Hubby wants a round of applause

[autienotnaughty]

So I have just come back from a night away. Oh flew solo with ds 1.5 days. Also our dog was there who's more demanding than child! Dh was happy for me to go no issues. When I got back house was a state (clothes on floor, dog hair not swept, muddy paw prints and uniform wasn't ready for school) I never said a word but I moaned this morning about feeling tired. He said I can't complain as I'd been having fun and seems to think he's done something impressive by looking after his child! On occasions when he has gone away everything just ticks over. I appreciate I work less hours so take on more of housework generally but aibu to feel he should keep on top of jobs when I'm not there?

FWIW, I don't agree with those who say this is a low bar. I think too many women fall into the trap of becoming domestic slaves/drudges, and then somehow slide into being controlling when it comes to the quality/quantity of housework done or not done in their absence.

I was a SAHM for God knows how long, and did not spend my days hoovering up dog hair, so could hardly have complained if my OH didn't do the same. I sometimes think it's not surprising that men have sheds or take up cycling.

If this is all you have to worry about, a bit of mud and dog hair, consider yourself lucky.

I'm in the "all fed no one dead" camp too to be honest.

DH once looked after our 3DDs aged 3, 7 & 9 for a whole month while I was away. I never had a moment's doubt that everything would be fine with them & the house and it was - all clean & in order when I returned.
I couldn't be doing with a man not capable of this

and seems to think he's done something impressive by looking after his child!

This would piss me off no end. My ex referred proudly to the 'sacrifice' he made by looking after his own children when I was away for one night. He also used to proudly refer to himself as a feminist. My arse.

You could take a leaf out of my friend's book - she left a clean house, empty bins, empty laundry basket, full fridge etc to go away for a week and came back to a shitheap. Turned right around and went to a hotel saying to let her know when the house was in exactly the same state she'd left it in and she'd come back.

It took two days.

I'm surprised at the 'as long as everyone is fed and no one is dead' remarks. Really?? I would be furious. It's unfair and extremely unequal. He might as well say (I don't mean to be brutal OP) 'fark that bitch, let her do it'. Sorry OP, I don't think it's acceptable in any fashion.

So because OP hasn't 'trained' her OH to do stuff because she generally does most of the house-stuff and thus has disempowered him from being able to clean a floor and sort out a uniform, it's her fault he did nowt at the weekend. Really?? I'm gobsmacked. Is that not internalised misogyny at its most basic and finest. Wow. As others have said, the bar for men....

School aged child and a dog? C'mon. He can and should have done better.

As long as people apply the saying ‘all fed, none dead’ to themselves as well as their partner, then it’s fine. To be fair there were many days when DS was little when that saying applied to me, when I really struggled to get anything done.

DH does need to then work with you to get things back on track with housework and not expect you to do it all

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH came back from a boozy weekend and moaned he was tired.

I'd be annoyed I had to come in and do the basics like school uniform and picking clothes up. Why wasn't uniform done over the weekend? Why weren't clothes picked up when taken off? But then I'm biased as my house is always tidier when I return from a break than when I live there

being controlling when it comes to the quality/quantity of housework done or not done in their absence

Expecting a parent to have organised clean uniform for their own child is not controlling. I swear there is nothing that women won’t forgive of men on this forum.

@SerendipitySunshine

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH came back from a boozy weekend and moaned he was tired.

Does your DH normally have to run his thoughts and feelings passed you for approval before he can express them?

This thread makes me so happy i’m divorced. Just depressing how men are still given a round of applause for looking after their own kids and can’t be expected to get a uniform ready without expressly told to do so. Yet amazingly many of them hold down demanding jobs

That was deliberate on his part.

PA bullshit.

He could have easily had the house tidy when he returned, but he CHOSE not to.

Don't be silly and think otherwise.

This was a choice.

He chose to leave a mess which would be a downer on anyone returning after a night away.

Not kind.
Not nice.
Certainly not loving.

Take this very seriously.
This is a red flag IMO.

Of really poor behaviour.

I've gone away for a night and left my husband with 4 children to feed and do most sport runs.

I have come home to everything in order, children fed, evening meal sorted.

I am a SAHM.

He does it, because he is respectful.

Is it easy? Nope. Very full on.

But he does it.

There was no need for you to return to a mess, but he wanted that for you.

Have a hard think about the dynamic.
Why would he choose to do that?
What was his motivation?

Definitely have a think before you have another child with him.

He's no prize.

@DenholmElliot

I'm in the "all fed no one dead" camp too to be honest.

It's was a planned 36 hours with one child and a dog, not a crisis situation. If OP handy returned, would it be OK for this kid to live in a mess - clothes and dog hair all over the floor, going to school in dirty uniform because Dad had managed to provide food and not let anyone die and that all he needs to do??

