Is this normal - Ultimately leaving DH to decide on things

[babygirlmummy2020]

Just wondering if anyone else generally lets their other half decide on stuff, just because it's easier than dealing with the fall out if he doesn't like said decision?

I'm thinking more about not very important decisions. Like which curtains to buy or which carpet etc.

We are currently doing up our house and generally we are on the same page, but sometimes not. I ultimately go with his opinion most of the time because if we go with mine and he doesn't like it, I won't hear the end of it.

Does anyone else do this ? Or am I just copping out ?

No! Things like carpets etc I definitely like the last word. I know more than him about design.

No that's not normal. Your opinions and thoughts are equally valid.

Abnormal.

Who prattles on endlessly about something as trivial as curtains just because they didn't get the ones they liked?

No that's not normal. We are about to do significant work on our house and we don't always agree on things. What we do is talk and look at other options until we find a solution that suits us both. I can't tell you how many windows/doors/handles/renders etc we have looked at but we are both now happy with the joint choices we have made.

Sadly this is me. As time has gone on I find I run must things past him as he has an opinion on the strangest of things. It's not really worth going ahead with some things as if he takes against it I never hear the end of it. On the flip side he decides lots of things as I don't have a strong opinion.
It's not ideal but then it saves arguments about pointless things.

No of course not.

When we did an extension involving lots of choices I left most of the final decisions to DH. Not because I was afraid of the fall out, but just because he generally has more opinions than me and put a lot of thought and effort into researching the different options. I'm quite laid back and don't really care which bathroom tap we have!

No, because I’m not worried about the fallout.

We probably make an even number of decisions.

DH has stronger opinions than me, so I usually make sure I like the final 3 and leave it to him. I can't get worked up about curtains, carpets, bathroom suites - I just don't care and it'll drive him mad for all eternity if it's not perfect!

I just bought some curtains. Didn’t even mention it.

That's not healthy.

So you pre judge your actions based on what you think he'll say/do in future? Constantly walking on eggshells? That's not good.

If I had let DH have his way we would have an orange leopard print sofa... so No!

I’m sure it’s not unusual for women in a shit marriage to acquiesce to a bully they’re afraid of, no.

“Never hear the end of it” = bullying arsehole.

Be careful, you think it’s minor things you don’t really care about. One day it won’t be - but you’ll have lost yourself by then 😕

I run things past him but generally get my own way. He usually isn’t arsed, just wants to feel like he’s been consulted.

Usually I do the legwork and present him with several choices I’ve already approved to pick from.

I let dh decide on things that I'm undecided or anxious about as I have a type of obsessive disorder that makes me responsibility adverse.

Curtains aren’t insignificant to me. I make most of the design decisions in our house- and pay for them - because I care more and have a good eye. I do however ask for DH opinion and always (ok usually!) take preferences into account. He often says how lucky he is to live in our house with me at the helm 🤣

I don’t think your relationship sounds particularly healthy tbh.

Letting him decide because you don't care is fine. Letting him decide because you're scared of the fallout is not.

It’s a bit ‘surrendered’
There’s a middle ground between having to control everything and having no agency because you’re scared of the fallout.

I’m not in a controlling relationship where I’m scared of my husband’s reactions so no, I don’t defer to all his decisions

Yes my husband has very strong opinions and over time I've just let him decide on everything as just not worth the hassle. Totally lost myself, couldnt even buy curtains alone now as not sure what I like or dont. When he had an affair he then brought up the fact that i never have an opinion as one of the reasons I'm such a loser and he had to have an affair....

On home decor, DH will generally defer to me as its more my thing. I want him to be involved though so will normally shortlist a few things to discuss to get his view and we’ll decide together. Ultimately though he would defer to my judgement and if isn’t the one he would prefer, he would be glad I was happy and never mention it again.

Sounds like your DH is a bit of a pain in the arse. I wouldn't say it's normal not to feel like you can have an opinion on small things without him making a huge deal out of it if he doesn't agree, no.

No absolutely not. If we don't agree we find a compromise, I couldn't deal with your DH, OP

Oh no we both need to like it. For example we moved here 4 months ago and haven't found lampshades, curtains and bedroom furniture we both like so we haven't bought any. If I was scared of his reactions I'd be out of here.

You’re copping out. My mother has done this all her life. It’s fear that she will have to own and live with the consequences of her own decisions. So she lives with my father’s decision on things major and minor and wonders why her life is so unfulfilled.