Page 3 | WWYD - telling DH’s estranged parents about grandchild?

Murdoch1949 · 26/02/2022 23:31

They wouldn't visit their son when he was potentially dying from sepsis, so a further grandchild will mean nothing to them. They sound vile, leaking information to the ex wife, some parents truly are despicable.

BurntO · 26/02/2022 23:36

I’m confused… your oh says he’ll do whatever you want? But you don’t know them or have ever met them? That’s really odd. I’d tell him I’d support his decision but it’s HIS decision and offer no further influence. He needs to get his shit together, why is he putting that on you?

figuringoutmylife · 27/02/2022 01:22

I think the fact they wouldn't come see their son when he was in hospital with a potentially fatal illness, says all you need to know about them, sadly. It's a loss for them. Wishing your little family the best

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/02/2022 01:24

I wouldn’t tell the old bat anything. It’s obvious where her loyalties lie

CircleofWillis · 27/02/2022 02:01

Surely they must know by now. If you are due next week the older children must have noticed you are about to have a baby and told his parents.

If he is not seeing his children, that suggests they might be other reasons why his parents have cut him off.

Ivyonafence · 27/02/2022 02:07

What you're feeling is probably just sadness that a good relationship isn't possible.

They sound toxic. You owe them nothing. They also sound like they don't want contact, given they wouldn't see your DH in hospital.

Grieve the relationship that never was.

Ivyonafence · 27/02/2022 02:16

Also doesn't your DH see his own children?

Any concerns about the kind of father he is?

I think your attention would be better spent elsewhere.

liveforsummer · 27/02/2022 07:45

I'm also curious why they cut their son out for fear of not seeing the kids when dh would have been able to facilitate that - is there a bit of the story missing?

Moobootoyoutoo · 27/02/2022 07:53

You have a lot of knowledge from the three years you were colleagues and his marriage brokedown.

Then not much of a gap between separating and your relationship starting

Any chance there is a bit more.of the backstory that might be relevant?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 27/02/2022 08:03

So he fell out with them because of his ex.

Then got back with them because of you, but somehow his ex had also created a relationship at this time- despite being the reason for nc.

Then they fell out again to maintain contact - which must have been happening through the ex and not their son.

He went nc again but now could go back in contact- if it's what you want.

Is he responsible for any decisions in his life? It seems to be just happening to him

Gensola · 27/02/2022 08:15

My DH’s mother was a bit like this when he split up with his ex, her first comment when he told her was “will I still get to see the children” (his kids were all actually adults at this stage - 20/23/25) and then the whole way through the divorce she never really asked him if he was ok just kept going on and on about how she didn’t want to lose his kids. No backstory there, just some people are batshit! Since I have known her (post all that stuff) I have noticed she’s obsessed with DH’s kids and has photos of them all over etc and never talks about or bothers with her other grandchildren from DH’s sister. Again, people are weird!

Newmumatlast · 27/02/2022 08:25

@spaghettihoops91

Hi all - bit of a long post but feel it’s needed for context so you can make an informed decision.

Me and DH started dating midway through 2018, after him and his ex split in October 2017. (We had been work colleagues since 2015 so I had quite a bit of context on his relationship). Him and his ex had been separated for a while but living together, with him sleeping on the sofa etc. Up until the point of DH and her splitting, neither of them had spoken to his side of the family in 2 years since his ex was upset as they never made the effort to come and see their grandkids - she felt they always had to make all the effort. I’m sure there was other stuff going on but I remember back then always telling him that he should try and make contact back with his family and not let his ex dictate that they weren’t to see them for what seemed like a bit of a disproportionate reason.

When they split, I encouraged DH to make contact with his parents again as he agreed for her to retain ownership of the family home solely (that they owned 50/50) - and all the contents etc. so the children were well housed. This meant he essentially made himself homeless at the time.. as he was still paying mortgage, bills and joint credit cards etc so ended up staying with his mum and dad temporarily.

Fast forward to just under a year later. We start dating and ex gets wind of it, at first we don’t know how as we are really private but it turned out his mum was in contact. Then the threats started coming in - like phone calls threatening violence against myself, or she would phone the police on DH accusing him of all sorts when he arrived to pick his kids up for the night etc. Obviously nothing happened as it was all baseless, but she did all sorts of crazy stuff - like found out where I worked and rang HR and told them lies about me etc. I couldn’t actually do anything about it because she called off an anonymous number and the police refused to trace it, I guess it’s not an important enough crime which I understand.. We are both teachers so this was less than ideal but luckily they could see it was all baseless and it was okay.

It took ages for us to figure out how she was getting her information but his mum later admitted that she was giving it all to her as she felt guilty about her being alone. Ex even refused to give DH his grandfather’s signet ring from the house when he asked for it, and told his parents he’d pawned it, which they believed.

Anyway, there’s tonnes of stories of stuff she did - but long story short his family chose to side with her as she gave an ultimatum that she would not let any of the family see the grandchildren if they continued to have anything to do with DH.

