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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be coping being gay this late in life?

62 replies

GayANDguilty · 26/02/2022 20:37

I’ve torn my family apart after realising I am gay in my 40s.
I feel dreadful and miss and love my husband very much - I just can’t give him what he want, his wife back without knowing I am gay.
I’ve signed up to counselling now as I’m running out of ideas how not to feel like this.
Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
Whybirdwhy · 26/02/2022 20:42

Well done for having the courage to come out. This will be a very difficult period but you will get through it and be glad that you did. Happiness lies ahead. I know you want advice on that process and I don't have it but wanted to offer encouragement. Good luck.

Whybirdwhy · 26/02/2022 20:45

Also, try to find a support group of people who have been through the same thing. The counsellor may be able to help with some contacts.

WandaThePanda · 26/02/2022 20:46

Things will get better - I have two close friends who came out in their 30s/40s and after a bit of a bumpy few months they were both so much happier for it in the end. I’d suggest tapping into some support networks for those going through similar. Well done - what you’ve done takes courage Flowers

BloodyN0rah · 26/02/2022 20:57

That’s such a big upheaval for everyone, I mean this kindly but perhaps it is just going to feel a bit shit for a while?
I don’t mean you should beat yourself up, definitely take the counselling and any help or support you can get but also have faith that you’ll get to a better place than where you are now- it was always going to get worse before it got better.

ExactlyThis · 26/02/2022 21:01

I have 3!!! Friends who have done this in the past 12 months.

I think the pandemic has made people realise life is too short.

ShinyMe · 26/02/2022 21:36

I'm in a similar sort of boat OP, it's hard isn't it? I suppose I'm lucky in that I wasn't in a relationship when I realised and then came out, but it's still hard.

I think therapy would help - I've been doing a counselling course this year and this is partly what prompted me to come out - the lessons have been almost like therapy, and have made me start to come to terms with things, and to realise that I couldn't carry on pretending it wasn't a thing and that I was someone who I wasn't for much longer, without falling apart. I am also looking to get some proper therapy to work through it all.

I've also talked to someone in our local LGBTQ+ charity, that was helpful too, and when I can, I will go along to some of their support groups, as I think it would help me to go and just meet and chat to some other people in the same boat and who've been through a similar process of self realisation.

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 21:40

I know a few people who came out as gay in their 40/50s!!
Obviously it was a bit bumpy at first but all of them had great lives and really supportive family and friends once they got over the initial shock.
One of them ended up being best friends with her ex.

Is there a women on the scene?

The only thing I’m slightly concerned about is that you’ve only ‘just realised’.

Most people have some sort of feeling they could be gay or bi when they’re young but they may put it down to being a phase or something.
Are you sure you want a relationship with a women or are you just not sure what you want?

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 26/02/2022 21:44

I had a few infatuations with women when I was younger but they never developed and I we happily married for 15 years.
The guilt of leaving a husband I do completely love just in a very different way to how I feel about women is so hard.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right or wrong thing at all.

OP posts:
ShinyMe · 26/02/2022 21:48

@WonderfulYou

I know a few people who came out as gay in their 40/50s!! Obviously it was a bit bumpy at first but all of them had great lives and really supportive family and friends once they got over the initial shock. One of them ended up being best friends with her ex.

Is there a women on the scene?

The only thing I’m slightly concerned about is that you’ve only ‘just realised’.

Most people have some sort of feeling they could be gay or bi when they’re young but they may put it down to being a phase or something.
Are you sure you want a relationship with a women or are you just not sure what you want?

It's really really common to not realise until later in life. There are lots of large communities on Reddit and forums out there specifically for that. It's so ingrained to expect to be heterosexual that so many people just genuinely do not recognise feelings for what they were. One they have that realisation, which can be pretty sudden, a lot of things in their past suddenly make a lot more sense and can be read differently.

I started realising 2 years ago, something I saw in a play made me see a feeling I had for a "friend" as something else, and over the course of about a week I reassessed a lot of past experiences and thoughts and saw them differently. Then lockdown happened and there were more important things to think about, but I suppose I gradually came to terms with things internally before recently coming out to people around me. But if you'd asked me 2 or 3 years ago I would have absolutely insisted I was straight, and would have laughed at someone thinking I was gay. But now I think back, there were so many signs that I wasn't straight, I just totally ignored them all and didn't see them for what they were, because it never occurred to me as an option. From what I've read over the last few months I think that is really common, especially with women.

ShinyMe · 26/02/2022 21:53

@GayANDguilty

I had a few infatuations with women when I was younger but they never developed and I we happily married for 15 years. The guilt of leaving a husband I do completely love just in a very different way to how I feel about women is so hard. I don’t know if I’m doing the right or wrong thing at all.
I think if you stayed, and pretended it was all fine and that you didn't feel what you feel, it would end up eating you up and tearing you apart and you wouldn't be happy anyway, so it's got to be the right thing to do. Living a lie isn't going to help either of you. It's going to hurt though, unfortunately, which is why something like counselling is a good idea.
BeaAggressiv · 26/02/2022 21:56

I came out at 34. Divorced my husband, the only partner I ever had.

Had a few lesbian relationships.

Realised I loved my husband more than anything else. We are back together now and I really regret what I did.

