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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - telling DH’s estranged parents about grandchild?

72 replies

spaghettihoops91 · 26/02/2022 19:51

Hi all - bit of a long post but feel it’s needed for context so you can make an informed decision.

Me and DH started dating midway through 2018, after him and his ex split in October 2017. (We had been work colleagues since 2015 so I had quite a bit of context on his relationship). Him and his ex had been separated for a while but living together, with him sleeping on the sofa etc. Up until the point of DH and her splitting, neither of them had spoken to his side of the family in 2 years since his ex was upset as they never made the effort to come and see their grandkids - she felt they always had to make all the effort. I’m sure there was other stuff going on but I remember back then always telling him that he should try and make contact back with his family and not let his ex dictate that they weren’t to see them for what seemed like a bit of a disproportionate reason.

When they split, I encouraged DH to make contact with his parents again as he agreed for her to retain ownership of the family home solely (that they owned 50/50) - and all the contents etc. so the children were well housed. This meant he essentially made himself homeless at the time.. as he was still paying mortgage, bills and joint credit cards etc so ended up staying with his mum and dad temporarily.

Fast forward to just under a year later. We start dating and ex gets wind of it, at first we don’t know how as we are really private but it turned out his mum was in contact. Then the threats started coming in - like phone calls threatening violence against myself, or she would phone the police on DH accusing him of all sorts when he arrived to pick his kids up for the night etc. Obviously nothing happened as it was all baseless, but she did all sorts of crazy stuff - like found out where I worked and rang HR and told them lies about me etc. I couldn’t actually do anything about it because she called off an anonymous number and the police refused to trace it, I guess it’s not an important enough crime which I understand.. We are both teachers so this was less than ideal but luckily they could see it was all baseless and it was okay.

It took ages for us to figure out how she was getting her information but his mum later admitted that she was giving it all to her as she felt guilty about her being alone. Ex even refused to give DH his grandfather’s signet ring from the house when he asked for it, and told his parents he’d pawned it, which they believed.

Anyway, there’s tonnes of stories of stuff she did - but long story short his family chose to side with her as she gave an ultimatum that she would not let any of the family see the grandchildren if they continued to have anything to do with DH.

No contact has been had since 2018, except for me messaging his dad in 2020 to explain that DH had been admitted to hospital with sepsis and I would really like for them to go see him if possible. His dad just said there was too much water under the bridge.

The main question I want to ask is the following…. Our first child is due next week. 4 years after we started dating. We are both super excited but I can’t help but feel bad for denying my baby access to his grandparents. What would you do? They will definitely find out at some point on the grapevine. On the one hand, the extra stress that would bring into my life again really isn’t needed but - is it wrong to straight up not tell them?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this

OP posts:
ThymePoultice · 26/02/2022 21:22

The question we’re supposed to be voting on isn’t all that clear @StepAwayFromGoogling

I would guess people are interpreting differently and that explains the vote split.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 21:26

It would be NC for me they sound like ferral scrotes…

Is your DH seeing his kids now? What is contact like?

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 26/02/2022 21:27

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Who the fuck is voting YABU?! Keep those toxic arseholes away from your grandchild. Given how they've treated their own son, that is only ever going to end badly. Ex-wife is a tosser too - who uses their children as blackmail like that to destroy a family?!
Oh I voted YABU because I thought OP was being unreasonable to even think about contacting them.
Ponoka7 · 26/02/2022 21:28

I agree that there's bits missing. Why would his parents fear contact being cut, surely your DH would facilitate it? How does the ex not know, hasn't your DH discussed it with his children? Is he having contact?

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/02/2022 21:30

I didn't vote as i wasn't clear what question was..

No i wouldn't contact..

Does your dh see his other children? They will tell them but no need for you too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2022 21:38

She’s suggesting telling them, that’s why people are voting YABU.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/02/2022 21:41

Eh? OP asks 'is it OK to straight up not tell them?'. Surely:
YABU - No, it's not OK, you need to tell them
YANBU - Yes, it's OK, keep them out of your DCs life

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 21:42

Why would you want these people near your child? FFS, stay out of it. This decision is solely your husband's.

Northernlurker · 26/02/2022 21:47

No way.

To much water under the bridge! When he could have died? They're inhuman.

