getting lunches ready , then he should look around and do something too, but it doesn't sound like you ds is doing this. You say you agree he should do more, and while your ds does more than my (older) ds I see lots of those tasks are self centered , maybe he needs at least one task that someone else benefits from, maybe he could make the toddlers tea on set days, sets the table every night for breakfast , or do the bins, because its a good lesson to see how being part of a family means you work together.

Your lazy arsehole of a husband hasn’t really got any right to talk when you’re basically wiping his area for him. Start doing less for him instantly for one, and carry on making lunch for your DS if you want to. I personally don’t know how you could even be with such a pathetic excuse for a man but he’s not being a good role model for you son.

@mumof2exhausted

YANBU to make his lunch, you’re his mum and you’re making lunch anyway! My mum used to get up early to make me breakfast and would put my uniform on the radiator so it was lovely and warm. I’m a fully self sufficient adult now so hasn’t affected me!! She died a few years ago and I still remember these little things she did for me

What a lovely mum you had

I think that's what annoys me most is that DP honestly has never operated a washing machine or EVER cooked the family a meal yet i'm doing too much by making DS lunch for school.

Have you told him to do it and then let him do it?

One of my SILs was like this for a few years. Myself, other siblings and older family members pointed out her husband, one of my brothers, was use to doing a lot around the house since childhood and she didn't need to do it all. Slowly she stopped doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing. So when I go around either of them will have cooked a meal to eat or be cleaning something.

In my wider social circle it is normal for mothers to go away for overnight/a weekend/a few days, and leave the kids with their fathers. All the men, however poor their house care skills are, get livid if their wife/partner tries to give them instructions on anything or phones them to many times.

Sounds like the only place dp thinks OPs son should be is up a chimney or down a mine.

I make a packed lunch for dd14 and she is very appreciative

I had a very uncaring upbringing with very little parenting. My children aren’t spoilt but I mother them - in the literal not negative sense of the word.

Your ds sounds a lovely young chap.

Given what your DS does seems reasonable.

I think your DS is doing well to get himself up for school without needing to be shouted on half a dozen times and deserves some credit for keeping his room tidy too. Sure he could make his packed lunch for himself but if you don’t mind doing it why not? I definitely would not be taking advice from your lazy, hypocritical partner that’s for sure.

You say you agree that your 14 year old could do much more around the house but then list quite a lot of stuff that he already does that I bet a lot of 14 year olds don’t and then state that your DP does next to nothing! Surely in terms of doing things, your DP as an adult should do more than a child? Madness. Your DS sounds great but your DP, words fail me.