Please help me find a solution before I go under

[Rewritethestars1]

Hi all,

I work 3 days a week. 8.30am till whatever time I finish, could be 5pm could be 8pm. The flexible finish is because of the job I'm in and not changeable.
My dh works 5 days a week 8am till 5pm. There is no chance of hours changing. He needs to be there at that time.

We have disabled children. They cannot cope in morning club or morning childcare and have to follow a set routine and take medication etc I drop them at school. I then also pick one up as again they need care. The other goes to after school club.
It means I'm working while also doing cares for the dc. I often have to work much much later and I'm also not fully wfh so I have to try juggle that too. I end up picking up and dropping off around meetings and use my days off to catch up. Also I do miss work commitments and I'm late to the office. Il often come home during the day drive miles then go back to the office. Its unsustainable.

I'm also autistic and this is pulling me under mental health wise.

I can't quit work because we cannot afford it. The job I'm in pays well but its niche. I'm not experienced or qualified in anything else and all other jobs i could get pay too little and would put us in financial difficulties.
As well as the care the children need we cannot afford anymore wrap around childcare and can't afford a nanny. We have no room for an au pair.

I'm just stuck at what exactly I can do. I'm under such pressure and stress I feel like I could explode. I'm often In tears because I'm in the middle of my dcs cares and work are contacting me for an important call or meeting. I'm making excuses and luckily through the fact I work through the night or other days il be able to keep my job....for now.

I do have 2 days 'off' during the week but this is spent catching up with work, sorting the home, caring for my dc and attending various medical appointments and associated admin attached to disabled dc. Which most people don't realise is quite alot.

What can I do? I feel so trapped due to financial reasons but im losing my grip on everything.
Dh is the main earner so cannot change his hours to help with this situation.
Please help me with any additional things I may have missed that will help me get through this.

It sounds incredibly stressful for you.

When you work late, is that work that could be done another day, or is it essential it's done that minute?

If you all moved closer to your PILs, could your husband and you stay in the same jobs?

OP you are a superstar. Massive respect. We are in a similar position to you and it is really really tough in every way. Difference with us, is we both work full time but both requested and received some flexi at work. We would be utterly sunk otherwise. It’s a constant fire fight though.

Do ask your respective workplaces for more flex as they must consider it and give you a solid ‘business’ related reason to refuse you. You can ask even while applying for other jobs, then at least you have options depending on their response.

In my experience, relying on any family help at all is not a long term plan. It’s unreliable at best, and potentially a source of deep resentment.

How long have you been in your current location? What is preventing you from moving to be nearer PIL?

Your DH needs to step up and ask his employer to be more flexible. If you have a breakdown he'll be on his own with the DC, how is he planning to manage then? Have you set out to him how near the end of your tether you are?

Can you access any respite care to allow you some downtime? I used to work in this area and it's fair to say that those who shouted loudly got the most so you may need to be persistent.

Is there a specialist charity you can approach for advice?

One place to contact is The Carers Trust. They can put you in touch with local hubs that include other people in your situation. They can also check you’re getting the right grants or allowances (DLA etc). Sometimes talking it through with other parents/carers helps you patch together resources.
I meet online with a local group and it’s been useful.

Hi op. You’ve had lots of great advice so I’m going to take a slightly different approach here as you sound like my DH/DD/DS who are all autistic

Have you told your family and DH how you feel, I mean REALLY SAT DOWN SPELT IT OUT TOLD THEM

I love my family but their communication of needs isn’t great, you may think they know or you’ve told them SO TELL THEM AGAIN

You’re trying to meet everyone else’s needs but ignoring your own, this will lead to you failing in the long run and you are the lynchpin

If your DH really does know then he’s not a good husband he’s selfish. He can adapt his work life and would have to if you became ill

He needs to speak to work about his rights as a carer and start helping

If your family won’t help after you’ve talked to them move nearer to the in-laws

And apply for DLA for all your DC and use it to buy in help. A child minder or regular baby sitter would be better than an after school club and possibly cheaper

Look at your work hours as some have said and see if they can be spread out over more days but hold your DH accountable, they are his DC too and therefore his responsibility

You are doing a fantastic job, be proud of yourself but learn right now that if you don’t take care of yourself no one else will. They will add to your pile until you either say NO or break and your DC need a happy mum because you will be their autistic role model in a neuro typical world

It feels like your husband could do more but isnt. I think I might give him options:

1. He puts in a formal request for flexible hours to enable him to do drop off or pick up 1/2 days a week, or

1. He steps up and does much more housekeeping/life admin stuff while you spread your work over 4/5 days not 3, or

1. You quit.

Speak to workingfamilies.org.U.K. who can give advice.

Don't bother listening to anyone rude on here. Many of them haven't the first clue about dealing with this scenario.

Get advice on options - ie DLA, universal credit etc which may cushion loss of earnings and help you with alternative solutions.

Join local Facebook groups of disabled parents. That will help you navigate the local services. Your local SENDIASS will help you navigate the Respite services.

Good luck, OP.

Yes, looking at your updates you absolutely need to move house and reduce the financial pressure too. You’re not going to be able to change your family, let that one go, but you can reduce your outgoings and stress.

What would your dh do if he was a single parent to your children?

If mine was a single parent to my kods he would have to give up work or take up a small part time job. This really is the reality for so many parents of kids with disabilities.

Hi OP,
I also wonder if your employer would consider a flexible working request. Say for example you are currently supposed to do 24 hours each week over 3 days. If you were allowed to do your 24 hours over 5 days you could start a little later, finish a little earlier and log the time for evening meetings with clients after your husband is home from work and can help with the kids. If your children have an appointment you would also be able to work around it. Why not ask your employer to consider a flexible working request due to your caring responsibilities. Put it in writing to them and propose your solution. Good luck.