Okaaaay · 26/02/2022 21:51

Don’t let them anywhere near your child. That kind of behaviour deserves no rewards.

labyrinthlaziness · 26/02/2022 21:54

You would be incredibly unreasonable to make this decision for your DH. Stay out of it, this is his situation to handle. You are not depriving your child of anything.

Backtomyoldname · 26/02/2022 22:00

I might offer an olive branch - whilst still remembering the sepsis business.

A call out of the blue and to meet one in a neutral place? Perhaps just you? Perhaps just 1 of them.

Depending on what happens then would then allow you both to decide on some contact, minimal or totally NC.

A positive, even if only slightly, meeting might make for ease in the future. They have been shitty before - and could be again. An hour invested could minimise the risk of that happening again? .

All the best

Backtomyoldname · 26/02/2022 22:02

I should add - holding out an olive branch…… not that you’ve done anything to apologise for.

Just that some people need to be poked, often hard, with such a branch.

GoogleWhacked · 26/02/2022 22:05

I think if they refused to see their son who had sepsis, they are not the type of people I'd want around my child.
My mother ended up in a coma due to sepsis, it's very serious.

Hollywolly1 · 26/02/2022 22:13

If they don't want anything to do with their own son when he was very ill WHY would you want your child to have a relationship with people like that

Needdoughnuts · 26/02/2022 22:23

Agree with pp. When dh has the children then the grandparents can see them then. Why did they allow themselves to be blackmailed by a horrible person who appears to have given them an ultimatum - grandchildren or child.

Orphlids · 26/02/2022 22:28

Someone who thinks they can bypass their own child to access their grandchildren is a dangerous beast. Please don’t make contact with them. I am estranged from my father. He hates me, but wants to have contact with my children. We have been through an indescribably stressful and expensive time making sure he doesn’t get the contact to which he thinks he should be entitled. Don’t invite a similar nightmare into your own life.

PatchworkElmer · 26/02/2022 22:40

Re-engaging in a high stress situation at a high stress time is highly unlikely to work. Everyone’s emotional, the baby raises the stakes further.

This is your husband’s decision to make. Sounds like any relationship wouldn’t be because they want to see him anyway, because they didn’t see him when he was unwell with sepsis. The child should be a bonus to their relationship with him, and you can’t have one without the other. They’ve made it very clear they’re not interested in him.

It seems highly unlikely that your baby is missing out on fairytale grandparents here anyway. Maybe have a real think about what they’ll most likely be like… I bet it’ll dampen the appeal. Don’t let your own lack of grandparents affect your opinions on this.

GrowBabyGrow · 26/02/2022 22:44

OP, I grew up with toxic, emotionally abusive grandparents and have spent years healing from the trauma. I WISH my parents had taken the decision to cut them out of their lives before I was born instead of when I was a teenager. They feel the same with hindsight. As others have said, it isn't the case of 'denying' your child a relationship with their grandparents. It's protecting them from a significant amount of hurt and trauma. Unfortunately grandparents are not always a positive influence in a child's life, just because they share blood doesn't mean they are good people to have around your child.

CushionSpiral · 26/02/2022 22:44

Do not contact them.
Your child will not miss out not having these grandparents in their lives, but they will be harmed having a relationship with them.

Someone who doesn’t want to make amends when their child might die in hospital ie beyond repairing the relationship sorry.

tara66 · 26/02/2022 23:18

Let sleeping dogs lie - unless you're a glutton for punishment.

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2022 23:21

So they chose the gc over their own son? Blimey! I think given that history, I wouldn’t want contact with them.

tara66 · 26/02/2022 23:21

Yes the question is not clear at all.

DorsVenabili · 26/02/2022 23:25

I'm confused- is DH seeing his own children? why don't his parents see the children when they are with him?
Or does he not see his own children?

Abouttimemum · 26/02/2022 23:30

Does Dh not see his kids? I’m no legal expert but I’m pretty sure his ex can’t stop your DH from taking his kids to see them so that threat is baseless, and his parents are ridiculous to listen to her. His ex sounds rancid.

Anyway it’s not your responsibility. My DS doesn’t see his grandparents on DH side and that’s his choice, and it’s what is best for our child as well.