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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners contributions

57 replies

aliceh90 · 26/02/2022 14:51

Hi, I’m in a bit of an awkward position. I hate talking about money, try and avoid it wherever possible but I’m really struggling. I have 4 children, my youngest is with my current partner. We all live together in our family home. I’m currently not working as I’m at home looking after my 20month old, but my partner works full time. He contributes towards our household but I’m minus £250 each month after all rent, bills, dinner money, council tax etc are paid. My other Childrens dad pays a bit of maintenance. And I get child tax credits.

My question is, should my current partner pay half of all our rent, council tax and bills etc. Or do I deduct the maintenance I get and then half what’s left for him to pay towards. We’ve been together 7 years and getting married this year, we’ve been living together for 5 years.

My problem is, I feel as I’ve had no choice to stay at home and look after our little one yet I’m the one in financial difficulty. He has about £600 per month leftover after he’s paid his bills etc. I tried discussing this with him the other day and have been so upset and told him I’m worried about money, he won’t tell me where the rest of his money goes and said I should trust him.

I know this is a bit of a waffle but hopefully someone will understand what I mean. Thanks

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 26/02/2022 16:18

Facepalm.

You’re talking about marriage when you can’t talk about money?

How are you possibly getting by each month when you’re £250 short? Are you going deeper every month into a credit card?

Who is payment the rent when you’re not earning? TC & CMS? And presumably a tidy sum in CB.

This isn’t very clear at all, but two things are clear: you need to act like an adult and he’s an arsehole.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 16:19

He's selfish and you can't even have an adult conversation about money with him. You would be mad to marry him. It will end up a disaster.

istandwithukraine · 26/02/2022 16:25

Who decided you would be a STAHM?
Especially when you have 3 children by another father? Your current partner is effectively working full time to support children that aren't his though?

Stompythedinosaur · 26/02/2022 16:26

Yes, of course your partner and the father of your dc should pay half the costs in your house.

But you need to go back to work tbh, it doesn't sound like you can afford to be a family with a stay at home parent. It's a luxury lots of people can't afford (we couldn't).

Suprima · 26/02/2022 16:28

You have birthed a child for someone who doesn’t pay his way?

He should be paying more than half.

What an unkind, miserly ‘partner’

And people are so quick to call women golddiggers

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2022 16:35

It's difficult to know without the numbers.

Being a sahm is a massive luxury though for a 20 month old child (plus 3 others school age?)

If your numbers don't add up, you may need to go back to work?

istandwithukraine · 26/02/2022 16:37

You have birthed a child for someone who doesn’t pay his way?

She also birthed 3 others with a different man who her current bloke is working to pay for 🙄

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2022 16:38

Yabu to marry someone you can’t talk about money to

Hb12 · 26/02/2022 16:40

How did it work pre this child?

SandyY2K · 26/02/2022 16:47

So was your financial situation better before you met him and had a baby together?

It seems like there was no planning on what things would look like when you stopped working to become a SAHM.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 26/02/2022 16:49

@istandwithukraine

You have birthed a child for someone who doesn’t pay his way?

She also birthed 3 others with a different man who her current bloke is working to pay for 🙄

That's unfair. OP is getting maintenance for her 3 children.

amylou8 · 26/02/2022 16:52

The UC credit will take his full income into account when calculating your award... assuming you have a joint claim, which you should if you're living together. This means that he is expected to pay 100% of his wages into the family pot, and that amount plus what they pay you is what you should be able to live on. I'm not surprised you're having to run up debt if he's keeping £600 a month as pocket money for himself. The maintenance you get for the older kids doesn't count as income for the UC, so maybe deducting this from his contribution could be the compromise, but really he's being a selfish twat.

Rewis · 26/02/2022 16:58

I'm a bit confused. Let's say your essentials (rent and utilities etc.) Comes to £1000. And you get maintenance £300. So you're asking if the £1000 should be split 50/50 or if the £700 should be split 50/50?

Suprima · 26/02/2022 17:04

@istandwithukraine

You have birthed a child for someone who doesn’t pay his way?

She also birthed 3 others with a different man who her current bloke is working to pay for 🙄

Where does it say that? He’s not paying for her children at all. She gets maintenance for them. He’s not even paying half the bills.

Really18 · 26/02/2022 17:08

He should not have +600 while you have - £250 every month. You should pay all the bill and then split whats left over. I wouldn't be with someone who would see me struggling while they have £600 in the bank.

girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:09

You and your partner need to pay for your household bills. If the bills are short £250 you need to find a solution to that between you.

Either you go to work or he pays more.

Faaather · 26/02/2022 17:11

I don’t understand why you’re not working.

Surely this is showing you that you can’t rely on a man financially and need to be able to support yourself?

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 17:12

That's unfair. OP is getting maintenance for her 3 children. maintenance is not the full amount it takes to raise a child. She is supposed to be providing the other half

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 17:13

@Suprima

You have birthed a child for someone who doesn’t pay his way?

He should be paying more than half.

What an unkind, miserly ‘partner’

And people are so quick to call women golddiggers

He doesnt have to pay a penny for the 3 children that aren't his. If OP insists he covers everything for all of them bar the maintenance then I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves.

girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:15

@KindlyKanga no he doesn't have to pay a penny for children that aren't his - if he's facilitating her ability to work, but he's preventing her working so he has to fill the shortfall.

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 17:18

[quote girlmom21]@KindlyKanga no he doesn't have to pay a penny for children that aren't his - if he's facilitating her ability to work, but he's preventing her working so he has to fill the shortfall.
[/quote]
Tbh I think OP needs to go back to work and provide for her kids it's not really on to expect someone to fund the other half of the 3 kids expenses just because she is saving spending on childcare for the shared one.

amnm · 26/02/2022 17:18

Ultimately 3 of the children aren't his, so it's not up to him to be expected to subsidise them. In practice the size of the home you need for 3 children is a factor in the rent, bills and council tax, so this should be considered when thinking about what's fair for him to pay.

What would your situation be if you'd never met him? Would the contributions from the other children's fathers and your own situation be enough to subsidise rent etc. for you and the three children? If not, you need to start with looking at sorting that, either by the other fathers upping their maintenance or you getting a job, rather than expecting him to pay.

I would agree that he needs to be open about where his money is going if you're to get married, but that's just showing you where it's going, not giving it to you.

Hapoydayz · 26/02/2022 17:19

There seems to be an abundance of these men around who always move into the woman's home and then don't pay their way. If he moved out he would have to pay full rent somewhere. Is your home a council house so the rent is less than the private market so he may benefit from that too. He can't care for you that much if he is happy to watch you struggle financially. You really should not marry this man.

girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:19

@KindlyKanga I completely agree! I never understand the "I stay at home because I can't afford to work" argument tbh, especially when she's expecting someone who's not the children father to bridge the gap

KindlyKanga · 26/02/2022 17:21

[quote girlmom21]@KindlyKanga I completely agree! I never understand the "I stay at home because I can't afford to work" argument tbh, especially when she's expecting someone who's not the children father to bridge the gap [/quote]
It's a very entitled attitude

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