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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be coping being gay this late in life?

62 replies

GayANDguilty · 26/02/2022 20:37

I’ve torn my family apart after realising I am gay in my 40s.
I feel dreadful and miss and love my husband very much - I just can’t give him what he want, his wife back without knowing I am gay.
I’ve signed up to counselling now as I’m running out of ideas how not to feel like this.
Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:

Original poster

GayANDguilty · 01/03/2022 16:15

It was not an emotional affair:
We were 2 straight friends and when she told me how she felt and I realised I felt the same we didn’t see each other for 6 months!
She in that time separated from her husband and I told mine about my feelings being confused but no more meeting at all happened until it was over between me and my husband.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 01/03/2022 16:30

We were both 'just friends' and decided we were more than that so dumped our partners to be together. Please say we did nothing wrong. Nothing new here.

Ilostit · 01/03/2022 16:37

I do wonder about myself. I had a huge crush on my PE teacher when I was in Year 7, I didn’t think at the time I’m gay. I’m not even sure I knew what it was to fancy someone of the opposite sex (and I fancied male teachers too) but with her it was so so deep the feeling I still remember it today. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just buried the feelings I could have for a woman. It’s painful to think about so I don’t.

Gowithme · 01/03/2022 16:57

Was it worth it OP? It doesn't sound like you're sure it was. Not sure where you go from there though, sounds like you want your husband in a woman's body.

Original poster

GayANDguilty · 01/03/2022 22:31

I’m not sure at all it was worth it / is worth it
There’s something in that last comment yes, his personality in a woman’s body I think would be my ultimate dream.
Sadly this isn’t possible.

OP posts:

coffeetofunction · 01/03/2022 22:38

I'm gay, I enjoy sleeping with women, fancy women but I'm married to a man. My husband knows my past, knows I fancy women but I love him and our relationship. If we ever split I'd be with a woman but I love him and that's more to me than just being intermediate. Often "straight" women have relationships with women and that's acceptable but gay women with a man is different???

ChiselandBits · 01/03/2022 23:05

If the other person wasn't a woman this would be a common or garden affair and you'd be getting your arse handed to you. I don't think you "realising" you're gay makes this any more of a sympathetic situation to any other affair. The same advice applies. Decide if you love and want your husband and family enough to put aside the feelings for the other person. Lots of people fall in love / lust when married but put on their big girl pants and realise what vows are for. If yes, stay and work it out if he will still have you. If no, do the decent thing and move out, work out contact, maintenance and the rest of it just like any other divorce.

whumpthereitis · 02/03/2022 16:32

What you did the textbook definition of an emotional affair, however much you may choose to deny it.

As I recall, it he first time you posted you were going to leave this woman so you could focus on your deeply distressed children. Then you were posting about going out to see her while your husband cooked you all dinner.

For all the talk of guilt, you’re still putting yourself first and foremost while the people you claim to love suffer. Either move out and let them begin to heal away from the awful environment they’re clearly living in, or leave her and focus on repairing your family and getting your children the mental health help they need. Right now you’re looking at long term damage to your relationship with your children if you carry on as you are. Do not let it become irreparable.

GlitteryGreen · 03/03/2022 15:59

At the end of the day, whatever happened or didn't, what's done is done and OP does not want to be with her husband anymore. She needs to find a way to move forward.

OP, you need to stop just circling round the same thing over and over. You feel bad, I understand, but that doesn't mean you have to live your life in misery now because of the guilt. What's happened has happened and you need to start thinking of a practical way to move out of the home you're still sharing. There will be a way - either through staying with friends or family, sorting out with your husband a way for you to rent somewhere small, or selling the family home and splitting the proceeds. There is no other way and you can't just stay stuck in stasis like this.

Cocha · 03/03/2022 16:08

I became infatuated with a woman. I fantasised about our life together. I considered ending my relationship with my DH of twenty years. Instead we had couples counselling. I still fancy women but I am happy in my relationship with DH and I see my sexuality as more fluid. I might never have sex with a woman but it's stopped eating away at me now.

Original poster

GayANDguilty · 05/03/2022 17:33

I do feel lost with it all

OP posts:

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 12:36

@GayANDguilty I feel for you OP, I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage. I just feel like you are building it up so much more in your head because of the gay element though. You are no different than anyone else who just isn't happy anymore, you are not an awful person.

I do think the most important thing for you is to find a way to live separately. I know you have some issues with that financially and with childcare but carrying on as you are not is not sustainable. You and your ex need to sort out a childcare pattern and you need to start to move forward.

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