Is it to be expected/accepted that parents will favour their daughters and daughters children?

[Weekendvibes]

I get on perfectly well with my in laws. They are nice enough people and could be far worse going by some of the horror stories I read on here.

But one thing that's becoming more obvious is how much they favour their dd (and other grandchildren (sil) and her children.

We have boys and sil has girls and the warm welcome that sil and her dds get compared to us is so blatantly obvious. Mil and fil faces light up when they see them and they are greeted with such a warm tone of voice and hugs and kisses. We get a simple hello.

They help sil out a lot financially and also with childcare, they are always talking about how hard up their dd is and how she is struggling. This is despite sil and her dh having a bigger income than us and less outgoings. I know all this because my in laws tell us a lot about their finances. I'm not sure where they've got the idea that we are well off compared to sil.

Whenever we go to mils, she has bought her granddaughters little gifts such as clothes, comics, costume jewellery, packs of socks and pants, not for birthdays or Christmas just random gifts that she's seen, but doesn't buy any of this for our children.

When we see in laws mil spends most of the time telling us about her dd and granddaughters down to every bowel movement her granddaughters have had. Nieces are lovely but mil in particular doesn't show any interest in our sons and changes the subject of I try to tell her anything they've been doing.

Our dc are a few years older than sils dc and when ours were small, we were always expected to attend lots of activities which they wanted to do that weren't child friendly or were at inconvenient times even though it was a huge pain. Now that sil has children everything revolves around her dc and sil is never to be expected to put herself out. Even down to what food the granddaughter will eat. We weren't ever afforded any of this consideration.

Fil openly criticises dh and I and he can be really cutting to dh even laughing at his appearance, of course it's all supposed to be 'a joke' but he would never do this to sil.

Dh is expected to be the doting older brother and drop everything at a moments notice but it would never be reciprocated.

I find it all quite hurtful. I don't think dh has ever noticed but he is always trying to impress his parents and win their approval and I've realised that he started to become irritated by in laws always making out that sil is hard up.

I've heard people say that grandparents are always closer to their daughters children is it just one of those things you have to accept.

It can be said daughters favour their own mother than their IL's and vice versa.
I'd much rather go and have a cuppa with my mum & nan than my IL's but my SIL depends on her mother and has virtually no relationship with her MIL.
I'm not sure that's anything to do with our connection it's just the way it is we all get along but we all have our preferences too.
That being said, your IL's sound like they've taken favouritism to the extreme.

That's not too be expected, no.

My parents are fine, but they are like chalk and cheese with in laws so the whole dynamic is completely different.

All the grandchildren are boys on my side of the family and I would say my mum has been the same with all of them.

People say this thing about grandparents being closer to daughter and daughter's children but I just don't see it myself! The only explanation I can see for this theory is that maybe daughters involve their parents more than some DILs would. My in-laws are extremely devoted to our children (their son's children). My parents are also close and involved with my brother's family.

This could have been written by my mum! My GPs were like this with me and my brothers vs my cousins (aunts children). They were always favoured in the same way you describe.

As children, we were very aware of it and dreaded visiting. Now I am LC / virtually no contact but I never understood why my parents (dad particularly) didn't do this on our behalf as children. We used to have to visit every couple of months and be subject to seeing how much they preferred our cousins to us. It massively contributed to feelings of low self esteem I had as a teen.

@Weekendvibes

I have a brother but he doesn't have dc.

I stick up for dh when fil puts him down I think fil just thinks he's a bloke therefore he's fair game but it's infuriating to sit and listen to fils 'jokey' put downs then in the next breathe hear him singing sils praises or showing her such kindness. Sil is in no way better than dh and the put downs aren't justified.

They aren't unkind towards our dc but they are noticeably favourable and more involved to their granddaughters.

The trouble is once you notice it you can't unsee it.

From experience, daughters tend to involve their parents more in the lives of the children throughout pregnancy, in the early days, etc. I think that’s where it starts from and then continues like that.

Just remember that his parents owe you nothing and you therefore expect nothing and won’t be disappointed.

No it's not normal. My MIL is closer to SiL than me so helps her more with practicalities. She is kind, loving and generous to all her children and grandchildren though not only SIL and her kids.

My MIL bought our DC a cheap toy train and BIL's DC a tablet for Christmas. Presented to them at the same time, in front of eachother. Why some people have to be so blatant with their favouritism is beyond me.

This definitely sounds like the golden child/scapegoat dynamic that happens in many dysfunctional families, and it is nothing to do with preferring one sex over the other. Your DH is the less liked, less respected child of your Pils - nothing to do with how good or bad he is - it is the parents who are doing this and there is nothing objective about it.

I have often noticed that if people like a person, they will like their children too, and vice versa. So this obvious favouritism with the Sil and her children is nothing to do with your boys or what they are like. It is to do with the fact that they do not respect your DH (not his fault), and therefore you and your DC too as you are associated with him.
Your DH needs to recognise this painful situation for what it is, and stop trying to please/appease.humour his parents.

It would be best for him and your DC if you could all move away and have less contact with these people. They are only impacting your life in a negative way, and there is no mileage in trying to change the family dynamic. You can only live your own lives as positively as possible, and your DH would benefit from counselling to help him come to terms with the unhealthy family situation.

I would have to disagree that it's anything I've done. Hence my point about us always being expected to attend events even when they were a pita.

I dragged my pregnant self and the dc to endless boring and inconvenient family meals, parties and gatherings because it was what dhs family wanted or we would have to get childcare.

