Please help me find a solution before I go under

[Rewritethestars1]

Hi all,

I work 3 days a week. 8.30am till whatever time I finish, could be 5pm could be 8pm. The flexible finish is because of the job I'm in and not changeable.
My dh works 5 days a week 8am till 5pm. There is no chance of hours changing. He needs to be there at that time.

We have disabled children. They cannot cope in morning club or morning childcare and have to follow a set routine and take medication etc I drop them at school. I then also pick one up as again they need care. The other goes to after school club.
It means I'm working while also doing cares for the dc. I often have to work much much later and I'm also not fully wfh so I have to try juggle that too. I end up picking up and dropping off around meetings and use my days off to catch up. Also I do miss work commitments and I'm late to the office. Il often come home during the day drive miles then go back to the office. Its unsustainable.

I'm also autistic and this is pulling me under mental health wise.

I can't quit work because we cannot afford it. The job I'm in pays well but its niche. I'm not experienced or qualified in anything else and all other jobs i could get pay too little and would put us in financial difficulties.
As well as the care the children need we cannot afford anymore wrap around childcare and can't afford a nanny. We have no room for an au pair.

I'm just stuck at what exactly I can do. I'm under such pressure and stress I feel like I could explode. I'm often In tears because I'm in the middle of my dcs cares and work are contacting me for an important call or meeting. I'm making excuses and luckily through the fact I work through the night or other days il be able to keep my job....for now.

I do have 2 days 'off' during the week but this is spent catching up with work, sorting the home, caring for my dc and attending various medical appointments and associated admin attached to disabled dc. Which most people don't realise is quite alot.

What can I do? I feel so trapped due to financial reasons but im losing my grip on everything.
Dh is the main earner so cannot change his hours to help with this situation.
Please help me with any additional things I may have missed that will help me get through this.

Both of you have rights as carers at work, so they'd have to give good reasons for not being able to make changes to accommodate a request.

Do you have a local "carers centre" (as in you are carers, so support for yourselves)? They can help advocate, find or at least advise on services eg childcare via direct payments, and help with approaching local authority again for help.

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@Rewritethestars1 much as I applaud anyone being less reliant on their car, I'd really caution you against doing anything that makes your own life harder at this point.

Have you had a carers assessment? As a carer you are entitled to one and they sometimes can suggest ideas.

Or if the finaces are the issue post here (or mse) with a list of ingoings and outgoings as sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can help.

@StopStartStop wow glad to hear your ok now. That must have bern so scary.

Years ago local colleges were desperate for their trainee nursery nurses/nannies etc to have work experience and large families were asked if they could do with an extra pair of hands for a few hours a week. Is that something you would feel happy following up? Apologies if this doesn't exist any more!

you are a hero for dealing with all this.

Am I right that your worst childcare challenge is the 3pm-5:30pm slot? Before that, kids are in school. After that, they can be with DH.

So does your work have any flexibility for you to block out that time and then go back to the office after 5pm?

And if your DH could leave early 1 or 2 days per week, that would also make a big difference.

We could have moved near pil who do and are willing to help but live too far away. Their area is also cheaper.

Sorry your family have been such a let down. Is this a possible move you can do in future?

Flexible working request, adjust accordingly. You work earlier and then have an hour for drop off, you finish earlier, then work after. You can then make sure meetings are not at times when you'll be rushing.

Are your children entitled to home to school transport provided by the council? It sounds as if they might be - disabled children are eligible even if they live closer than the statutory 3 miles.

By law the local authority must carry out a care assessment for disabled children. Have they done that?

Why are you stuck where you are with unhelpful family and crippling mortgage etc. Start making serious plans to move towards PIL who will help and its a cheaper area. That's your solution and way out. Serious chat with DH needed too.

Who's family are local and unhelpful? Is it his side or yours?

[quote Rewritethestars1]@StopStartStop wow glad to hear your ok now. That must have bern so scary.[/quote]
It was too severe to be scary, I couldn't think. I slept for five months and it changed my life forever. Please look after yourself.

DH needs to step up and change his work. You have changed everything and he is just carrying on as if nothing has happened, whereas disabled children have happened. He can change his hours or his job and employers must make reasonable adjustments when you are a carer.

It sounds really hard OP. Could you maybe post on your local Facebook page see if there is someone who you could pay on an as & when basis to come in and help with. Someone retired or similar, my SIL has a set up like this with her retired neighbour.

