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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite her to my Baby Shower?

94 replies

BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 11:16

Just looking for difference in opinions really if I may.

I have a baby shower planned for April. Invites have been sent and I have had a lot of people come back to say they would love to come, family included from both sides and my Boyfriend’s side. Really looking forward to it.

I haven’t invited one of my cousins, I’ll call her Emily. The reason for this is I’m not close with her, she’s given me no congratulations whatsoever over my pregnancy and hasn’t reached out to me or family to contact us since her parent’s divorced (my auntie is her mum- my mum’s sister). Since the divorce she has kept her distance from her mum's side of the family.

Everyone who is coming has been quite close to me over past few years and recently. I’ve also had a hearty congrats from them all either in person or a quick message online. Why would I want to invite someone who hasn’t even responded to any of my family’s messages for years because she doesn’t see herself as part of ‘this side of the family anymore’ , ignores birthdays to any of us, no happy birthdays on Facebook despite us all saying it to her to keep Auntie happy. I have been made to feel awful from my Nan and my Auntie for not inviting her…?

Basically been told I need to realise she is family also so an invite could be sent out ‘even if she says no’ ?! But my argument is shouldn’t she realise she has family also? I didn’t mean to not invite her deliberately, I just want my closest people there. I didn't do it out of spite despite what they think.

My mum has agreed to only invite who I want and supports me. She has been upset in the past with Emily over low contact and ignore of messages. No thank yous, and no appearances at family gatherings for the last 4 years.

Emily lives midlands way, we are South East. She does occasionally travel down to see family and friends but has not been to any family gatherings for a couple of years now.

There are a couple of cousins on my side of the family who are distant that I also haven’t invited but they live a couple of hours away from us and probably wouldn’t come as we aren’t close, I wouldn’t want to put them in the position anyway and they would probably be mature enough to understand that.

Am I being unreasonable for not inviting her? Even if it is just to keep other people happy if I did? Sad

OP posts:
Satingreenshutters · 02/03/2022 15:00

@BabygirlMum1992

That's great then [smile]**@Satingreenshutters**
Exactly so stop stressing. Your event. Emily won't be there. Bonus.
SirChenjins · 02/03/2022 15:23

[quote BabygirlMum1992]@SirChenjins thanks for your comment. I suppose I feel like we have reached out before and received nothing back so it's just efforts wasted again. [/quote]
It is effort wasted - but to appease your DGM and DM just send a quick text (whilst rolling your eyes inwardly and practising your ‘told you so’ when she doesn’t reply!)

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2022 15:28

No invitation, no. SOme of my cousins are really close to me, others aren't. I grew up with some, not with others or we've drifted apart. YOu invite who is important to you, not random people who happen to share DNA.

Ladylornax12 · 02/03/2022 15:58

@Satingreenshutters 👏👏👏

strawberryapricotpie · 02/03/2022 16:04

I'm not the best person to answer this because I think baby showers are grabby. But if you want my opinion, if you do invite this person you're not normally in contact with, it could well be seen as a gift grab, so you're probably right not to bother.

I do agree with pps that no one owes you congratulations on being pregnant, though.

hibbledibble · 02/03/2022 16:10

I wouldn't stress about this. It sounds like if you invite her, she likely won't come, so a breezy message inviting her if she wants is the easiest way forwards.

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 16:13

If I were Emily I’d be much happier not to receive an invitation to your baby shower so that I didn’t have to make up an excuse not to come quite honestly.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 16:20

@PinkSyCo

If I were Emily I’d be much happier not to receive an invitation to your baby shower so that I didn’t have to make up an excuse not to come quite honestly.
By the sounds of it she wouldn't even bother with the excuse, she'd just ignore the invite
MsFogi · 02/03/2022 16:26

I'm sure she'll be hugely relieved - baby showers are hideous.

Juniper68 · 02/03/2022 16:35

Just invite her she won't come anyway.

Martianworld · 02/03/2022 16:36

It's your party and you can invite who you want. But this is so much stress whilst you're pregnant. If you've got loads of people coming, is one more a real problem? By omitting just her out of your family, it looks like you're trying to make a point and it could look bit mean. Why would you want to do that?
Personally, I'd just invite her because what does it matter? She'll just chat with family and relatives, or more likely not even come. Either way you've avoided stress by keeping everyone happy.

MabelsApron · 02/03/2022 16:38

Any chance DM and DA have been haranguing Emily already about your baby and she's fed up of hearing about it? I can't really comprehend your mum and auntie being so upset about Emily not getting an invite to your party. It all just feels a bit overblown and Emily sounds well shot of it all.

(One reason I'm delighted to only have childless and childfree friends now - attended far too many bloody baby showers over the years, and they've all been heinously self-indulgent.)

forrestgreen · 02/03/2022 16:50

Is there anything that she's organised that she hasn't invited you to. Maybe point that out to Nan

MaudieandMe · 02/03/2022 17:09

You know OP, this isn't about the Baby Shower but a bit of a power play. I think this is a great opportunity to make it clear to your Aunty and Nan that you're an independent grown woman who doesn't actually need anyone else's permission before making any decision.

Shut them up by replying..."Thanks for offering your opinion but I've decided....".

No need for any explanation why either. Do it every single time any of them try to tell you what to do.

Honestly, they will continue to offer unwanted opinions throughout your life if you let them get away with bossing you into submission on this one.

My mum used to get brow beaten by my Aunty and it was ridiculous as mum had a good career and Aunty never went out to work a day in her life, but she felt obliged to do what Aunty required as Aunty was the eldest (and very spoilt!).

Arabellla · 02/03/2022 20:38

@Juniper68

Just invite her she won't come anyway.
Why invite her then? To stroke her ego?
PurpleDaisies · 02/03/2022 21:55

Why invite her then? To stroke her ego?

Read the op’s posts. It will keep the relatives who want to invite her happy.

Juniper68 · 02/03/2022 21:58

Arabellla yes exactly that ffs. No because gran will be happy.

Heartofglass12345 · 02/03/2022 23:06

I wouldn't even recognise some of my cousins if I walked past them in the street lol. It's up to you who you invite, no one else!

Arabellla · 03/03/2022 04:54

@Juniper68

Arabellla yes exactly that ffs. No because gran will be happy.
Gran can invite her to her own house to be happy ‘ffs’
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