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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be coping being gay this late in life?

62 replies

GayANDguilty · 26/02/2022 20:37

I’ve torn my family apart after realising I am gay in my 40s.
I feel dreadful and miss and love my husband very much - I just can’t give him what he want, his wife back without knowing I am gay.
I’ve signed up to counselling now as I’m running out of ideas how not to feel like this.
Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 27/02/2022 12:20

@GayANDguilty

I just think normally when someone realises they are gay they no longer love their spouse. The difference is that I absolutely do - I just can’t give him the wife he wants so it makes me feel incredibly low Daffodil
No, I think most people still love their spouses.
LimeSegment · 27/02/2022 12:57

I'm not sure if this helps but you being gay is a bit of a red herring here. The bottom line is you had a good relationship for 15 years, raised kids, then in your 40s it wasn't working out so you divorced. That's probably 50% of peoples experience. It's very common. It's sad but you both move on.

CuntyMcBollocks · 27/02/2022 13:03

I have known of a few people who were seemingly happily married, 2.4 children blah blah, to come out as gay in their 30's and 40's. Time heals. Things may seem bad now, but there's no point living a lie and everyone being unhappy. Things will get better.

Londondreams1 · 27/02/2022 13:41

I thought I was gay when I hit 38. I now know I’m definitely not. Strange. Not helpful.

it’s kind of your ex to have offered an open relationship.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 13:46

This has happened to people I know. Personally I think it's wrong when children are invooved.,

ShinyMe · 27/02/2022 14:01

@Viviennemary

This has happened to people I know. Personally I think it's wrong when children are invooved.,
By that logic then, nobody should ever end a relationship when there are children involved?
SarahAndQuack · 27/02/2022 14:07

@Viviennemary

This has happened to people I know. Personally I think it's wrong when children are invooved.,
You mean, once you're married you should never split up? Or you shouldn't expose children to non-hetero relationships?
QuirkyTurtle · 27/02/2022 14:09

OP, I have no advice because I have not been in your situation. I just came here to say best of luck to you, I hope everything works out.

If it's financially feasible, please look into therapy. Also, I'm sure you know this, but sexuality is very much a spectrum, and just because you are sexually attracted to women doesn't mean you are necessarily gay.

Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 14:10

It was kind but it was causing him so much anger and upset I knew it wouldn’t be fair on him so I couldn’t do that.
I just want my family back without this feeling that I’m gay and can’t give a man a fulfilling relationship.
I love the woman too - but it’s so hard.

OP posts:
BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 14:23

Are you in a relationship with the woman now?

monsterpup · 27/02/2022 14:48

@Viviennemary

This has happened to people I know. Personally I think it's wrong when children are invooved.,
What on earth do you mean by this?
Original poster
GayANDguilty · 27/02/2022 18:36

Yes I am.
But I still feel confused.

OP posts:
BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 19:35

Yes I am.

So you did basically leave your husband for someone else, even if it didn’t officially start til after you left him or you told him straight away.
You left because you had someone else lined up. I think that’s probably adding to the guilt and you’d feel better not being with this woman for a while at least. Have some time to yourself. Give you and your husband time to get used to being without each other, without someone else in the mix. Find a new normal between you.

I don’t think there’s a way to make the guilt feelings go away after doing something like this. It’s massive for you all. You just need to let things settle, but I think that will be easier without the other woman involved. Things will get easier, it’s just so new and raw for you all at the moment.

Elsiebear90 · 27/02/2022 19:42

I think it’s always going to be hard when you still love someone, and you can absolutely love someone you’re not sexually attracted to. But you both deserve to be with someone who is into you as much as you are them, what I would say is don’t pin all your hopes on your relationship with this woman, and end up back with your husband just because it doesn’t work out. If your relationship with your husband was right for you then you wouldn’t be in this situation. When I first realised I was gay and started dating women I had a very strong desire to go straight back into the closet, it was because it was so new and alien to me, whereas dating men was almost like a comfort and was all I had known even though deep down I knew it didn’t feel how it should. Give yourself time and don’t expect everything with this woman or any other woman to feel perfect straight away. It’s normal to have doubts and to be unsure when you’re embarking on a new journey.

