Sorry, this is long but where possible I don’t want to drip feed. Have NC for this.
My brother has been married for over 10 years and has two young DC. His wife, my SIL has always been the more dominant one in their relationship.
Over this past couple of years, I (as well as my parents and siblings) have been getting increasingly concerned over how my brother is being treated by SIL. She is openly critical of him in front of us, calls him a wanker, useless, an arsehole etc for the smallest transgression - eg. forgetting to do some chore she’s asked him to do. She has also in the past called him a c**t in front of their children.
My brother does all the school runs, makes all the family meals, takes his two DC out at the weekend “to give mum some peace”, but this is never reciprocated. He also does all the homeworks, bathtimes, bedtimes and takes the kids to their activities and appointments. He is a great dad to his DC and even SIL begrudgingly admitted this to me once, but in such a way that implied she thought he was shit at everything else.
SIL is by far the main breadwinner in their house, in a very well-paid professional role. My brother’s job pays significantly less. My SIL will insist on multiple family holidays abroad every year and that half the cost of these must be met by my brother, though he can barely afford this as it also “his responsibility” to meet certain household bills such as fuel. I also learned recently that she won’t tell him how much she earns.
Meanwhile, my brother says he feels guilty for buying so much as a cup of coffee and can’t afford new clothes. He dreads his (second hand) car breaking down as he can’t afford to fix it, but SIL recently treated herself to a brand new car.
She also appears to resent him spending time with our parents or our other siblings, and often after he visits my mum and dad she will start a massive row with him when he returns home, then not speak to him for days, so he feels he has to ‘make it up’ to her eg. by cleaning all of the house or taking the kids out of her way.
The worst thing to witness though is the change in my brother’s personality over the past few years. He seems constantly stressed out, on edge, and just generally unhappy; he has developed a nervous tremor in his hands. He is not allowed to go out with the one or two friends he has, or spend any time on hobbies he’s had for years, saying “[SIL] doesn’t like it.” He says he “doesn’t dare ask her” if he can do any of these things in case of a negative reaction such as her not speaking to him for days. He actually seems frightened of her, tbh.
When anyone in our family tells him we’re worried about him, my brother will just blame himself for never doing/saying the right thing. He seems to constantly be walking on eggshells.
My brother is a sensitive, romantic sort who has always wanted to settle down and have a family, but it doesn’t seem like his wife even loves or values him. He is treated like a skivvy and a free babysitter; I find it awful to witness. My family and I fear he will have some sort of breakdown, or worse.
AIBU to think this is an emotionally abusive relationship and if so, how can I /our family help him?