Hi all - bit of a long post but feel it’s needed for context so you can make an informed decision.
Me and DH started dating midway through 2018, after him and his ex split in October 2017. (We had been work colleagues since 2015 so I had quite a bit of context on his relationship). Him and his ex had been separated for a while but living together, with him sleeping on the sofa etc. Up until the point of DH and her splitting, neither of them had spoken to his side of the family in 2 years since his ex was upset as they never made the effort to come and see their grandkids - she felt they always had to make all the effort. I’m sure there was other stuff going on but I remember back then always telling him that he should try and make contact back with his family and not let his ex dictate that they weren’t to see them for what seemed like a bit of a disproportionate reason.
When they split, I encouraged DH to make contact with his parents again as he agreed for her to retain ownership of the family home solely (that they owned 50/50) - and all the contents etc. so the children were well housed. This meant he essentially made himself homeless at the time.. as he was still paying mortgage, bills and joint credit cards etc so ended up staying with his mum and dad temporarily.
Fast forward to just under a year later. We start dating and ex gets wind of it, at first we don’t know how as we are really private but it turned out his mum was in contact. Then the threats started coming in - like phone calls threatening violence against myself, or she would phone the police on DH accusing him of all sorts when he arrived to pick his kids up for the night etc. Obviously nothing happened as it was all baseless, but she did all sorts of crazy stuff - like found out where I worked and rang HR and told them lies about me etc. I couldn’t actually do anything about it because she called off an anonymous number and the police refused to trace it, I guess it’s not an important enough crime which I understand.. We are both teachers so this was less than ideal but luckily they could see it was all baseless and it was okay.
It took ages for us to figure out how she was getting her information but his mum later admitted that she was giving it all to her as she felt guilty about her being alone. Ex even refused to give DH his grandfather’s signet ring from the house when he asked for it, and told his parents he’d pawned it, which they believed.
Anyway, there’s tonnes of stories of stuff she did - but long story short his family chose to side with her as she gave an ultimatum that she would not let any of the family see the grandchildren if they continued to have anything to do with DH.
No contact has been had since 2018, except for me messaging his dad in 2020 to explain that DH had been admitted to hospital with sepsis and I would really like for them to go see him if possible. His dad just said there was too much water under the bridge.
The main question I want to ask is the following…. Our first child is due next week. 4 years after we started dating. We are both super excited but I can’t help but feel bad for denying my baby access to his grandparents. What would you do? They will definitely find out at some point on the grapevine. On the one hand, the extra stress that would bring into my life again really isn’t needed but - is it wrong to straight up not tell them?
Thanks for taking the time to read all this