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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go

57 replies

Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 11:05

So I’ve been in a relationship 6+ months, it’s going well. The problem is with my other half’s parents who have made it clear they don’t like me.

My boyfriend has admitted that his parents can be difficult and that they have said things that are out of line and that he expected them to apologise. The apology never came despite him raising it with them.

Now 3 months on, he wants me to attend a family birthday and an afternoon lunch with his parents. I’ve told him that without them acknowledging and apologising for what they’ve said previously then I would feel loathed to spend time with them.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable and I should just let it go given it was three months ago now and the apology is unlikely to come.

Should I have gotten over it and attend or am I right not to want to go?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/03/2022 14:38

After just six months I don't think is going anywhere. He's not acknowledging your hurt feelings after his parents were downright rude. If anything, he's minimising it.

No, he’s wonderful

No, he's really not.

I wouldn't go to their house if they directly said they didn't like me.

MischievousBiscuits · 02/03/2022 14:44

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Given he is happy for you to be disrespected I would be questioning the entire relationship tbh... He is telling you their feelings are more important to him than yours... Surely you can do better than that?
This
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 15:38

You would be really stupid to stay in this relationship. He is asking you to accept poor treatment from his parents to make him happy. His happiness is more important than yoy being treated properly.

Lubeyboobyalt · 02/03/2022 15:42

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Given he is happy for you to be disrespected I would be questioning the entire relationship tbh... He is telling you their feelings are more important to him than yours... Surely you can do better than that?
this ^
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 15:44

Another one with horribly low standards.

notthatonethisone · 02/03/2022 16:13

You know I was with a partner once. when I met his parents at about four months in his mum made some comment about his ex. Not positive or negative. I don't think she'd even met her. Just a passing but unnecessary comment. My partner immediately shut it down. Said it was rude to talk about exes in front of me. She apologised. We all moved on.

He was no saint don't get me wrong. But he had my back.

I don't get that feeling with this guy. He wants you to suck it up. What, your feelings don't matter?!

This is how it's going to be for the rest of time. Especially if he's big into family. Is that what you want?

ZekeZeke · 02/03/2022 16:26

You can always agree to go and tell your OH that if one word, just one negative word is directed at you then he must stick up for you and not allow any comme to just be swept under the carpet. A pp gave some excellent examples of responses he can give. Show them to him, ask him to memorise them.

If he doesn't then you know where he stands and you can make a decision to move forward or end the relationship.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2022 16:29

@Peoplesuck

They have said to him out right that they don’t like me. I don’t feel like I can go to lunch with people who feel that way about me Hmm
I wouldn't feel that I go out with someone who had parents like that.

What on earth kind of future would you have?

Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 16:56

My boyfriend acknowledges that they can be difficult. He has had a few arguments with them himself since we’ve been together so he does know what they are like.

I feel that the relationship has so many good points, that I might have to turn up to some family occasion, eventually. However it will be when I am ready and not when he thinks I should be.

I know a lot of people have trouble with their mother in law, I just didn’t know I could be in this position before marriage Blush

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 16:58

Crack on then. Clearly it’s all under control.

🙄

Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 16:59

God people are so harsh on here

OP posts:
Original poster
Peoplesuck · 02/03/2022 17:02

If I had low standards, I wouldn’t have stood up for myself when they were disrespectful.

Nor would I have told my boyfriend that I won’t be going over at the minute. I would have just sat quietly, said nothing and turned up.

He did defend me and was embarrassed at their behaviour at the time hence the big argument he had with them over how they treated me.

He just wants a peaceful life. I agree he’s stuck in the middle and so am I. I won’t tolerate shitty behaviour from them though and he knows if I have a problem I’ll say something

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 17:03

Why do you think that is?

Is it because we’re a bunch of cunts?

Or do you think it’s because a whole load of us have seen women constantly ignore red flags, get married, bring children into a total shit show, and then cry about how they had no idea it would be so bad?

The fact you got no apology and he thinks you should let it go is telling you everything you need to know.

But as he’s ‘wonderful’ so fine.

