AIBU to feel 'Ouch'?

[winsomewoman]

We had dinner last night with a couple of friends we hadn't seen for a long time and we were talking about all the things we'd been through over the years we've know each other.

When DP and I got together I arrived with a fairly clean slate. I'd already been through some of the more complicated things in life: my parents had both died young, I'd looked after my mum through the last year of her cancer and I'd ended up losing my home when my long-term relationship came to an end. So I was starting out fresh and unencumbered when DP and I met.

DP had been separated for a year and was about to start self-building a new home. We had a lovely first few months before the shit hit the fan and all the stress of a self-build, plus DP's acrimonious divorce, hit. We weathered that, with me providing support.

Then DP started a business and invited an old friend to be a partner. It took off quickly and they made serious money — at which point the old friend tried to take the whole business for himself and dump DP. The legal wrangling and civil court proceedings went on for four excruciating years, with the threat of bankruptcy hanging over DP. DP won, but it cost £150k, broke the business and left us both depressed and worn down.

Then DP's parents, in their late 70s, began to ail. Almost every time we had a holiday due, DP's dad would have a heart attack or a TIA: he had nine in all! DP's mum started to develop dementia. DP's family are in Scotland and DP was up and down most months for years. Until the mother died nearly three years ago barely a week went by without some new complication or emergency. This went on for more than seven years. We spent Christmas apart year after year. We'd organise Christmas with my family or friends, then there'd be an emergency with the in-laws and I'd be celebrating with the dog.

Throughout this my own life has been quite calm. I've been really fortunate to able to earn a decent living without much drama and we've had some lovely times when things have worked out well. I'm glad DP had such close, loving relationships with PiL and MiL. Although some of the things that happened to us as a result of OH's business and family have been a burden I don't feel resentful. I wish things had been easier, of course.

Anyway, last night we were having dinner with old friends who've known us for nearly 20 years and we all talked about some of the things we'd been through and one of them said, just fleetingly, to DP that it was lucky I'd been on the scene to offer support during the difficult times. On the way home in the car DP gave me a little speech about me not being the only one to have to put up with a lot. I was then told that I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with. Apparently many's the time DP has felt like leaving me. I asked for examples of why I'm so difficult to live with. The main complaint seems to be that I'm no fun.

Is it really much of a surprise that I'm not much fun (which I don't thin is true) when I've had years of worry about the business situation, all the hundreds of unpaid hours acting as builder's mate on the self-build, the Christmases spent alone because at the last minute PiL or MiL needed DP's presence, the holidays cancelled, all the sleepless nights?

All the times I've gritted my teeth and just got on with whatever's needed to get us through. I don't complain, I don't criticise. And now here we are. AIBU to feel really hurt? Anyone else out there with a partner for whom nothing ever seems to be easy?

The sex makes a difference to ME.

I expect more from women and I certainly do when it comes to appreciating someone being supportive.

I think she took aim with absolutely the intention of putting you in your place whilst causing maximum hurt.

I would be genuinely appalled.

How are your finances?
Are they entwined?

If your retirement is sorted financially I would be looking long and hard at my plans.

I sure as hell wouldn't be makes plans to stay with someone who thought of leaving but stayed because of the endless support they received from me.

Your partner has the makings of a Class A bitch and I would certainly be telling her too.

I would also suggest your friends see you both very clearly.

Your deserve better.

Thanks to all those expressing support. It's very kind of you.

@SiliconDioxide79, it's good to hear of other people who've gone through similar things. Probably not at all unusual. I guess the unusual aspect is that all the complications have come via one partner, which unbalances things. I know what you mean about thinking that actually we must have something going for us to come this far. That's how I've always seen it. We got through the house-building years, we got through the bankruptcy hanging over us years, so we must be strong. But my DP doesn't seem to see it as 'us' coming through, I suspect. I suspect she thinks she'd been through it and I've just been a bystander.

I think in most relationships it's perfectly normal for both parties to have moments when they've had enough and feel they want an out. I know I've felt that way and I'd be very surprised if she hasn't.

