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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal - Ultimately leaving DH to decide on things

58 replies

babygirlmummy2020 · 01/03/2022 23:12

Just wondering if anyone else generally lets their other half decide on stuff, just because it's easier than dealing with the fall out if he doesn't like said decision?

I'm thinking more about not very important decisions. Like which curtains to buy or which carpet etc.

We are currently doing up our house and generally we are on the same page, but sometimes not. I ultimately go with his opinion most of the time because if we go with mine and he doesn't like it, I won't hear the end of it.

Does anyone else do this ? Or am I just copping out ?

OP posts:
littleburn · 02/03/2022 09:10

I used to my with ExDH, it was easier than dealing with his moods if he didn't get his way. Actually once of the reasons I left him was because I realised my thought process in any situation was 'what will annoy him the least'.

PutinsMicropenis · 02/03/2022 09:11

I'll admit I make most of the decisions regarding house stuff really, if DH expressed a strong opinion I'd listen but generally we're on the same page so I just crack on. We do do stuff like decorating etc together and make a good little team. If he overruled me at every step we'd fall out but I think I'm the more opinionated one anyway.

LampLighter414 · 02/03/2022 09:11

People describing this as a controlling DH etc...

I know far more women who act like this, whose partners are not empowered to make any decisions at all for fear of never hearing the end of it. The wife rules the roost for sure.

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 09:13

And that's a controlling DW...

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 09:13

Sorry meant to quote @LampLighter414

KMTKaren · 02/03/2022 09:17

All depends on how much the outcome means to you. If it matters out your foot down, if not then I think it’s fine to pick your battles. The way I see it, life is a compromise.

Jota67 · 02/03/2022 09:18

I used to do this for a quiet life. Let him choose furniture, what to watch at cinema, which restaurant to go to etc.

I justified it as it wasn't so important in big scheme of things.....

However over time I started to really resent it and because he was used to getting his own way if I proposed something different it would result in an argument.

In the end I felt I lost part of my identity and woke up and thought I don't want to live this life.

I divorced him and am so much happier.

rhowton · 02/03/2022 09:18

My DH is really chilled out, so if he speaks up about not liking something, then he really doesn't like it. In that instance, I would get a few other choices for him to look at, I wouldn't just let him pick by himself. Luckily, he has only ever put his foot down once on one of my ideas, and I have lots of ideas.

Jamnation · 02/03/2022 09:18

"Does anyone else do this ? Or am I just copping out ?"

Why ar you framing it to put all the fault on yourself? It sounds like you are living with a petulant, controlling 3 year old. It's reasonable to expect an adult partner to reach compromises and/or be happy to live with some of your choices.

JaceLancs · 02/03/2022 09:27

I used to let ex DH decide things that I didn’t have a strong opinion on - as I’m quite easy going and a bit of a people pleaser - he got to decide most things although I did have final say on house purchase and big things like cars and holidays
We didn’t split over this but when we did part I realised that most of our furniture, carpets, colour schemes etc were not really me
I kept the house and within 2 years had revamped decor and replaced everything
I’ve never repeated this mistake although my most recent living together relationship ended because he wanted to be the main decision maker and I wouldn’t agree

CrunchyCarrot · 02/03/2022 09:49

We tend to discuss everything and make joint decisions, even if the decision is 'I know nothing about this, I trust you to make the right choice'. So for curtains, DP would leave it to me entirely as he knows his colour sense is non-existent, but for carpets, his input would be re wear and tear, or just not wanting a pale colour because it would show the dirt. After 25 years together and living in several places, we have a pretty good understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses. I find with most things, discussion is a good idea without getting into blame or trying to dominate.

Porcupineintherough · 02/03/2022 10:00

Sometimes whichever one of us cares least gives way but most things we talk about and agree. This is not a perfect system - it took two years and endless looking to find a curtain material for the bedroom that we both liked.

