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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it to be expected/accepted that parents will favour their daughters and daughters children?

93 replies

Weekendvibes · 27/02/2022 14:15

I get on perfectly well with my in laws. They are nice enough people and could be far worse going by some of the horror stories I read on here.

But one thing that's becoming more obvious is how much they favour their dd (and other grandchildren (sil) and her children.

We have boys and sil has girls and the warm welcome that sil and her dds get compared to us is so blatantly obvious. Mil and fil faces light up when they see them and they are greeted with such a warm tone of voice and hugs and kisses. We get a simple hello.

They help sil out a lot financially and also with childcare, they are always talking about how hard up their dd is and how she is struggling. This is despite sil and her dh having a bigger income than us and less outgoings. I know all this because my in laws tell us a lot about their finances. I'm not sure where they've got the idea that we are well off compared to sil.

Whenever we go to mils, she has bought her granddaughters little gifts such as clothes, comics, costume jewellery, packs of socks and pants, not for birthdays or Christmas just random gifts that she's seen, but doesn't buy any of this for our children.

When we see in laws mil spends most of the time telling us about her dd and granddaughters down to every bowel movement her granddaughters have had. Nieces are lovely but mil in particular doesn't show any interest in our sons and changes the subject of I try to tell her anything they've been doing.

Our dc are a few years older than sils dc and when ours were small, we were always expected to attend lots of activities which they wanted to do that weren't child friendly or were at inconvenient times even though it was a huge pain. Now that sil has children everything revolves around her dc and sil is never to be expected to put herself out. Even down to what food the granddaughter will eat. We weren't ever afforded any of this consideration.

Fil openly criticises dh and I and he can be really cutting to dh even laughing at his appearance, of course it's all supposed to be 'a joke' but he would never do this to sil.

Dh is expected to be the doting older brother and drop everything at a moments notice but it would never be reciprocated.

I find it all quite hurtful. I don't think dh has ever noticed but he is always trying to impress his parents and win their approval and I've realised that he started to become irritated by in laws always making out that sil is hard up.

I've heard people say that grandparents are always closer to their daughters children is it just one of those things you have to accept.

OP posts:

Trinacham · 02/03/2022 06:41

Definitely not the case on my side of the family. My mum loves my Nephews and fussed over them just the same as she does my Nieces and now my son. Whether it will be on the in-laws side, will have to wait and see!

Fedupbuyer · 02/03/2022 06:47

Yes,my iL’s will never babysit our dc’s but they watch sil’s dc at least 3 times a week,they gave her a deposit to buy a house,we got zilch,they are also paying for her wedding abroad,we didn’t even get a card!oh an they also expect us to cough up 5k to go to said wedding next year!

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2022 07:00

Tbh it’s traditional for the bride’s parents to pay for her wedding, and even though that doesn’t always happen these days, I wouldn’t uphold that as favouritism more than tradition.

Also women are generally closer to their mothers so it stands to reason that the grandchildren will often be closer as wel. You only have to look at the number of anti in law threads on here to see that many women resent the inlaws’ place in their lives and this in turn can lead to a different balance in the relationship with the GC as well…

In the OP’s case though it sounds as if SIL was the golden child growing up and before there were children in the picture, so this is naturally going to follow.

JudgeJ · 02/03/2022 13:43

@DiddyHeck

I've heard people say that grandparents are always closer to their daughters children is it just one of those things you have to accept.

Well is your mum closer to you and yours?

It's certainly accepted on MN that 'her' mother has more rights etc than 'his' mother, maybe her perceived attachment to her daughter's children is as a result of this, have you tended to look more to your family and now this is the consequence of that?

Curlysue212 · 02/03/2022 22:19

I feel your pain OP. Its awful and hurtful but the only thing you can do is create a little distance emotionally so that it doesn't hurt as much. I live very close to PIL. SIL and family live next door to them. MIL has practically raised SIL's two children. She buys them clothes and toys, gives them pocket money, takes them on foreign holidays, feeds them (they eat breakfast and lunch there daily) and has even bought their Santa stuff. My kids barely get a look in. There is no real interest in them or anything they do. The only way I can keep my kids from getting hurt is to create distance so that they can't see the hierarchy. Ultimately, it's PIL who are losing out. My girls are super and we've made sure that they have full and happy lives so that they won't ever feel they've missed out.