Although at the time it was eating me up, the what ifs and the fantasy of being with a woman. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I was 100% sure at the time too.

I'm not discouraging you. Just letting you know my experience. Flowers

PenStation · 26/02/2022 22:13

It’s probably going to be fine and is a lot more common than you think. Flowers My male cousin is going through this at the moment.

One friend came out as a lesbian after marrying and having two children. She sounded much like you at the time, but it was definitely right for her to come out and everyone including her have gone on to have a great life.

Her Children are well adjusted and have families of their own. Ex husband remarried - they are still friends with my friend. And my friend - she’s had an incredible relationship with the love of her life for 19 years, She met her wife at a lesbian social group about a year after coming out. They married a year or so later. I went to their wedding. They have faced her wife’s illness together recently but have had a great 19 years otherwise and are still truly in love.

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 22:31

It must be so difficult and I feel sorry for your husband.

But we get one life and it’s way too short to not to be happy.

You don’t want to look back on your life and wish you had done something.

Even if for whatever reason things don’t work out as planned you’ll still be glad you tried.

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 26/02/2022 22:40

Beaaggresive, I’ve PMd you - I hope you don’t mind.

I just don’t know if I will ever feel truly happy looking at the destruction I’ve caused to my husband and children.
He would still try again in a heartbeat - he would even share me if that would mean I stayed with him but I know that’s not right for him and that’s why I’ve always had to say no even though at times I’ve really really wanted to say yes.
I do love him, I just don’t feel the same connection, the same intimacy feeling I do with women - but then I look at him with our kids and think what the fuck have I done

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 26/02/2022 22:48

I agree, it's common. I know of a lot of people who either came out later in life having not quite realised before/having not admitted it before, and I also know people who felt their sexuality changed over their lifetime.

I left my ex-husband when I was 30, and we didn't have children, but I certainly found it hard and I really relate to what you say. I missed my ex-husband so much, and in many ways he was a lovely man. I also felt very guilty that I was the one leaving. Our situation was quite complicated, but this is, I think, quite common: many lesbians I know who were married to men found they'd unconsciously gravitated to/attracted men who had other baggage around heterosexual/marital relationships.

I think my experience might be hopeful in a rather weird way! After I left my husband, I dated a bit and ended up with my current partner. We have had what is, on paper, a pretty hard relationship, and in quite a few respects it's absolutely in mumsnet LTB territory. It's definitely not the case that I left my husband and had a fairytale lesbian life, and everything was fine. But, even with all of that, I know so clearly it's right on a deep level. It's amazing to me how different it feels. And I do look back and feel less guilt. My ex-husband really didn't want me to leave and so many people told me I must be kidding myself or just looking for novelty. But I realise now that that relationship would never have been right.

I hope things start to feel better for you. You deserve a relationship that is right for you.

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 09:24

I don’t know what’s right for me anymore
I just really hope this counselling helps

OP posts:
balalake · 27/02/2022 09:30

I hope counselling works, you are by no means alone.

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 09:55

I just think normally when someone realises they are gay they no longer love their spouse.
The difference is that I absolutely do - I just can’t give him the wife he wants so it makes me feel incredibly low Daffodil

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 27/02/2022 10:02

Could you be bi? If you still love your DH, just in a different way to how you feel about women then maybe you just like both?

I hope counselling helps. I came out as bi in my 30s, still married but feel much more comfortable with my feelings.

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 10:14

The problem was that I realised because I met a woman.
So now I have them both involved in this mess.
I’m definitely sexually attracted to women more so than any man in the world including my H - but I do love him Sad

OP posts:
BeaAggressiv · 27/02/2022 10:57

@GayANDguilty

The problem was that I realised because I met a woman. So now I have them both involved in this mess. I’m definitely sexually attracted to women more so than any man in the world including my H - but I do love him Sad
Eurgh. This was the situation I was in. And I got totally swept up in lust and infatuation with her. She broke my heart and DH picked up the pieces after. He's a much better person than I am :(
Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 11:06

I’ve PMd you - I hope that’s ok Sad

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 11:09

I feel sorry for your DH.

Did you cheat with this woman you met?

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 11:48

No.
I told him as soon as I became confused by the feelings I was having.
He wanted to attempt an open relationship in order for us to stay together but I knew he couldn’t cope with it and it’s not actually what he wanted / wants so I left the marriage before anything happened

OP posts:
Minfilia · 27/02/2022 11:59

I haven’t personally but a couple of stories for you…

Friend 1 (female) married with two DC, came out at 32. Ended the marriage, met a lovely lady, now happily married and definitely looks the happiest I’ve seen her.

Friend 2 (male) also married with two DC. Came out in his mid 40s after 20 years of marriage. Sadly though his wife had a breakdown over it. He remarried a man and again seems happy with his life. One of his DC also came out after he did!

And my DS… came out at 14. Before that we had severe anxiety and panic attacks, almost manifesting as school avoidance to the point where school told us to keep him at home for a couple of weeks and remove any pressure. As soon as he came out (amongst tears and a lot of stress on his part), his anxiety went completely and he went back to being a normal lad. Happy with his friendship group of school (mixed LGBT and hetero). Two years on, he’s doing great.

Moral of the story… yes, it’ll be shit at first but it always works out in the end if you’re being who you should be.