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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite her to my Baby Shower?

94 replies

BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 11:16

Just looking for difference in opinions really if I may.

I have a baby shower planned for April. Invites have been sent and I have had a lot of people come back to say they would love to come, family included from both sides and my Boyfriend’s side. Really looking forward to it.

I haven’t invited one of my cousins, I’ll call her Emily. The reason for this is I’m not close with her, she’s given me no congratulations whatsoever over my pregnancy and hasn’t reached out to me or family to contact us since her parent’s divorced (my auntie is her mum- my mum’s sister). Since the divorce she has kept her distance from her mum's side of the family.

Everyone who is coming has been quite close to me over past few years and recently. I’ve also had a hearty congrats from them all either in person or a quick message online. Why would I want to invite someone who hasn’t even responded to any of my family’s messages for years because she doesn’t see herself as part of ‘this side of the family anymore’ , ignores birthdays to any of us, no happy birthdays on Facebook despite us all saying it to her to keep Auntie happy. I have been made to feel awful from my Nan and my Auntie for not inviting her…?

Basically been told I need to realise she is family also so an invite could be sent out ‘even if she says no’ ?! But my argument is shouldn’t she realise she has family also? I didn’t mean to not invite her deliberately, I just want my closest people there. I didn't do it out of spite despite what they think.

My mum has agreed to only invite who I want and supports me. She has been upset in the past with Emily over low contact and ignore of messages. No thank yous, and no appearances at family gatherings for the last 4 years.

Emily lives midlands way, we are South East. She does occasionally travel down to see family and friends but has not been to any family gatherings for a couple of years now.

There are a couple of cousins on my side of the family who are distant that I also haven’t invited but they live a couple of hours away from us and probably wouldn’t come as we aren’t close, I wouldn’t want to put them in the position anyway and they would probably be mature enough to understand that.

Am I being unreasonable for not inviting her? Even if it is just to keep other people happy if I did? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 11:56

@SartresSoul she wouldn't that's the thing, but they wanted her to have the option to say no if she wanted to just to keep people happySmile makes sense right?

OP posts:
dworky · 02/03/2022 12:25

@Mrstwiddle

I think you’re drastically over estimating the importance of your baby shower to other people.
This. Another example of ridiculous American culture we should all really know better than to adopt.
Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:29

@dworky 🙄

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 02/03/2022 12:33

@Mrstwiddle don’t be so mean! The gran and aunt are giving the OP grief so clearly the shower IS very important to them!

OP ignore the hate on here. In terms of invites you have a few options, depending on how much you care about relationship with gran and aunt.

  1. politely say: sorry gran, she’s made it clear she’s not interested in a relationship with me so I’m respecting her wishes and limiting contact. Feel free to ask her to send me congratulations and invite me to things if she wants to, to build the relationship.

  2. tell gran you’ll invite her solely for gran’s sake and you expect gran to take your views into account for guest lists for future events. Send v short invite to cousin: “hi cousin, having a small gathering on x date for baby, feel free to drop by if you’re around”

  3. take the people pleasing option and issue her the same invite as everyone else (I would only do this if cousin is generally a nice person and wouldn’t cause any issues if she did show up).

Family politics are hard, I had loads for my wedding so I feel your pain!

Movingsoon21 · 02/03/2022 12:35

The fact it’s a baby shower is a red herring - the real question here is: is it ok to invite some family members to an event but not others?

I would say yes as long as you don’t just leave out one person (even then it’s ok if theyre abusive or horrible)

Ladylornax12 · 02/03/2022 12:37

I thought baby showers were meant to be thrown for you bu somebody else? I didn’t realize people threw their own and expected people to come and shower then with baby gifts? Sorry if this is now the fine thing and I missed it. Seems a bit of a cheek to me though!

Imissmoominmama · 02/03/2022 12:37

Just invite her- you’ve said she won’t come anyway.

Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:40

@Ladylornax12 I'm not expecting gifts but thank you for your comment Smile you may find plenty of people throw them clearly just you don't get invited to any? They are common where I'm from.