Throwntothewolves · 02/03/2022 22:40

It is an awful thing to do and it's abusive, even once the children are adults. My PIL favoured their daughter over their sons throughout life. It has had a lasting affect on my husband to the point where he suffers from depression, which is rooted in how he was overlooked in favour of his sister as a child. I doubt his parents even realised they were causing him so much distress, but he will never fully recover from it.
It is so important to feel you really matter to those who are supposed to love you.

Gindrinker43 · 03/03/2022 22:03

My MIL did exactly this. As my DS got older they recognised it themselves and often commented on it. They just didn't bother with her, she could have had a great relationship with them especially as she was widowed and lonely but she brought it on herself.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/03/2022 22:21

In hindsight I accept that sil literally threw her dc at her dps. There was no ils asking for lots of time /expecting overnights/choosing her dc over mine etc. It was expected FROM sil that it was happening. Ils had no time for my dc at all.
Also my thinking is that ils could feel it would be overstepping to ask dil for unsupervised time with dc whilst your own dps would just ask. Whatever YOUR relationship is with ils will reflect how they are with your dc..
Imo.
Still resent those ils now and dc are late 20's!

Stopsnowing · 03/03/2022 22:27

My dm favours dd over ds. I hate it.

Stopsnowing · 03/03/2022 22:28

And has made clear she prefers girls to boys

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/03/2022 23:11

Well if they're the type of parents to treat their daughter differently they will treat their daughters children differently

My parents have been careful to treat my brothers children exactly the same as mine

regjamesanddemons · 04/03/2022 00:42

A daughter's a daughter for life, a son's a son until he meets his wife.

I don't know if it's expected per se but it's definitely what I have witnessed and if I'm absolutely honest, I have one DD and knew she was going to be an only child and inwardly I had that thought when she was born so glad she's a girl since I'm only having the one

regjamesanddemons · 04/03/2022 00:43

@regjamesanddemons

A daughter's a daughter for life, a son's a son until he meets his wife.

Must clarify, only because I do believe that's how it goes, tend to be closer to the wife's family when people get married.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 04/03/2022 00:49

It's not something I've witnessed in my family or friend's circle. My parents had a great relationship with my DB's DCs.

Sometimes it can be life circumstances. Maybe they have more time or disposable income now than they had when your DCs were smaller.

Bunty55 · 04/03/2022 00:58

Both my son and daughter have children and I love them all. There is no favouritism from me at all even though my daughter lives with me.
My own mother was a horrible woman who had favourites. It ruined my childhood and when it started to affect my own children I cut her off.
She could do it to me but no way was she doing it to my precious children. What kind of person behaves like this??
Not me.

FrothyB · 04/03/2022 01:00

Some people just have a gender preference which can manifest itself to an extreme level.

My family on my fathers side were a little crazy in general. My Dad was the younger child with an older sister, but his Mother almost refused to accept him as hers, supposedly telling the midwife to take him away, because she didn't have a little boy, she had had another girl. She was seemingly a very difficult woman, falling out with her eldest daughter for years at a time and not speaking. She treated my Dad quite harshly also, despite him essentially worshipping the ground she walked on, especially in her later years.

I was the first Grandchild, who was welcomed despite being male. When my cousin arrived 2 years later however, a little girl, it was quite evident who the favourite was. That's not to say I was treated badly, it was simply clear that my cousin was held in higher esteem. She could do no wrong.

My Mums family on the other hand, 3 Sisters and my Grandmother, had no favourites that I am aware of, amongst her children or grandchildren.

MessedOfTimes · 04/03/2022 01:13

Have to agree with PPs remarks about it being a “Golden Child” issue. My mother is like this with my brother (he’s the eldest and only boy of five children - if that even means anything 🤷🏻‍♀️), and he doesn’t even have kids, whilst my other siblings and I have four children between us.

Superhanz · 04/03/2022 09:36

No, your MIL sounds like a shit GM.

If you have a brother do your DPs prefer your children over his?

It's definitely not the norm.

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