Met divorced father of two, very devoted to the kids, despite 50/50 childcare split he seems to be doing 90% of the care in addition to what he says is a depressed ex-wife who is like a child #3. He wanted to date seriously, long term with a goal to get married. He wanted to take it slow to ensure he is not getting into a “honey trap” as he said he was used by women so many times, which was ok with me as I didn’t want to rush into anything. As I quickly realised sex was not subject to “not rushing into anything” deal, that needed to begin ASAP.
So, with the backdrop of “not rushing” he began looking for homes near me as oldest child is preparing for 11+ and he was looking to move to countryside. Of course, as helpful as women are I spent so much time helping with schools and homes searches, going to viewings etc. Everything seemed uneventful, talking daily, been to each other’s homes and just taking it easy. Too good to be true? Then it probably is.
Comes 14th of February, I did not expect anything at all and could not care either way about the day. We usually began to speak early mornings, that day he avoided any contact until late afternoon, which was fine as he was on half-term with kids. Eventually he contacted me saying he woke up late, I sent him some more property reports I found, which he thanked me saying I deserved a medal, as at this point, I helped him loads. I jokingly said "I would be waiting", and his response was “yeah keep waiting”. I felt like I am getting into some sub-servient dynamic where I did most of work and he felt like it’s a given and he is a prize to be won. So, I mentioned that he does not seem to be an affectionate person as most of his comments kind of cold, and most of his compliments so far were mostly sexual in nature or regarding my physical appearance, not so much about me as a person. Nearest to that he said that I was “easy to like” person naturally, as an attractive woman. That was the extent of it.
So… we got into “that conversation”. He admitted that I was not the 1st person to accuse him of not being affectionate, even his mother said he was cold, he didn’t remember when last he celebrated Valentines and didn’t believe in it. I made it clear it was a general comment and nothing to do with Valentines, "all I knew that he liked me on physical level, but I could not gauge if he liked me as a person".
The hell broke loose following that comment. He said he didn’t know what to say and needed time to think.. What followed was fusion of passive aggressive messaging, silent treatment and stonewalling. Few days later I asked if everything was ok as I was going away, and the response was literally “I didn’t like your comment. I told you I wanted to take things easy and didn’t want any pressure at such an early stage. Your inquisition by text raised a big red flag as I am going through my “commitment process”, so as I said he needed time to think.”
Am I being unreasonable wanting to know if a man liked me as a person following a month of dating and daily communication? It threw me so much, because I thought I was the one needed time to think as his proposition was to take on 52 year old man with “emotional and commitment issues”, 2 primary school children, requiring at least a decade long commitment, depressed mama drama and he wanted everything 50/50 as far a financial arrangement, which is a big ask on part of someone who is independent and without small kids. Did not sound as an equitable transaction to me, but I would not have minded if I grew to love that person.
I guess what I am trying to find out is - when it’s too soon to ask if someone liked you and how does that question translate into “pressure”? To me knowing you like someone is the beginning of the relationship, am I wrong?