I have a lot on my plate too and we have autism in our family. This does not always lend itself to flexible thinking! Whilst we can't find your solution, there will be one. I truly believe there is always a way, and it often is not instantly apparent. You have recognised that this is unsustainable and that changes need to be made, which is an excellent first step. Sometimes it takes me weeks to work through a problem such as this, on and off in my head, but I do then get there. If you are truly stuck then you could start writing down what is needed and what needs to change, and then listing possibilities too. You could then revisit this after a few days of having thought about it. Maybe take the pressure off by thinking you need an instant solution. It takes time to work this out. If you need some time off sick for your mental health, then take it. There is always a way.

Are you able to change from 3 days to 5 so you can work on school hours? Would your employer be flexible enough to do that? You don't get if you don't ask, so if that would help, ask.

I would first start by looking at everything you are entitled to and making sure you are getting it.

Have you applied for DLA for the children? If you had to give up work/cut your hours right down to be the children’s carer would you be entitled to universal credit? Remember there’s an extra element for disabled children if they are recipient of DLA. You would receive carers allowance also.

Obviously you don’t want to give up work and need the independence of working but it sounds like you’re about to burn out how you’re going now. I would look at potential weekend work, spreading your current job over 5 days to condense to school time hours or maybe evening work once DH gets home?

Thanks all. I'm on with applying for new jobs and contracting support services to make sure we are getting all the help we can. Its my family who have not come through with the support. Very disappointing especially when they know I'm struggling.

Particularly if DH's job is office based, perhaps he could apply to start at 7 or 7.30 instead of 8, freeing him up for one or two early finishes to do the school pick up and afternoon childcare. Unless there are strong business reasons against it, with a proper application, it should be approved.

We dont have family support either and its hard not to get caught up in getting frustrated about that - but its best to accept it isnt there and deal with what is.

It doesn't look like current set up is sustainable so either appropiate childcare is a cost you will need to build into cost of working or working less or taking a break from work.

We are surviving on one average income, dla, carers and my tiny income . Not easy but me working proper hours wasn't doable. I am now looking at working more but is it worth looking at whether some of yiur "not an options" can be explored?

Even moving/lower outgoings might make it sustainable?

@Rewritethestars1

Thanks all. I'm on with applying for new jobs and contracting support services to make sure we are getting all the help we can. Its my family who have not come through with the support. Very disappointing especially when they know I'm struggling.

So move? What's stopping you. You're never stuck, you have options. Or speak to your family and say I'm struggling, we moved here as you wanted to see us more and help out but you're not - why? We direct and then you know where you stand. Good luck it sounds incredibly hard.

That sucks about your family, sorry. Are they an absolute dead loss? Like, if you told them that you're going under, that you moved here on their promise of help? In whatever way might best jolt them out of their inertia? If you believed in them enough to make that big investment, I can't think that they are actively neglectful, just more selfish/oblivious. Know how tough family relationships are, but if they're no help right now there's nothing to lose by pushing for the support they must've offered. Even if it's just one or two things a week that would give you relief.

Another vote here to see if you can do your job over 5 days less hours each day

Make sure you are claiming everything you are supposed to, dla, carers allowance etc
Would also be worth speaking to a charity like turn to us to see if there would be a massive difference if you were to leave your job and become a full time carer for your dc

Do your children have transport to school and from school as part of their ehcp if not can you apply for that? Would that make the day easier?

Lots of local groups have volunteers they don’t advertise it well but they will come at busy times to help families ie mornings, after school. It would be worth looking into that.

Most local authorise have support services for people who don’t meet the social services threshold but need help with care. You can usually self refer into these services this again might be helpful to you as they can help signpost you to other services that help

What area do you live?

Start with DH. Single parents work full time but still manage to do admin, housework, child related stuff. He should ask for condensed working or flex. It sounds like it's just you having to take action, consider change to your working etc and 100% of the worry! Share the load to begin with then consider the long term, new jobs, moving house etc

Hi OP you say you can't afford nanny/au pair, but could you pay a childminder for a few hours a week? Perhaps someone already collecting from DC's school who could take them home with them, give them a snack etc, until you or DH can pick up. There could be somebody nearby who would consider this.

Alternatively, my friend used to employ a lovely local retired lady who would collect the DC from school and then cook a family meal ready for the parents to arrive home....like a substitute grandma! It was also handy for friend to have an emergency back up.

I hope you find a solution.