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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go

57 replies

Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 11:05

So I’ve been in a relationship 6+ months, it’s going well. The problem is with my other half’s parents who have made it clear they don’t like me.

My boyfriend has admitted that his parents can be difficult and that they have said things that are out of line and that he expected them to apologise. The apology never came despite him raising it with them.

Now 3 months on, he wants me to attend a family birthday and an afternoon lunch with his parents. I’ve told him that without them acknowledging and apologising for what they’ve said previously then I would feel loathed to spend time with them.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable and I should just let it go given it was three months ago now and the apology is unlikely to come.

Should I have gotten over it and attend or am I right not to want to go?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/03/2022 11:06

Given he is happy for you to be disrespected I would be questioning the entire relationship tbh... He is telling you their feelings are more important to him than yours...
Surely you can do better than that?

FinallyHere · 02/03/2022 11:09

You have a fundamental difference of opinion. You expect an apology and he is 'used to ' his parents and doesn't expect they will ever apologise.

This will not be a one off.

I'm sorry but in your shoes I wouldn't see a long term future with him.

KarmaStar · 02/03/2022 11:15

You do have different view points,he clearly doesn't respect you enough and if you don't go you'll be described no doubt as precious by his family and if you do go you'll be allowing them to get away with being rude.
However,not knowing what was said or how it was said,you're not going to get a 100% unbiased response here because we only have what we read above.
So you are going to have to either explain more or talk to a close friend.
But your instinct is telling you what to do,listen to it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/03/2022 11:21

I think it really depends what was said and why they said it .

inheritancetrack · 02/03/2022 11:23

Go with good grace, but explain to bf that if they are rude to you again thats the last time they will see you. He can also tell them that. Waiting on an apology is a bit childish imo.

Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 11:36

They have said to him out right that they don’t like me. I don’t feel like I can go to lunch with people who feel that way about me Hmm

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 02/03/2022 11:59

So they didn't actually say anything to you then, it was your bf who passed on a message that wasn't intended for you? That's nice of him.

ilovesooty · 02/03/2022 12:01

@Peoplesuck

They have said to him out right that they don’t like me. I don’t feel like I can go to lunch with people who feel that way about me Hmm
I wouldn't want to go either.
Grinling · 02/03/2022 12:04

@Peoplesuck

They have said to him out right that they don’t like me. I don’t feel like I can go to lunch with people who feel that way about me Hmm
So they didn't tell you, they said it to your boyfriend and he helpfully passed it on? Why? Did they also tell him exactly why they didn't like you, and did he pass that on, too? Has this dislike been reflected in their behaviour when you actually were in their company, or is this all hearsay?
Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 12:25

No, he’s wonderful

They made inappropriate comments the first time I met them. They compared me to his ex girlfriend who they both adored apparently. Comments about them being sad they had broken up etc etc. Obviously I was bit upset that they said these things having only met me. My boyfriend tackled them on it after I left and made it clear he thought they were out of line. He was very apologetic to me.

We both assumed they would apologise but the next time I went to their house they didn’t. I thought if I graciously went over there they would apologise and that would be it.

There have been two more instances of them making comments about how much time he spends with me. That they feel like they are losing their son. They paint me out to be difficult

When I refused to go back over after this, they had an argument with my boyfriend were they stated I was being dramatic and that they didn’t think I was the right one for him and they couldn’t warm to me.

The upcoming birthday is his dad’s 70th and he wants me at family occasions going forward. Family seems to be very important to him but knowing how they view our relationship and the arguments I don’t feel like I can

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/03/2022 12:33

they seem odd - but maybe they thought it was a bit OTT to be describing someone you've only just started a relationship with as "your other half"

Grinling · 02/03/2022 12:35

Then I don't think this has a future. His parents are mourning the demise of his old relationship, and don't like where this one with you is going, and he's clearly pretty involved in their lives and them in his. Do you really want to be stuck in the middle?

I don't see why you don't actually all four of you sit down and talk about it, though -- if you'd like to make the relationship work still. It sounds as though the pattern is you go over, feel disliked or unwelcome, don't say anything and leave, he brings it up with them after you've gone, and comes home and apologises to you, and then the same thing happens all over again.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/03/2022 12:38

Maybe explain they will never see you as a family member and you aren't prepared to sit there in a one sided relationship.. He is being unreasonable to expect you to be around them.
My mil hissed at me dh's ex wanted his dc when we told her I was pregnant.. Dh had left the room.. Our relationship went quickly downhill and haven't seen her since ds was a few weeks old. Over 7 years now. Dh is nc also.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/03/2022 12:41

I can't see this changing. If you stay with this man I can see you rowing about it for the next 20 years. You will also feel unsupported by him and he will feel torn for the next 20 years.

Even if they suddenly saw sense and apologised, you would have the next 20 years of family occasions spent with people who have openly said that they don't like you!

To tell your son that you don't like their girlfriend so soon, sounds very interfering and disrespectful. I fear this is them telling you who they are Sad.

