Please help me find a solution before I go under

[Rewritethestars1]

Hi all,

I work 3 days a week. 8.30am till whatever time I finish, could be 5pm could be 8pm. The flexible finish is because of the job I'm in and not changeable.
My dh works 5 days a week 8am till 5pm. There is no chance of hours changing. He needs to be there at that time.

We have disabled children. They cannot cope in morning club or morning childcare and have to follow a set routine and take medication etc I drop them at school. I then also pick one up as again they need care. The other goes to after school club.
It means I'm working while also doing cares for the dc. I often have to work much much later and I'm also not fully wfh so I have to try juggle that too. I end up picking up and dropping off around meetings and use my days off to catch up. Also I do miss work commitments and I'm late to the office. Il often come home during the day drive miles then go back to the office. Its unsustainable.

I'm also autistic and this is pulling me under mental health wise.

I can't quit work because we cannot afford it. The job I'm in pays well but its niche. I'm not experienced or qualified in anything else and all other jobs i could get pay too little and would put us in financial difficulties.
As well as the care the children need we cannot afford anymore wrap around childcare and can't afford a nanny. We have no room for an au pair.

I'm just stuck at what exactly I can do. I'm under such pressure and stress I feel like I could explode. I'm often In tears because I'm in the middle of my dcs cares and work are contacting me for an important call or meeting. I'm making excuses and luckily through the fact I work through the night or other days il be able to keep my job....for now.

I do have 2 days 'off' during the week but this is spent catching up with work, sorting the home, caring for my dc and attending various medical appointments and associated admin attached to disabled dc. Which most people don't realise is quite alot.

What can I do? I feel so trapped due to financial reasons but im losing my grip on everything.
Dh is the main earner so cannot change his hours to help with this situation.
Please help me with any additional things I may have missed that will help me get through this.

Sympathy as it sounds tough.

The only area that looks like it has any give is your DHs work. He doesn't need to reduce hours but surely there is some scope for him to do at least one drop off and/or pick up per week and come in early or work late on another day to facilitate that without it impinging on his work.

As women we expect too much of ourselves and our own employers but rarely challenge the Men to take the hit - and most employers are relatively flexible these days, so
It's much less of an ask
Than it was.

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. That's an awful lot for anyone to deal with? Are you sure you've asked everyone you can for help? You might be appearing to be coping and people may not know that you aren't?
Have you gone through your finances really carefully? Is there anything else you can claim for?
What about charities? Have you spoken with the school?
How old are your kids? Is this a relatively short term situation that might rapidly improve when they get a little older? What about working at the weekends, is that possible? Working at night is obviously a really bad idea for you.

Sorry I've no good suggestions. I hope someone comes up with some better ones.

Firstly it sounds really tough, I’m not surprised you’re finding it difficult. On paper it sounds as though you do need to change your job and somehow cope with the drop in income. Would a job 10-2pm work better? Or would you prefer to work weekends when your partner can look after the kids and there will be fewer appointments/ childcare issues. Could you downsize your lifestyle, i.e. move house, change area? Are you sure you’re getting the correct benefits (DLA/ carer’s allowance/ school transport etc). Giving up this job might sound drastic but it does sound as though it might be one of the only options unless you can afford a nanny/ au pair. Of course there is the option for you partner to go part time etc but it doesn’t sound as though that’s something you want at the moment.

Are you getting all the financial help available for your children’s care needs ?

I’m very sorry OP for your predicament, so hard- but what do you expect people to magically suggest- you want things to change but unable/ unwilling to change anything.
You either tweak your job hours (yours/ husbands) or pay for care.

I have much empathy... we have disabled children and both work. It's very very difficult. Does your husband have any ideas? Does he understand the pressure you are feeling? Are you known to your local social services disabled children team?

Request to work school hours instead and hire a cleaner. Tell your work you're really struggling and ask if they'll trial it for 3 months. It will be easier to do house jobs with your kids at home than to work.

Thanks all, we are claiming as much as we can which is not very much. I have contacted social services but they have refused to help as we don't meet threshold. Not really sure they can do much anyway.

I'm desperately looking for a more suitable job so your all spot on there. No choice.

Your right @OnlyFoolsnMothers it was good to get it off my chest mind you.

This is long-term as dc are primary age but will always need this level of care.
Weekend work is a good suggestion.

@Schools2023 unfortunately my job needs me to do evening work as well as through the day. I need to be available for clients.

Not helpful but I ended up changing to school hours so 9.30 to 2.30 and doing 4 days a week which leaves a day for medical appointments.

Sorry it sounds so hard. Just as a starting point, even though I understand you're really struggling, it feels worth saying that you are actually doing a hell of a job managing to work and care for your DC and cope as well as you have, so please don't feel like you're failing on top of all the practical stresses you're under.

But in terms of a practical solution, the only thing that seems changeable in this situation is the amount of financial pressure. What is the situation there? Is your house/area expensive? Do you really need to stay there or are there other possibilities in terms of relocating to somewhere more affordable so you can both share the load more? Obviously disregard if you live somewhere cheap to start with but reading between the lines, it sounds like that might not be the case.

