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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners contributions

57 replies

aliceh90 · 26/02/2022 14:51

Hi, I’m in a bit of an awkward position. I hate talking about money, try and avoid it wherever possible but I’m really struggling. I have 4 children, my youngest is with my current partner. We all live together in our family home. I’m currently not working as I’m at home looking after my 20month old, but my partner works full time. He contributes towards our household but I’m minus £250 each month after all rent, bills, dinner money, council tax etc are paid. My other Childrens dad pays a bit of maintenance. And I get child tax credits.

My question is, should my current partner pay half of all our rent, council tax and bills etc. Or do I deduct the maintenance I get and then half what’s left for him to pay towards. We’ve been together 7 years and getting married this year, we’ve been living together for 5 years.

My problem is, I feel as I’ve had no choice to stay at home and look after our little one yet I’m the one in financial difficulty. He has about £600 per month leftover after he’s paid his bills etc. I tried discussing this with him the other day and have been so upset and told him I’m worried about money, he won’t tell me where the rest of his money goes and said I should trust him.

I know this is a bit of a waffle but hopefully someone will understand what I mean. Thanks

OP posts:

Duracellbunnywannabe · 26/02/2022 14:56

If he knows your financial situation then he isn’t a good man. I can’t imagine a situation where DH would be happy in knowledge I was financially struggling.

Akire · 26/02/2022 14:57

If you are not working then I presume you are living on benefits and paying for rent and everything bar his contribution? So claiming as a single person? If you are getting married he’s going have to do far more than trust me with regardless to where his wage packet is going. Benefits will take into account whole household income so doubt he have a choice to pay half the rent or not he be paying for most of everything.

If when you go back to work you can sort it out but there needs be a balance between what he saves from running his own home and what you lose from living with another adult.

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 15:00

Let him stay at home while you work

Arabellla · 26/02/2022 15:00

He needs to pay half the rent, bills, council tax and food, yes.

It’s worrying that he isn’t, he needs to understand you are home looking after his child.

Things like clothes for your 3 kids, presents etc he doesn’t need to pay for.

Speak to him ASAP, OP, this can’t go on.

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 15:01

How much more is the rent due to your other 3 kids? You should pay for that really. Once you're married I'd expect finances to be more shared.

Arabellla · 26/02/2022 15:03

@Arabellla

He needs to pay half the rent, bills, council tax and food, yes.

It’s worrying that he isn’t, he needs to understand you are home looking after his child.

Things like clothes for your 3 kids, presents etc he doesn’t need to pay for.

Speak to him ASAP, OP, this can’t go on.

That’s irrelevant as she can’t earn money if they’ve decided OP is SAHM.

He needs to pay more than half really.

What are the finances like OP, can you break them down?

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 26/02/2022 15:03

So he has £600 disposable income every month while you are getting further in to debt? I'm presuming you are getting into debt as -250 each month doesn't leave any other option.

Please think long and hard about marrying this man.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/02/2022 15:06

How much maintenance do you get for the 3 children who aren't his? Their Dad (Dads? Not clear) should be contributing. Do you get child maintenance too?

If so, then Ideally you should deduct all this from final bills and split the rest 50/50. Why should he supplement your previous children?

AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2022 15:06

Why do you have to stay at home with your youngest child? Please don't give up your financial independence when you're not married to this man and he clearly doesn't see himself as having much responsibility.

If you are going to SAH regardless, then you need to merge your finances as a family and he needs to step up.

Escargooooooo · 26/02/2022 15:08

Sorry, should he pay half? As in he's not even covering half now? As the sole earner? And this is because you are looking after his/your child?

When you query where the £600 excess he's got for himself is going, he won't give you a straight answer? "Trust me" my arse.

Is the house yours? As in is he gaining anything financially from marrying you?

Do not marry this man.

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 15:09

How much would you earn if you went back to work?

blubberyboo · 26/02/2022 15:10

He’s living there of course he should be paying enough to balance the books and leave you both with money to spare.

If not you’ll have to go bac

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 15:12

If you have a baby with someone like this, I would absolutely not be at home. Go back to work and split the childcare between you.

Tsuni · 26/02/2022 15:12

Reconsider this marriage, op. He's selfish.

Who owns the house?

Babyroobs · 26/02/2022 15:13

How old are the older kids? Could you work some evenings/ weekends around his work to boost family income ? Do the other kids spend time at their dads and you could work some casual shifts then?

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2022 15:14

Surely this was a conversation you needed to have before he moved in with you and your existing children.

You and your three children come as a package. He needs to be aware of the full commitment required to be part of that package.

Chocomelon · 26/02/2022 15:16

How big is your house? I actually think it s fair to require him to find half of rent and bills. How old are your other children? When do you plan to go back to work?

Wanting him to pay half of the rent (+ everything else?) and for you to pay less than half with maintenance I don't think is fair as he is actually paying more than you and the maintenance should help with costs of your three children.

There must be a fair way to work it out but I think he should be paying less than half

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 15:16

How did you afford it when it was just the 3 kids? Because it's just half the cost of the 4th kid you need to pay in addition to that. And then he needs to pay himself and half your shared child (or all of it if you're SAHM and enabling him to work).

Chocomelon · 26/02/2022 15:24

If you are only not working as you've both agreed it's best for you to stay at home and look after the child then he should be contributing enough

But agree with PP it's odd you didn't discuss this before he moved in

Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 15:30

I'm confused by who's paying what and how much but if he's living with you as your partner and you can't work then it kinda falls on him and whatever maintenance you get ?

Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 15:31

Do you get uc too?

StarsAndSugarlumps · 26/02/2022 15:36

If it weren’t for the fact you are at home looking after his child, I would say it would be fair to split all costs that are not directly relating to your 3 older kids, and get him to pay half, then use your maintenance, benefits etc to cover your half.

However, the reason you are not earning is because it was presumably a joint decision for you to stay home. In which case it’s only fair that his income is shared more equitably.

Creeping5Vin · 26/02/2022 15:41

£250 debt per month is not sustainable !

He should be paying
Half council tax
Half household bills
Some extra, towards the cost of your joint child

Get a part time job or one around your children

end relationship & claim child maintenance

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2022 15:45

Does he support you not working at the moment? Is that a long term plan?

How much maintenance do you get?

You can’t get married without financial transparency, that’s mad.

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/02/2022 16:13

Five years? And you can't talk finances without him being defensive?

I wouldn't marry him until that attitude had been fully explored, and stopped!

You are going to have to 'make a scene' aka have a proper sit down and don't get up until you have finished the conversation chat

Good luck

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