@BluerThanRobinsEggs

You could take a leaf out of my friend's book - she left a clean house, empty bins, empty laundry basket, full fridge etc to go away for a week and came back to a shitheap. Turned right around and went to a hotel saying to let her know when the house was in exactly the same state she'd left it in and she'd come back.

It took two days.

And that's how it's done.!👏

@User73ui843

Embarrassing. School age child and dog. Whoopi do. I love that 'noone dead' is the bar set for men. No uniform washed ffs. Dog mess.

Did he expect you to do it?

Agree with this. I'm not massively hung up on housework and things being 100% spotless/tidy all of the time but come on basic stuff should be done. I'd be annoyed about that, my DH isn't a child nor would he act like he's doing something special by looking after his own child though............

I am more hung up on the uniform thing do you not wash as you go or wash during the week? But all for they are all alive and fed

Isn't he great?
Anyone would swear he had to mind the kid and dog and fight Russia single handedly.

I would be mightily pissed off with him too.

Male incompetence.

I don't know, my dh is going away for 3 days and I'm expecting a medal present and take away when he's back, but I have 3. It all depends on your standards. I wouldn't hold him to the same standard as me because I'm sahm and I know for the first few months I definitely struggled to find my feet and the place was a tip, so I hold him to those standards and not my well established routine now. As long as he made some effort I'd be happy. But then I know he respects me and what I do and I know that if I said tomorrow I'm leaving for 3 days on Saturday he wouldn't bat an eyelid but might come to me Thursday with his plan for dinners to sense check.

Some men are great, and normal, at doing their job as a parent. Some are not. But if you're stuck with one of the rubbish ones, you can't win. Either you point out what's been left undone and you're nagging or moaning, or you just sigh and say nothing and get on with doing the jobs yourself while resentment builds. I've done the same thing, 28 hours away last weekend, first time I've left the kids with him in 3 years, and when I got back I was met with all the jobs still to do, so no point in getting away for a 'break' at all. In fact, before I left on the saturday morning, I pulled all the dirty washing out of the baskets and left it at the top of the stairs, and when I got back on sunday afternoon it was still there. He would have had to step over it each time he went up or down. You could say maybe I should have said "can you please do this washing while I'm away" but it's not like i've created a dirty washing sculpture art installation ffs... Also, ds9 told me he'd spilled his medicine in the bathroom as he'd tried to manage the little spoon and (very runny) antihistamine syrup by himself, rather than ask his dad to give it to him. Just shows how little confidence the kids have in their dad's competence.
He's away overnight a few times a month for gigs or whatever, or visiting family as he has done recently, and when he gets back everything is done. Usually extra things are done that I'd rather do when he's not here. I cannot imagine for one second letting him come back to a shithole, nothing in the fridge, and him picking up the jobs as soon as he walks in the door. Not to mention the preparation I put in beforehand knowing I won't be here, i.e. making sure I get enough shopping for them all to eat while I'm away. Would he think of that before he goes away? No chance.
And like your ex @VirginiaQ he'll decide to take time to do something bizarrely irrelevant like yesterday when he decided to stand and fill the water butt with tap water...... that's another whole thread.
So, yes, you should expect more @autienotnaughty and he should not act as if he wants a flippen medal.

Uniform I put on a wash/dry before I left so it was a case of taking it out making sure it's not damp (dryer is not best) and iron if needed. I also get uniform out night before so less of a rush in morning. I take points about well established routine because obviously it's second nature to me.

@Notwithittoday

I’m on your side. I took one dc out yesterday for two hours. Left DH in with our toddler ( who napped for the first hour). Came home to a sink full of dishes, high chair, surfaces and floor covered in bits of food and dirty laundry from changing the toddler on the floor. Not even as if I was out doing anything for myself

Hope you didn't just quietly muck in and clean up for him?

@toomuchlaundry

As long as people apply the saying ‘all fed, none dead’ to themselves as well as their partner, then it’s fine. To be fair there were many days when DS was little when that saying applied to me, when I really struggled to get anything done.

DH does need to then work with you to get things back on track with housework and not expect you to do it all

Yes, that's true. I applied it equally to myself when the DC were little, and still don't do much housework now. I suppose the issue is if one partner is more bothered than the other, regardless of gender, as it's more or less bound to lead to conflict at some point. My ex husband was far fussier about housework than I have ever been, and I used to find it controlling and very, very annoying (he was perfectly welcome to hoover if he wanted a hoovered house, but he could have done it in a way that wasn't passive aggressive). But I dare say he felt frustrated by my 'all fed, no-one dead' approach.

Why do they act like a babysitter -thoughwhen i look after my niece even i wipe down after myself why do they act like its a chore to look after their own house/kids