Pedalpushers · 02/03/2022 10:03

There's a difference between one person having stronger opinions generally than the other (my DH has THOUGHTS on just about everything whereas I mostly don't care) and being afraid of how someone will react to not getting their own way.

Original poster
babygirlmummy2020 · 02/03/2022 10:13

Interesting responses. Just catching up.

It's just I often seem to disappoint him when I just venture out and do something on my own for the house without consulting him...

Example, we had some furniture specially painted to suit the house and it was delivered the other day while he wasn't there. The colour match is 98 percent. It's really good enough for me. He wasn't happy and said he wishes he had been there when it was delivered and that he needs to be there when things are done. FYI we've had several relatives come round and comment on what a good colour match the furniture is for our house.. he's just very hard to please.

We've now had curtains installed and they look fine to me, but I told the guy that we can't sign off until DH has had time to inspect. I'm definitely not as picky, so now I'm not sure if he'll find some sort of fault and then blame me for not having seen it.

I also find that sometimes I really like something and then he goes on and on about how it's not right and then I will actually start disliking it as well ! So weird !

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 02/03/2022 10:17

That's not good is it op?

Exh would do this. Leave all of the decision making to me then when there was a tiny problem with something he would use it as a stick to beat me with. He was abusive and nasty.

My husband and I , however , have a grown up conversation about most things and decide together. Sometimes I will just buy random household things that need replacing and when he sees the new one he just says thanks for picking it up. No issues.

What is the rest of their behaviour like op?

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 10:20

So you're not adult enough to make a decision as to whether curtains are good enough to be signed for? Come on OP...

Does he check up on other things you do? Like does he ever make comments about the houses cleanliness or that you've cooked something the wrong way?

WildfirePonie · 02/03/2022 10:49

That's not normal OP.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/03/2022 10:56

It depends on what it is.

For example, when we bought a car, I did the research and found 3 I liked and were in budget. DH chose from those 3.

Actually, I’ve just realized I often give him option like that. Holidays, restaurants etc.

Well, it works well for us. I can’t think of an example but I am sure he has compromised for me. Actually, yes, I can.

I chose the place we are currently living. It wasn’t his first choice but it was mine. He had veto power but I made the decision on this. He really hates the stairs but they are the only exercise we get at the moment!

OnaBegonia · 02/03/2022 10:57

My DP wouldn't have curtains and rugs if it was left to him, he has no interest at all, he does complainer what I choose though.

MrsTrumpton · 02/03/2022 11:17

@GiantSpider

When we did an extension involving lots of choices I left most of the final decisions to DH. Not because I was afraid of the fall out, but just because he generally has more opinions than me and put a lot of thought and effort into researching the different options. I'm quite laid back and don't really care which bathroom tap we have!
This is exactly me as well. My OH will do endless research into furnishings whereas I'm much more from the school of 'that'll do'!
KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 11:22

Letting him decide because you don't care is fine. Letting him decide because you're scared of the fallout is not.

That.
And if DH was always finding faults in things I've done, I would tell him to do it himself then.

1stTimeMama · 02/03/2022 11:47

My husband gives me the final say on most things to do with the house, because he's not really bothered. I'd be amazed if he even had an opinion on curtains of cushions, that's not him at all!
We've had building work done, and we discussed and agreed what we wanted done structurally, but I've chosen everything, designed the bathrooms and kitchen, will get all the furnishings etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2022 11:49

That’s what I was like with exh.

It’s hard now when divorced to be able to make the decisions sometimes because I was so used to not having the final word.

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 11:53

I'd say we had this situation, but I was the final decision maker. Not because DH wanted an easy life, but because he didn't care enough about these kinds of things to fight his corner.

For things he did care about we wouldn't do anything until we both agreed

sillysmiles · 07/03/2022 16:15

I pick my battles. If it is something he has stronger opinions on that I do, then I go with his choice. But a lot of the time when it comes to curtains etc I just don't care.