The low standards women accept makes me despair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2022 17:32

He just wants a peaceful life.

From them. And he expects you to suck up their shitty behaviour to appease them.

I agree he’s stuck in the middle and so am I.

There is no middle. There’s decent people and arseholes who think their actions won’t have consequences because people have no right to complain.

I won’t tolerate shitty behaviour from them though and he knows if I have a problem I’ll say something

Best of luck then. Hopefully he’s as strong as you believe him to be. Expecting you to go to this event after they’ve been dicks to you suggests you’re being naive.

Thisisit2022 · 02/03/2022 17:37

NIP
THIS
IN
THE
BUD

And if you don't understand why, there are plenty of threads on Mumsnet of women decades down the line who wish they had done so.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/03/2022 17:38

His DParents disliking you is an in the background problem. Him not backing you up is a blatant, upfront problem. You can blame his DParents for causing the issues, but you seem to be reluctant to blame him for not having your back.

BeHappy91818 · 02/03/2022 17:39

He’s not going to ditch his parents and they will always be like this.

Move on and find someone better. Have some self respect

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/03/2022 21:06

He just wants a peaceful life.

I'm sure he does. Why post on here then ignore everyone's advice?

You'll end up with the PILs from hell and unhappy if you continue with this. Move on.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 03/03/2022 09:32

Noooo, he's not stuck in the middle - that puts you in the middle...alone.. with him one one side and his parents on the other. He is on your side...or that's where he should be...but he's creating this situation where he is 'in the middle'. If he doesn't agree with your stance then that puts him on his parents side...not yours. He's either with you or against you. And time since the words have been spoken shouldn't change this - they haven't been unsaid so they still exist as if they were said yesterday. Just because it's convenient for him to minimise now doesn't mean that you should go along with it.

I would say though, well done for sticking to your guns so early in the relationship. Lots of people giving advice have probably not stood up for themselves early and then it has become a major problem further down the line...when marriage and kids have solidified things and they're then 'stuck' with a situation. Keep going girl and hold your chin up high.

Do not allow this to be a continuing theme. Your relationship will be ruined and your self-esteem will plummet. If he is wonderful then he will stand by you now and it is up to him to explain exactly why. They just aren't used to him resisting.

LetHimHaveIt · 03/03/2022 09:38

An apology from people who don't like you, is worthless.

Aprilx · 03/03/2022 09:38

You can’t force an apology out of people and I think waiting for an apology after three months is unrealistic.

I think they were thoughtless and rude, but not so rude that you should refuse to ever see them again, if you think this relationship is going to last. I think you either need to give it another chance or you might as well end the relationship, this is a relatively new relationship and yo cannot expect your boyfriend to cut his parents off after six months with you (I am not saying you have said that, I am more commenting on how this would play out if you refuse to see them again).

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/03/2022 09:48

I never told my dh what his dm had said. They already had a fraught relationship.. He saw her for what she was in a very short time anyway
. He went nc for no reasons to do with me.
Maybe your bf will wise up. Would assume that to be rare though. . If he isn't prepared to accept your paths need not cross you need to let him loose...

Chely · 03/03/2022 09:51

If you see a long term future with this man play nice with his family.
My in-laws are not people I enjoy spending time around but I put up with them because I love my husband. I try not to take offence to some of the dumb stuff they do/say.

youdoyoutoday · 03/03/2022 09:53

OP, where do you see this going?

Do you have the feeling that this guy could be the one? If so, you really need to think about what is to come once you're married, have kids etc.

Do you honestly think his parents are going to get easier to deal with or just be more shitty and dismissive of you?

After only 6 months, I think you really need to re-evaluate what you are getting from this relationship with the thought that your boyfriend is never going to leave his parents! He's already expecting you to suck it up after 6 months.

SarahProblem · 03/03/2022 10:07

OP - don't go. Explain to your DP why you aren't going and that he has to either address the issue (to the point where you get your apology and a concerted effort from them) with his parents or, be ok with you not attending family functions.

The power dynamic is really off here if you go to family functions it's you that has to be the bigger person when you have done nothing wrong.

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