I'm not as much fun as I used to be, I'm sure. Much of the joie de vivre has been knocked out of me by events. Brexit, Trump, Putin — all have brought me to the brink of despair. My mum was a teenager in London during the Blitz, so I've channelled her stiff-upper-lip during Covid and found ways to look on the bright side. I find people less and less interesting as I get older, and books and ideas and arty things more so. My DP has gone the other way — more sociable, more interested in having a laugh, wanting to spend a lot of time just hanging out with others. Perhaps the time is right to separate. In which case I'll have to work hard on not being bitter about all the support I've put in for nothing.

Someone asked about finances. We're both fully financially independent. Together we could have had a very comfortable retirement and we've been working towards that. Going it alone I won't have quite as many holidays as planned, but will still not have to worry much about money.

@ClemDanFango

He’s an ungrateful, selfish arse and I’d be telling him so!

This.

Maybe you’re no fun because supporting her and her stresses has sucked it all out of you?

Are you planning to address this with her today?

@TravellingFrom. Pretty much! Nasty.

She does sound ungrateful. It's no wonder you've had less capacity for fun with everything that has happened.

My DH relies on me A LOT due to anxiety and depression. There always seems to be some illness or problem he needs help through. It means I'm often tired and I get down myself sometimes. But the difference? He absolutely appreciates me and tells me that often.

I think you're right when you say she probably sees it all as something that's happened to HER rather than to you both. I'm not sure what the answer is but she has definitely been hurtful.

How cruel 😕😕

I would tell him how hurt you are

This is really awful to hear. Sending love

I think the best response to that would be: off you pop then it's not been particularly nice knowing you!!

@TravellingFrom I was wondering, not justifying! Personally it helps me to try to understand where someone might be coming from, even if I think they’re wrong. Of course it’s not ok to take it out on your partner but it takes maturity to say “Yes, things have been really tough and Winsomewoman has been great”, which she might not have been able to muster in the moment, even if that’s what she feels deep down. I just don’t think condemning someone who OP describes as normally appreciative of her without attempting to understand (not excuse!) gets her anywhere.

If I was you, I'd go out and have some fun.

I hope you do separate.

You sound like a lovely woman.

Far too good for her.

Glad your finally are clear.

[quote Gazorpazorp]@TravellingFrom I was wondering, not justifying! Personally it helps me to try to understand where someone might be coming from, even if I think they’re wrong. Of course it’s not ok to take it out on your partner but it takes maturity to say “Yes, things have been really tough and Winsomewoman has been great”, which she might not have been able to muster in the moment, even if that’s what she feels deep down. I just don’t think condemning someone who OP describes as normally appreciative of her without attempting to understand (not excuse!) gets her anywhere.[/quote]
Yes. The note unreasonable someone is, the more helpful it is to be able to understand the batshit thought processes.

If I were you, I'd book an Airbnb for a couple of weeks and get away. Take the time to be on your own and think about what you want to do. I think she'd benefit from the distance too. Then see where you both are after that.

More, not note.

Very hurtful. Sounds to me like you are free to go and I would. Don’t look back. See what the next chapter holds. ☘️

Tell her how you feel, OP. She's not being fair at all.

Yep, she's got way too used to your support and has made the mistake of utterly taking you for granted. I've had a similar shake up in my own marriage in recent years and have had to make it abundantly clear to my DH that I could very easily manage without him and that he is incredibly lucky I am still here.

It's worked tbf, our marriage is very different these days but it took him almost losing me to make him change. I would be letting your DP know that what she said has flicked a switch for you and you now feel your relationship needs a reset if it has any chance of surviving.

And then start living for you, no more centring DP, it's time to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. She can choose to get on board and start showing some appreciation and respect for you or she can get left behind, it's up to her. I have learned (late in life but still) recently that people really do only value you as much as you value yourself, if you allow them to take advantage of you they bloody well will!

