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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it to be expected/accepted that parents will favour their daughters and daughters children?

93 replies

Weekendvibes · 27/02/2022 14:15

I get on perfectly well with my in laws. They are nice enough people and could be far worse going by some of the horror stories I read on here.

But one thing that's becoming more obvious is how much they favour their dd (and other grandchildren (sil) and her children.

We have boys and sil has girls and the warm welcome that sil and her dds get compared to us is so blatantly obvious. Mil and fil faces light up when they see them and they are greeted with such a warm tone of voice and hugs and kisses. We get a simple hello.

They help sil out a lot financially and also with childcare, they are always talking about how hard up their dd is and how she is struggling. This is despite sil and her dh having a bigger income than us and less outgoings. I know all this because my in laws tell us a lot about their finances. I'm not sure where they've got the idea that we are well off compared to sil.

Whenever we go to mils, she has bought her granddaughters little gifts such as clothes, comics, costume jewellery, packs of socks and pants, not for birthdays or Christmas just random gifts that she's seen, but doesn't buy any of this for our children.

When we see in laws mil spends most of the time telling us about her dd and granddaughters down to every bowel movement her granddaughters have had. Nieces are lovely but mil in particular doesn't show any interest in our sons and changes the subject of I try to tell her anything they've been doing.

Our dc are a few years older than sils dc and when ours were small, we were always expected to attend lots of activities which they wanted to do that weren't child friendly or were at inconvenient times even though it was a huge pain. Now that sil has children everything revolves around her dc and sil is never to be expected to put herself out. Even down to what food the granddaughter will eat. We weren't ever afforded any of this consideration.

Fil openly criticises dh and I and he can be really cutting to dh even laughing at his appearance, of course it's all supposed to be 'a joke' but he would never do this to sil.

Dh is expected to be the doting older brother and drop everything at a moments notice but it would never be reciprocated.

I find it all quite hurtful. I don't think dh has ever noticed but he is always trying to impress his parents and win their approval and I've realised that he started to become irritated by in laws always making out that sil is hard up.

I've heard people say that grandparents are always closer to their daughters children is it just one of those things you have to accept.

OP posts:
YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 27/02/2022 14:18

No, it's not to be expected. Your ILs are just twats. Their behaviour isn't normal.

DiddyHeck · 27/02/2022 14:19

I've heard people say that grandparents are always closer to their daughters children is it just one of those things you have to accept.

Well is your mum closer to you and yours?

JustLyra · 27/02/2022 14:22

I think in many families it's far more to do with who is the golden child than the son or daughter issue. Which it sounds like with your comment about how your FIL speaks to your DH.

Chloemol · 27/02/2022 14:23

No it’s not expected. They sound horrible, but unless your dh is going to stand up and say something it will just continue

Personally I would start to go LC. And when they want help point them in the direction of sil

Cuddlemuffin · 27/02/2022 14:25

No definitely not a 'normal' thing. It depends totally on the family and the dynamics within it.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 14:26

My ils treated my dc like second class dc.. Sil alll but gave birth to JC himself.

I backed away and took my dc with me. They didn't care.

CombatBarbie · 27/02/2022 14:26

Have you ever called them out on their behaviours? Failing that go low contact because your boys really don't need to grow up with that shit.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 27/02/2022 14:26

Fil openly criticises dh and I and he can be really cutting to dh even laughing at his appearance, of course it's all supposed to be 'a joke' but he would never do this to sil

My in-laws did this to my DH too. I found it really annoying and said so. I would suggest that you do the same if your DH won't defend himself.

ASimpleLobsterHat · 27/02/2022 14:27

Not normal in my experience. I think my brother is probably closer to my parents than I am - not in a golden child sort of way, just because he was single for quite a while and so remained closer to them, whereas I met DH and married early. My parents are close with both sets of grandchildren and treat them the same.

Onlyforcake · 27/02/2022 14:27

I don't think it's girls v boys as such. MyDH and SIL only have boys, but it's very clear that SIL sons are hugely favoured. Unfortunately for my children my own parents very much prefer my childless brother. I think I'm just unlikable!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 14:27

I don’t think it’s inevitable at all.