OP posts:
Joinedforthis22 · 02/03/2022 12:40

You're brave mentioning Baby Showers on MN OP Wink (I love them and had my own but as you've seen posters love hating on them). To be honest I'd just send an invite to Emily to keep the peace, it's not like a wedding where your splashing out thousands of pounds on an ungrateful guest. Sounds like she is struggling with her parents divorce and though she may not feel like she can reach out to you, divided loyalties etc she may appreciate being included even if she doesn't verbalize it, what "cost" is it to you to just send an invite?

Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:41

@Movingsoon21 Thank you for your comment, thinking of asking her to keep Gran happy even though I know full well she won't come??

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 02/03/2022 12:42

It all sounds a bit petty to me but it’s your party so you shouldn’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to.

Ladylornax12 · 02/03/2022 12:43

@BabygirlMum1992 lol the whole point is to get gifts! I’ve been to a few actually but they are normally thrown by a mum or a best friend for the pregnant woman. No I’ve never heard of someone throwing their own , sorry.

Grinling · 02/03/2022 12:43

But she is utterly, utterly unlikely to come -- if she lives in a different part of the country, hasn't been to any family gatherings to which she was invited for four years and is keeping her distance from your side of the family since her parents divorced. It's irrelevant whether or not you invite her.

balalake · 02/03/2022 12:44

Your choice as to who to invite and your reasons seem OK to me. I think baby showers are something that should be consigned to history, but if you are going to have one, don't invite who you have little contact with.

Sally872 · 02/03/2022 12:46

Sounds like a nice opportunity to show her your side of the family still consider her family even if she doesn't come. I would invite her as I would never leave out one family member unless they done something awful or were likely to make the event unpleasant.

She will probably say no thanks and you know you did the right thing. Or maybe it will be the chance for her to build some bridges and come along. I don't think either of those scenarios is a problem.

Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:46

@Joinedforthis22 I'm not throwing my own ?? When did I say that? I'm having it organised for me ?

It's actually not always the point Smile i don't need the gifts when I have bought everything myself. I've been to plenty where gifts are not expected it's just the celebration of a pregnancy and the mother and games etc. But each to their own.... to presume I'm throwing one just to want gifts is laughable, sorry.

OP posts:
TheCatThatWalkedAlone · 02/03/2022 12:47

Just invite her - sounds she won’t bother to respond.

Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:47

@Grinling That was my way of thinking also, I haven't sent the invite to her but it's caused a lot of backlash with other members of the family so don't see the fact she doesn't come to any events.

OP posts:
Joinedforthis22 · 02/03/2022 12:48

@Ladylornax12 I threw my own, paid for catering and entertainment. It was lovely to get my girlfriends together to celebrate. They also got me gifts for the baby, which I would have expected them to do because isn't that what you do when someone is going to have a baby? I'm glad I did as I then couldn't see everyone as lockdown happened. They were fed, watered and entertained, as people say about weddings it's an invitation, not a summons.

TabithaTittlemouse · 02/03/2022 12:49

Have you not wondered if she’s ok? Maybe she’s struggling?

Joinedforthis22 · 02/03/2022 12:50

@BabygirlMum1992 I think you tagged me by mistake, I was for the baby shower and didn't mention gifts. My point was you're not paying like a wedding so why not invite her to keep the peace.

Suprima · 02/03/2022 12:52

What a load of fuss over nothing. Text her ‘having a get together to celebrate baby- come if you are about! Would be nice to see you!’ to keep the peace.

This isn’t a wedding and really shouldn’t generate so much drama.

Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:54

@TabithaTittlemouse I haven't reached out to her. My sister did over Christmas and was ignored. We can see she is on social media leading a happy life with her partner, we sort of leave her to it but no I haven't reached out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabygirlMum1992 · 02/03/2022 12:54

Ah I'm so sorry @Joinedforthis22

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 02/03/2022 12:55

This all sounds so ridiculous and over the top. So dramatic. It's a Baby Shower....which the vast majority of people absolutely loathe. You'll be doing her a favour not inviting her as I can't imagine she would be interested going tbh.

Also - either you're organising or other people are. You seem to want the final say on your attendees so then don't invite her.

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