Sil has children and the whole thing changed suddenly everything had to be 100% child friendly.

So it's definitely not down to lack of effort on my part.

Agree with all of the others that it’s a golden child thing here, and not directly related to sex.

We have the same. DH has a brother and a sister. His brother is the golden child. PILs probably spend more time with SIL’s kids because they live closer, but it’s clear that it’s BIL’s child who is the favourite. I’ve actually started threads about this in the past - we live near BIL but an 8 hour round trip from PILs and they will come and visit BIL and his child and not even tell us they are here. It’s so sad and dysfunctional.

I think the best thing you can do is not pander to it and protect your kids. Go as low contact with them as you can because it’s not your fault and not something you can ever fix. Your kids shouldn’t have to feel they are second best.

They aren't unkind towards our dc but they are noticeably favourable and more involved to their granddaughters.

They are unkind to your DC.

They criticise your DC’s dad, right in front of them. Your DC have two parents who they adore and look up to. Slagging off their son is hurting their grandkids.

They just sound a bit unpleasant from what you've said there. Sorry.

Old saying: Your son is your son til he takes him a wife,
But your daughter's your daughter all of her life.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Old saying: Your son is your son til he takes him a wife, But your daughter's your daughter all of her life.

Old, unhelpful, lazy.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Old saying: Your son is your son til he takes him a wife, But your daughter's your daughter all of her life.

Nonsense. My DH adores his mum! My brothers are still very involved with my parents.

It's just these people. Very odd. I would ask them outright of gds received gifts in front of me and my DC's when it wasn't a special occasions. I would change the conversation every time she wanted to talk about her gds. Very rude of them

It’s horrid and my IL’s are showing me exactly how not to act when either of my two boys brings home a partner.

I have had a terrible year, we are on our knees with bad luck and health issues, and all I ever hear about is how hard it is for my SIL when she has every resource available that is not offered to us. Even if we try and say please have the kids one day just to help us go to work, she’ll actively say no, mum is having mine already so she can’t. This is the tip of the iceberg though.

No I don't think it's normal but maybe understandable in some situations. My in laws love our kids and obviously try so hard not to have favourites but they are a bit closer to SILs kids, just because they're closer to their daughter than their son. To be honest she does make more of an effort with them than DH does. Your in laws are just tears.

Twats!

I think it’s the granddaughter aspects rather than the daughter.

I have boys, and see my mum more than my brother, but she goes on and on about my niece all the time.

She finds her easier, and has more in common with her. She’s quieter. I wonder if it’s that aspect.

I will never forget the day my MIL brought out two matching dresses and handed them to her two other granddaughters in front my my girl.

She said to me mummy, where is my dress and I said Nanny where is my daughters dress? Then to my child it’s ok Mummy will buy you one that’s even more special.

Cue intense interest in my kids for approx 5 days before they go back to being bastards.

Definitely golden child syndrome. I'm a daughter and I get on much better with my in IL as they treat everyone the same. My mum told me when I had my son 'there is nothing like having a son' 🙄 I do t see her that much, she doesn't support me in any way. I am very independent and have done much better then her in my life which I am sure she hates, my brother on the other hand sees her regularly and relies on her financially (we are late 30s BTW) when I speak to her on the phone all she talks about is how wonderful my nieces and nephew are 🙄 as a result my son isn't interested in her and they are not close. My father pretends he's interested but isn't. A few afternoons 3-4 times a year is all he can manage, he doesn't live close by and was never there for us growing up so I am not surprised not do I care. Concentrate on the people that love and support you, thats normally not blood relations!

It's a funny one OP, but I think you're definitely onto something. I have a feeling it may be age related, and to do with very old fashioned ideas of matriarchal family structures. My grandmother (late 90s,now!) has always bought additional things for and clearly favours my children over my brother's. Fortunately it's in very subtle ways and so my SIL has not noticed. When queried, she says well they're (my SIL's) children, and they have their own grandparents. Basically, she sees my children as more important in the family chain because I'm their mother, and directly her granddaughter, whereas my SIL is not a blood relation.

It's mad, but it makes sense to her. And she's 96 and hard as nails so no-one wants to argue with her!

I think, in general, people have very gendered expectations about their children and their parents, even more so than they might for friends, and this often leads to quite different treatment sons and daughters. I don’t think it always results in daughters being treated better. But with the way caring generally falls on women in society and the way women tend to be much more active in maintaining social networks, it is common that a mother will have a closer bond with their daughters.

That bond between a mum and her daughter is often strengthened when grand children come along in a way that relationships with sons (or in-laws) aren’t. There’s a lot of intimate support and sharing that can be provided by a mother to her daughter who’s pregnant or recently given birth that would not be as welcome from a MiL (nor as comfortable being shared with/provided to a DiL) and that isn’t need by a son who’s about/just become a father. Then the help that can be provided when children are younger is often asked for by daughters - because son’s tend to take on less of the caring for babies work and provided by the women’s mothers because it’s easier to ask your mother than your MiL and probably grandmothers are more likely to respond positively to requests from their daughters than their daughters-in-law because they are already closer.

If women didn’t do the bulk of child rearing and there wasn’t a biological burden that only women shoulder then I think the skew towards daughters being closer would be less true. But in the society we live in, I think it’s to be expected, really.

But as I say above, closer doesn’t necessarily mean more favourably, though in your case, OP, it does seem that way.