BuyDirt · 27/02/2022 20:21

Just read my post back and realised the first part sounded really harsh which wasn’t my intention.

What I meant was, splitting from a partner is hard, when children are involved it’s even harder. Then you feel like you’ve got this ‘new’ sexuality to deal with. And on top of that you’re with someone new which requires an amount of effort. That’s a lot to deal with and I think would feel overwhelming for most of us.

BlackberryandNettle · 28/02/2022 09:53

Sending sympathies. I think it's really common for women to realise this later on in life, seems to be happening late 30s onwards in droves around here. I don't personally know anyone who's actually left but there's a lot of 'actually I'm bisexual'. It sounds like a huge decision to have left a husband you love and I hope things work out for you.

x2boys · 28/02/2022 10:24

If your relationship with your husband bis definitely over ,than it wouldn't be fair on either of you to try and carry on relationship,s are complex ,you can still love someone as a friend and not want to be with them
Maybe you need to be in your own for awhile and figure things out .

whumpthereitis · 28/02/2022 10:30

You’ve posted about this before, twice now, haven’t you OP?

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 10:30

OP I think you need to really focus on your counselling and lean on your friends, because you don't seem to be getting any further with this.

At some point, you have to let go of your guilt. Lots of people leave their marriages, it honestly is not the end of the world. Your husband needs to accept it and your children will get through it fine as long as they know you and their dad are there for them.

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 28/02/2022 10:36

OP I think you sound very confused. I wonder if it right for you to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. Maybe you need to take some time to be on your own and work through your feelings before committing to anyone else again, male or female. It doesn't sound like it would be fair to this woman either if you still love your husband.

I hope you can work all this out. You have done the right thing by your husband.

nuffinimlazyatthemoment · 28/02/2022 10:39

@whumpthereitis

You’ve posted about this before, twice now, haven’t you OP?
Yep, I recognise this poster. Did you leave or did you manage to kick your husband out, OP?
whumpthereitis · 28/02/2022 10:45

I thought so. Exactly the same situation.

You cheated on him, OP. You hoped he would move out and leave you the house but he won’t. You won’t leave because your children would choose to stay with their father. Your son is deeply troubled as a result of all this.

The same advice you were given before applies. You need to move out. You also need to prioritize your children over this other woman.

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 10:47

@whumpthereitis

I thought so. Exactly the same situation.

You cheated on him, OP. You hoped he would move out and leave you the house but he won’t. You won’t leave because your children would choose to stay with their father. Your son is deeply troubled as a result of all this.

The same advice you were given before applies. You need to move out. You also need to prioritize your children over this other woman.

I think OP has always said that she didn't cheat? There was no relationship until she had already separated from her husband.

However, I do agree the only way to move forward is to live separately, even if just staying with someone else for now. There has to be a way for OP to leave that house.

BuyDirt · 28/02/2022 10:53

You cheated on him, OP. You hoped he would move out and leave you the house but he won’t. You won’t leave because your children would choose to stay with their father. Your son is deeply troubled as a result of all this.

That puts a different light on this. No wonder she feels bad. Even if she didn’t cheat, she should move out and let the children be with their dad in their home if that’s what they want. She’ll have to work hard to rebuild relationships, best to concentrate on that rather than a new relationship. It sounds like she’s been selfish and guilt is part of that. But if she feels entitled to stay in the house and her poor husband leave, she wrongly sees herself as the victim in this situation. She’s not in any way a victim.

whumpthereitis · 28/02/2022 10:58

She had an emotional affair and carried on seeing this woman whilst developing feelings for her. To the point the other woman was professing love to her.