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2022 12:41

It’s rotten they have said those hurtful comments to you but I’d also be questioning what your boyfriend has said to them. I have several brothers and have met many girlfriends over the years. Some I’ve liked more than others and even though I’d never say that to the girl j have said it in passing to my parents. My brothers have then moaned about things their girlfriends have done and that gives my parents an opinion of them- one of which they are too polite to voice.
Has he maybe complained about something small and they’ve taken that to him spending to much time with you etc?
You’ve said he’s family orientated.
He wants his partner to be part of his life so as much as he will stick up for you, you also don’t want to cause major arguments there.
You need to decide what you want from this relationship.
I previously split up with my ex because his mum didn’t like me and i hated being the reason they didn’t talk.
You could always try be the bigger person, go and be polite and if anything is said then don’t meet up with them again. Explain this to your boyfriend so he knows that this is where you stand with it all.
I don’t agree with them being rude to you and if it continues then you need to decide is the relationship really worth all the hassle with the in laws?

MissMaple82 · 02/03/2022 12:44

Just go unless you want this pettiness to carry on for years to come. Try being the bigger person

balalake · 02/03/2022 12:47

They don't like you, whether or not you have a made-up excuse not to go or decline for some other reason, just don't go.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2022 12:50

He’s prioritising their feelings over yours. That’s not going to change. If you stay with him life will be crap. He’s not wonderful. He’s very very selfish. Don’t settle for that.

Arabellla · 02/03/2022 12:54

They made inappropriate comments the first time I met them. They compared me to his ex girlfriend who they both adored apparently. Comments about them being sad they had broken up etc etc. Obviously I was bit upset that they said these things having only met me.

Made the comments to whom - to YOU or to him when you weren’t there?

They are allowed to express an opinion to him and don’t have to apologise to you for that.

You’re being very vague about who they made the comments to Hmm

I agree that you shouldn’t attend though.

Crunched · 02/03/2022 13:02

I had very similar comments from my DH's parents when we first got together, " Ex- girlfriend was so perfect for you", "Why is crunched visiting you again etc.
My PIL did think their DS was getting serious too soon, they didn't like that I was older (all of 20 months!). I never got an apology, my DH never went low contact or similar. We just went higher, like MissMaple82 suggests. The strength of your relationship will stand a few nasty comments from people who, whilst loving their DS, see him as the youngster they brought up.
We have now been married over 30 years. I have never forgotten the way I was initially treated, but my IL's are not bad people and have been a loving input in the lives of their Grandchildren.
I was so angry at the time but I'm so glad I didn't create an even worse atmosphere.

keepingtheupperhand · 02/03/2022 13:51

If you don't go, it'll just give them more reason to complain about you (in their eyes). I wouldn't give them the opportunity to do that.

btw, some people may think that calling someone their 'other half', after only six months is bizarre odd. Perhaps anything similar you may have said or done, has perplexed them.

Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 14:24

I didn’t call my boyfriend my other half at any point, to anyone

I just didn’t think and used the phrase on here!

Definitely not indicative of my view on the relationship

I wish people wouldn’t get so caught up with terms on here. Can’t use partner, other half, dp; mumsnet can be frustrating

OP posts:
EmbarrassedAllOver · 02/03/2022 14:30

I think I would either...

  1. let it go. They won't apologise and by forcing an apology you will be making it incredibly awkward.

OR

  1. leave him. His parents are here to stay. Do you really want to deal with a lifetime of them? If you have kids together it will be insufferable. Before you invest too much time have a really good think about how this will play out long term...
LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2022 14:33

The way I see it is that your boyfriend should have called them out on the comments as and when they were made, not after the fact.
For example
Boyfriend's parent "Yes, we loved Mary, she was such an obliging woman, she'd help out at any time of the day or night without an issue. We so miss Mary being around"
Boyfriend "Stop talking about Mary. I'm not with Mary anymore. We've ended our relationship and I don't want to hear any more about Mary. I'm with Peoplesuck now, let's move on and hear no more about it"

Boyfriend's parent : "Doesn't Peoplesuck look very different to Mary? I don't like her hair, you know, very straggly and messy. Mary always had beautiful hair, neat and tidy and always tied back off her face so you could see her beautiful eyes"
Boyfriend : "Not this again. I've already said that I don't want to hear any more about Mary. I'm with Peoplesuck. You really will have to deal with it and stop comparing as there is no comparison. I'm very happy with Peoplesuck. Why are you not being happy for me????"

If he isn't calling them out on the comments there and then, I'd be concerned about the overall relationship between the two of you rather than the relationship you have with his parents.

thing47 · 02/03/2022 14:34

OP you don't say how old you are, but assuming you are a fully grown adult, then no, you don't have to spend any time at all with people who don't like you.

But as pp have said, if family is very important to your boyfriend then it's hard to see how this situation is going to resolve itself. Ultimately you are going to have to give them another chance or accept that the relationship probably isn't going to work out.