No doubt your instant reaction will be that it's impossible because of jobs and your set-up there, but just take a beat and run with it a little more. Because this current situation sounds unsustainable so something has to give and it mustn't be your MH. If you could move to a cheaper home and DH could work less and/or you could wfh or take some time to retrain out of your niche, then other possibilities open up and you're all less trapped. It's a longer term, bigger picture solution but maybe it will at least give you some home and you can start putting steps in place to make it happen.

Agree with the suggestion of your DH doing at least one drop-off/ pick-up per week.

Could you change your hours so instead of working three normal length days (9-5), you work the same hours but over four or five days? I know you say that you need those days for household admin/ appointments etc, but it would reduce the pressure of you trying to work and do childcare on the three working days. If your hours are flexible, you could take a longer lunch break/ finish early one day to deal with the house/ admin etc on a wfh day.

I do this (to reduce childcare costs) and while I do miss having a day at home to myself, it works well in terms of childcare costs.

*some hope

This does sound really hard. Could you mentally in your head plan for working across 5 days - ask your employer for flexibility for that to enable drop offs. If you need to work in the evening for client could you stop at 2pm the. Start again at 5 or 6?

Is there anyway your husband could do compressed hours so he could finish early to do one pick up per week (or reduce his hours one day per week) so you know that day you can go into the office?
Can you get other help - cleaner, online shop, ironing, food boxes delivered?

Do you claim dla for the children? Also ask social services disability team for direct payments as you need childcare. We used to get this for our disables daughter to pay for the overlap from me coming home from work and hubby leaving. X

Has your DH even tried to ask for flexible hours or is he just saying he can’t change? If he could take the kids to school that would be one thing off your plate and you might be able to cope better with the rest.
When you say you can’t afford to give up work does this mean literally cannot keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back or does it mean you want a certain standard of living? If downsizing, cheaper car etc means you can get out of this situation then you should do what you can.

Wow, hats off to you mama. I don’t know how you do it. I have 2 children both with additional support needs and I’m fortunately able to not work. I completely understand the amount of appointments etc.
Have you reached out to any agencies for support, and also to confirm what extra help you are entitled to?
Are you currently claiming disability for both children?
Xx

Your work might be niche but perhaps your skills could be transferable to another role nearer home. Does your company have flexible working policy's?

I am afraid I cannot see a solution to your issues if you have such unpredictable working hours. How can you ever put anything in place?

It is hard enough to work and manage childcare under even the most straight forward of circumstances (both parents working regular hours, children w/o additional needs).

I don't think you are missing anything. Something has to change before you go under.

That sounds like a lot on your plate. Could you claim dla for the children and carers allowance? If you can, then you could take a break from work for a while. Perhaps this will give you time to retrain in something else?

Wow, that sounds incredibly stressful, and it is completely unfair that this all falls on you. If your job pays really well, could you go fulltime, and your DH finds a part-time job? Perhaps school hours or at least something with flexibility. I don't think it's fair that he can have this rigid job where he is unable to contribute to the caring and you have to rush around trying to work and do caring at the same time. I am sure that if you asked your boss, your job is not flexible either. You have just been forced to make it that way as your DH is not helping.

@SandysMam

Has your DH even tried to ask for flexible hours or is he just saying he can’t change? If he could take the kids to school that would be one thing off your plate and you might be able to cope better with the rest. When you say you can’t afford to give up work does this mean literally cannot keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back or does it mean you want a certain standard of living? If downsizing, cheaper car etc means you can get out of this situation then you should do what you can.

I'd be revisiting the idea that DH can't change his hours. Has he made a formal application for flexible hours or is he just saying it's impossible and that's the end of it. And much as you need the money, the situation sounds unsustainable so one of you needs to find another job sharpish. How about spreading your workload over 4 or 5 days? Or DH working 3 long days and 2 short.

Hello. I'm autistic. I lived with your level of overload for years. Then I had a brain haemorrhage.

You and dh have to radically rethink your lives. Your life has to be manageable. Now. Not next year. Because it's possible there won't be a next year if this goes on.

Please.

Thanks again everyone.

Yes I'm starting to really resent dh. Posters are right that this has fallen to me. He is a great hands on dad when here and a lovely person don't get me wrong but his rigid hours and unwillingness to change them is making me view him in a different light I have to say.

We moved here to be nearer family so they could help us out as they promised but they haven't. Infact they have barely seen us or been involved. While I fully accept they are not obliged to do childcare or help out and have there own lives it is disappointing.
We could have moved near pil who do and are willing to help but live too far away. Their area is also cheaper.
Now we are stuck with this crippling mortgage and lifestyle. I'm thinking of giving up my car and getting a bicycle to get me to the office, to cut that cost. We live near school so that's not an issue. I'm looking at other ways to cut costs and will be contacting social services again today.

I think you need to explore the option of changing job.

What does your dh earn? What are your outgoings? What can be reduced?

Stresswise this is not sustainable so you will have to make changes. You can't both work at the same time and have kids home it doesn't work. The reduced income may well be worth it in terms of lowered stress.

So many people dont get realities of living with disabilities.

If you have his income until you find new work you can claim CA. And do they both get DLA? This combined can be a reasonable amount and is worth looking into as if your DH works as well .