I've come to the conclusion I'm a pretty amazing person for shouldering all I have during mine and DH's lives together and I think it's fair to say the same about you from everything you mention in your post. Once you believe that about yourself it becomes much easier to refuse to accept people taking you for granted, and to walk away if they still try.

People often lash out when their own behaviour or situation has been highlighted to others and they don't like it - it's a reaction to truth. I would have been very hurt by the reaction, but if the relationship is worth saving, sit down together and speak truthfully about how the other's comments affected you. Take turns and don't interrupt each other. It needs to be done calmly or you'll both get nowhere.

@KatherineofGaunt

She does sound ungrateful. It's no wonder you've had less capacity for fun with everything that has happened.

My DH relies on me A LOT due to anxiety and depression. There always seems to be some illness or problem he needs help through. It means I'm often tired and I get down myself sometimes. But the difference? He absolutely appreciates me and tells me that often.

I think you're right when you say she probably sees it all as something that's happened to HER rather than to you both. I'm not sure what the answer is but she has definitely been hurtful.

I was thinking as I wrote my first post that actually, compared to those people I know who are struggling to cope with children with, say, ASD, or people with chronic and limiting health conditions, or MH issues, I've been very lucky. I'm glad your partner appreciates you for your support, KatherineofGaunt. It's not that my partner doesn't appreciate me, but I do think she assumes that it's not been nearly as bad for me as it's been for her.

So sorry you've had a stressful life.
What a slap in the face!
Why would you "be fun" experiencing all of this?
If you had of been, I guess, she would accused you of not taking her seriously, so you wouldn't win either way.
Your life journey has surely changed you and now is the time to get your shit together. Your life hasn't been fun, but you deserve to have some now.

Perhaps the time is right to separate. In which case I'll have to work hard on not being bitter about all the support I've put in for nothing

You didn't put in the support for nothing. You put in the support because your partner needed it and you loved her. There is meaning in that. There's meaning in being a decent, caring person. Don't get distracted by bitterness.

Life is short and it's time for you to make the most of it doing the things you enjoy and not being made to feel bad about it. You could try couples therapy if both your hearts are really in it... but maybe this is the time to go off on your different paths.

Actually I think it’s really good that they called you and didn’t hide anything. That gives you a level playing field to sit down and have a serious conversation and highlight some of the risks that they may not be aware of. I know I wasn’t aware of so many risks as a student. I would discuss the risk of sexual assault and assault/ mugging/ bad accidents/ choking on sick and death etc i would try and help them to work out how much is acceptable to drink or to change what they are drinking or gain other hobbies etc sounds very worrying for you x

That was a really horrible thing to say. There are people though who seem to attract trouble and drama into their lives while always claiming to have done the right thing. The acrimonious divorce was as a result of her marrying an unreasonable person. She chose to self-build and drag you into it. She chose to prioritise her parents over you for 7 years with you spending holidays on your own. She chose the shady business partner when she should have legally protected herself. Now she says that you're no fun.

I'd be skipping out of there before her next drama occurs and sucks more of the life out of you. I can see it already - she gets sick and you spend your remaining years looking after her because you feel too guilty to leave. I'd spend my retirement years having a damn good time without that joy sponge in my life. You really do deserve better and you should go and find it.

Wrong thread aorry 😂

YANBU to be hurt and think it was unjust and a bit cruel. You have been through the mill as far as I can see because when we are in a partnership or marriage, what affects them affects us too. You're ground down and no wonder!
DH and myself have had loads of difficulties in our lives, both before and since we met, some our own faults, some not. It has ground us down but we keep on and he's never said anything anywhere near as hurtful to me as that, ever. I can be a cranky bitch at times as well, as I was only this morning when I first got up!
I think you need to have a talk with your OH about this. It was a bit of a kick in the teeth after you being so supportive I think. If she doesn't show any remorse, you need to think about whether or not you want to stay with her, which after all you've been through and invested, is going to be difficult. If this is a sign of things to come though....! I'm sorry OP!