No contact has been had since 2018, except for me messaging his dad in 2020 to explain that DH had been admitted to hospital with sepsis and I would really like for them to go see him if possible. His dad just said there was too much water under the bridge.

The main question I want to ask is the following…. Our first child is due next week. 4 years after we started dating. We are both super excited but I can’t help but feel bad for denying my baby access to his grandparents. What would you do? They will definitely find out at some point on the grapevine. On the one hand, the extra stress that would bring into my life again really isn’t needed but - is it wrong to straight up not tell them?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this

Yabu to tell them. They have been awful to your DH. They won't see him and wouldnt even visit when he was very ill. For that alone they dont deserve to be involved with his life now and yabu if you let them be involved with his child. But also why would you even want them to be? Why would you wilfully put your child around people like that, who are like that to the child's own father? How is that acting in the child's best interests? I also think you need to think about how DH would really feel. He may say he will do what you decide but he has had experience previously with a partner who his parents sided with despite her awful behaviour. Now he has another partner who despite how he has been treated wants to forge some sort of relationship for his child. And so he may be thinking if you split the same would happen or even that they may cause issues in his relationship.

If you care about your DH (and to be fair your child) you wont. And I say this as someone who also has a DH estranged from his parents who hasn't contacted them about their grandchildren because to be frank I adore my DH and if they can treat him as they have why the hell would I want them near my children? They don't deserve it and my children will gain little from it (despite my fairytale brain pining for in laws and more grandparents for my kids - I cant make these people what they are not)

TabithaHazel · 27/02/2022 08:33

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Who the fuck is voting YABU?! Keep those toxic arseholes away from your grandchild. Given how they've treated their own son, that is only ever going to end badly. Ex-wife is a tosser too - who uses their children as blackmail like that to destroy a family?!

I voted YABU as I think the OP is being very unreasonable to even consider having these people in her and her unborn child’s life.

OP I didn’t grow up with grandparents - they were either dead or lived halfway across the world and I don’t think this has negatively affected me. You child won’t know any different but they will be affected if you let these toxic people into their life.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:39

YABU to have encouraged the man you were dating - now DH - to re establish contact with his parents. His family, his business! Ditto now.

Reading between the lines the far bigger issue is whether your H parents his existing DC. Presumably he is going to inform his ex he’ll be having another.

FelicityPike · 27/02/2022 08:47

The “grandparents” will already know if they’re having contact with their existing grandchildren. Assuming your husband isn’t a deadbeat arsehole and has contact with his children.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/02/2022 08:59

@M0rT

Their son was in hospital with sepsis, a possibly fatal illness and they chose not to visit. Keep that in the forefront of your mind when your swayed by the notion of letting them into your child's life.

I think this tells you everything you need to know about them. Your child doesn't need people that treat their Dad that way in their life.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/02/2022 09:02

The options are a bit confusing. I voted YABU because it's up to your DH and he obviously doesn't want them in his life, plus why would you want the people that didn't visit him when he was really sick, in his life. My Dad's parents sided with my abusive mum when they split up. I wish my Dad had gone NC with his parents, we would have all been better off if he had.

Piffle11 · 27/02/2022 09:05

This makes no sense to me. You say your DH and his ex were estranged from his parents because they showed no interest in their DGC, and yet now they are taking her side because she’s threatened that they can’t have access to the DC that apparently they didn’t see in the first place. Is that right? And as others have asked: does your DH see his children? If they are as deadbeat DPs/DGPs as you say, then they will bring nothing to your child’s life. Stop having a romanticised version of perfect DGPs: they certainly aren’t it.

RedRobin100 · 27/02/2022 09:11

Firstly, it’s up to your husband to decide whether he wants to reignite contact - new baby or not - it’s not fair for you to make that decision for him.

My husband is NC with his dad, who has never met our son. He has tried to reach out to his dad but was knocked back again - it would not be my place to get involved int that.

Secondly, it sounds like his parents have behaved pretty horribly - why would you want to inflict that on yourselves and your baby?

There is no relationship or trust here so it doesn’t sound like you’d be denying your child very much at all..

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/02/2022 09:54

It’s not your news to give. However his parents made their choice. Imagine being so cold not to want to see your son in hospital with sepsis. It is so serious and he could of died-but no there is ‘too much water under the bridge’. The older children will tell them.

bellabasset · 27/02/2022 10:31

I'm assuming that your dh isn't able to see his dcs due to his ex's attitude. The fact that his parents weren't concerned about your dh's illness indicates they've no interest in him or his new family. You have supportive family on your side so I think just enjoy your baby and being a family

lisaandalan · 27/02/2022 23:09

I'd stay away, they sound like a family who love drama. I couldn't be bothered with it.
Also they chose to believe ex daughter in law over their own son that would be 100% it for me.
I would not want them in my life more trouble than they're worth. X