I’d see much less of them. It’s damaging for your sons to see they’re being treated like second class citizens and see their lovely dad being humiliated by people who are supposed to love and support him. Even without SIL and her DC for comparison their treatment of DH, you and your family is uncaring and nasty. Stop putting yourselves through it.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 27/02/2022 14:28

I agree that it's a golden child issue in your IL's case. It is often the case that women lean towards their mother when they have a baby so sometimes it can look that way, especially if arrangements with family are always left to the woman. I don't think that's what's going on here though.

Mrstwiddle · 27/02/2022 14:29

From my experience I’d say that it’s true, but if the parents in law are decent people, they won’t make it obvious.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/02/2022 14:30

I think there is a definitely a "golden child" aspect to this.

How were they with your kids before SIL had hers?
Based on your example about it all being about their preferred activities and no accommodations being made for the fact you had small children.. I am guessing their interest levels were equally tepid pre and post sil kids...
If so, then I think you have a golden child situation on your hands.

FairWindClearSailing · 27/02/2022 14:32

Not my experience. Mil dotes on DS to the extent it can be quite overbearing 😅 sounds like sil is the favourite and maybe that's why.

ReginaFilange001 · 27/02/2022 14:34

I'm in a similar situation with my child and husband.
I actually prefer not to spend time with them and am LC with them and SIL family. It suits me and my mental health to be honest.
My husband doesn't stand up for himself for our child or me and whilst it makes me cross it's a habit of a lifetime for him to be trodden on by them.
They have minimal contact with our child and quite frankly they are the ones missing out and that's on them.
My advice is just stop trying - be happy with your life and children - it's your husband issue with his family. Your children will realise the disparity in treatment soon enough and they will react accordingly.

Rrrob · 27/02/2022 14:36

My ILs are like this. I’m fine with it this way :D

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/02/2022 14:37

I’d say your example is representative of bigger issues but on the whole yes I think western families are closer to the female side

Hummingbirdcake · 27/02/2022 14:41

As posters above have already said, it’s not so much between sons and daughters as who was the favourite child. Their kids often get better treatment regardless of whether their parent is male or female.

JustLyra · 27/02/2022 14:46

I also think a lot of the time in families where the grandparents are closer to the daughter's children it's partly to do with the fact that women are far more likely to work part time so often spend more time with their parents, therefore the children do.

It also depends on the parents. My MIL is far closer to my children than she is to BIL's children which is entirely down to BIL & SIL and their opinions on how family time should be spent.

Original poster
Weekendvibes · 27/02/2022 14:47

I have a brother but he doesn't have dc.

I stick up for dh when fil puts him down I think fil just thinks he's a bloke therefore he's fair game but it's infuriating to sit and listen to fils 'jokey' put downs then in the next breathe hear him singing sils praises or showing her such kindness. Sil is in no way better than dh and the put downs aren't justified.

They aren't unkind towards our dc but they are noticeably favourable and more involved to their granddaughters.

The trouble is once you notice it you can't unsee it.

OP posts:
PurplePinecone · 27/02/2022 14:48

We experience this. Mil has no interest in our kids and hasn't seem them since youngest was 1. She's nearly 4 now. Even done trips up north to see fil and she's ignored our visits.

I wonder if it's something to do with grand children's looks. My kids do look more like my side of the family and DH sisters kids look more like mil and fil. Might have something to do with it? Just glad my mum and dad dote on them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/02/2022 14:49

Also boys tend to be more physically demanding when younger- not always- but I think if grandparents want a calmer experience they assume that’s the girls

DiddyHeck · 27/02/2022 14:49

What is your own mum like with you and your kids OP?

Jackjack0962 · 27/02/2022 14:52

My in laws are the same OP and all grandkids are girls.
DH’s tried pulling them up on it but they don’t seem to care. They’ve said that because my parents are involved in our children's lives their other grandkids need them more as their other set of grandparents aren’t Hmm
I’ve lost all respect for them.