To make my 14yr old packed lunch?

[Straightupp]

Don't want to drip feed, basic back story is that my DP thinks my DS could do much more around the house/for himself. I do fully agree but i mostly don't push it because it's so much easier to just do it myself. That said we do have certain rules e.g he does all his own washing up, keeps room tidy etc. He gets himself up, ready and off to school without any intervention from me and on weekends/school hols he makes his own breakfast/lunch every day and about 2 evenings a week makes his own dinner (obviously nothing special, something in the oven or a simple pasta etc)
Me and DP had different upbringings, my DM never made me lift a finger literally and my DP cooked all meals for himself after he was 16 and had a job by 14. I think this is partly why we disagree on things.

So my AIBU is basically i was making DS's lunch. I was also making toddlers and my own for work so i do them all together. DP informs me that my DS should be making his own packed lunch at 14. He is more than capable but 1. I'm already making 2 lunches anyway and 2. Is it not my choice if i want to make his lunch?
And lastly to add my DP does next to nothing around the house so i pick up his slack too yet he never complains when i've washed and put away his clothes, done his washing up or made him a meal....AIBU?

You DS is still a child and sounds like he is doing lots already, far more than my children were expected to do at that age.

I don’t like the sound of your ‘DP’.

Am I reading this right? Your lazy arsed useless adult husband who does no domestic stuff, is having a go at you because he thinks your son is not doing enough domestic stuff?

You see how many shades of wrong / hypocritical/ annoying / absolutely bloody infuriating that is don’t you OP?

Is your husband usually this obtuse?

Just read your update, now really don’t like the sound of your DP. Put your child first op.

@godmum56 has it right. Except she omitted “lazy” from the description of your “D”P

although teens are perfectly capable of making lunch, they're not always well organised or motivated. I make lunches for my 15yo and 11yo to maximise the chances that they'll have something vaguely nutritional that day. Otherwise I think one of them would skip lunch half the time, and the other would spend a fortune on chocolate at the canteen. They have plenty of other jobs around the house to foster independence and life skills. I can't see that this is something for your DP to lose sleep over.

[quote BitOutOfPractice]@godmum56 has it right. Except she omitted “lazy” from the description of your “D”P[/quote]
whoops yes i did!

I am usually at the amount of mums I come across making their teen DC's lunches. I don't make my DC's lunches (10, 12, 14) and even when they were small, they had to do some of it themselves.

However, YANBU at all - 1. your DS sounds very capable and the fact he gets up and out in the morning with no intervention is brilliant! 2. your DP sounds horrible and lazy and if I were you, I'd be reconsidering my relationship.

Making lunches for someone, anyone in your family, isn't a bad thing to do, it's a nice thoughtful act, whether it's for DS or DP. As long as the other person is reciprocating somewhat similarly, it's fine. DS is, and DP isn't.

I think your 'D'P sounds pretty mean as well as lazy. How does he treat your DS otherwise? If a man had a grudge about me doing something for my kids while expecting me to run around picking up after him, I'd be showing him the door. What does he actually bring to your lives?

@HangOnToYourself

Worth pointing out that your dps upbringing clearly hasnt instilled a work ethic to clean up after himself so what is his point regarding your ds?

Blooming brilliant point

BIL once complained because SIL irons their DC's clothes and not his - they're 7 and 5. Men like him and yours are twats.

We have the opposite here. DS has few chores. But if I ask him to do them, 9/10 DH will do them for him. Drives me crazy.

As long as your son is capable of making his own lunch if necessary, there's nothing wrong with you doing it for him. I made my daughter's packed lunch all the way until she was 18 because it was easier for everyone early in the morning, and it was a small way of me being able to care for her. Nothing wrong with it.

Sounds like your 14 yr old does way more than your dp, maybe suit him better to take a leaf out of 14 yr olds book.

@godmum56 you were pithy and accurate though!

It's amazing, isn't it, how often a poster comes to MN with one problem and it turns out that that was not the real problem and that the real problem is invariably their useless OH

@ThinWomansBrain yes DP does do his own so 1 point to him there i guess, but he mostly buys something at work or takes something pre-packaged like sausage rolls or chicken bites. He wouldn't take a sandwich/wrap which is what i make for the rest of us.
I know it shouldnt be tit for tat but when he has never made me a meal i feel like why should i offer to make his lunch too when im already doing the dinners (bar the occasional takeaway or when DP cooks only for himself as its something only he likes and i dont have much experience cooking it)

I think it would be really quite weird to make a packed lunch for yourself and your toddler and then insist that DS makes his own packed lunch separately. It feels like it would be less efficient to have him make his own packed lunch on a day when you're making two lunches anyway. And it means you've got a reasonable overview of what he's actually eating too.

It sounds to me as if your DS is pretty good around the house for a 14-year-old - he's washing up after himself, keeping his room tidy, getting himself up and off to school off his own steam, and he makes his own meals quite often too, so he's doing what seems like a fairly reasonable amount for a young teenager and you've encouraged him to be responsible for himself in many ways. For your DP to be specifically hung up on the packed lunch thing is bizarre.

It's also incredibly hypocritical of your DP to do fuck-all while trying to lay down the law to your child. He ought to lead by example.

My dm used to make my packed lunches at that age, I really appreciated it. I don't think I was very organised at that age and probably wouldn't have been able to coordinate myself. Despite all that I still think that 14 is young and it's okay to help out! I make my dh packed lunch and he's 43!

I'm slightly torn, because on the one hand I do think at 14 kids are more than capable of making their own lunches and I think it's our job as parents to ensure that they have more responsibility as they get older, otherwise they'll end up clueless when they leave home.

But that said, your DS obviously does a fair amount already, so it's not like you're babying him. And the fact your DH does sod all really doesn't put him in a position to criticise!

If it’s something you want to, or are happy to, do for your ds then it’s absolutely fine. Makes sense to do them all together. I think i general I’d make sure he has some chances to organise similar things for himself - so the odd packed lunch or snack for a hobby or whatever, but it doesn’t have to be this specific thing.

How ironic that your DH does nothing himself but wants his child to sort himself out!

So I have a 13 yo dd and whilst I’d often do her packed lunch if she has one for school (usually has school meals) but I know she can do her own, as she has done before and is very organised .

Aside from your lazy DP, surely having a hodgepodge of people doing their own cooking/dishes/laundry is a pain in the arse.
My DC look after their own space (e.g make their own bed) and do some general chores like unpacking the dishwasher, mopping the floor etc, but I can't imagine how you could have multiple people all making lunches in the morning. I find it bad enough when they all swarm in making breakfast.
YANBU to make his lunch. Would it even make your life easier to have him jostling along in the kitchen trying use chopping boards etc when you're already there?
And yeah, parent lunches are usually cheaper and healthier too. How many young and preteens would bother to make a lunch with fresh fruit and salad wraps, vs a lunchbox full of snacks and convenience foods?

no DP isn't his dad

I knew he wasn't as soon as I read your OP.

Funny how these unrelated adults all have so much to say about how awful the teenage children of their significant others are. I'd tell him if he didn't like it then he knows where the door is.

YABU to help bring up another generation of men who arent used to pulling their weight at home. YANBU to point out to your dp that he could lead by example.

I put YABU because I think by high school, kids should definitely be making their own lunch and, just because you are happy to do it, doesn't mean you should. If the issue is your DS makes unhealthy lunch choices, don't have chocolate spread, crisps etc in the house?

It seems it’s one rule for the stepson and another rule for him / his kids. For your DS’ sake get rid of your DP.

Sounds like your son already does his fair share!