to overhaul our finances after 20+ years together?

[mustbefunny]

I read lots of threads on Mumsnet and elsewhere about how couples pool/split family money. There are always lots of differing opinions but quite often a clear view that 'surely you talked about this before you married and had children?'. Well yes, we did, and we still do, but things are constantly evolving and sometimes our conversations about finances get pushed to the bottom of the to do list! And so, we end up where we are now...

When we first rented a flat together, we both contributed the same figure in ££. At this time we earned roughly the same. We then bought a house and continued with this set-up throughout job changes, studying etc. First baby comes along and the amount we contribute in ££ changes with DH contributing more each month, but our salaries still get paid into our own accounts and we transfer over a set amount each month to our joint account. Marriage, two more children and 3 house moved later, this arrangement is still in place. In ££ DH contributes 2.5x what I do each month and also pays for lots of things from his own account. However, in % terms, I pay 90% of my salary and he pays about 60%. I do most of my spending from our joint account eg clothes, haircuts, nights out, whereas he pays for this stuff from his own account, but I reckon this only balances things up to about 85%/65% and in actual monetary terms he has >£1000 spare each month whereas I have

Depends what feels fairest for you two. For me it'd be same % of income paid into a central pot, not engineering for same amount of spending money each. But lots of others wouldn't feel the same.

We split the same as you, I.e I put in a percentage of what dh does because I earn less. Difference being we both have roughly the same to spend or save after that. I don't agree that all money should go into one pot if you're both working ( feels a bit 1950s to me) but you should both have about the same money left over each month.

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

It really depends. I've never liked to feel like DH is obliged to top up my spending money to match that he earns more than me. He works really hard for it. However, that's on the basis that: I have enough for myself and my earning potential hasnt been curtailed particularly by decisions taken together for the good of the whole family.

Where one partner earns a lot less then I think percentage based contributions work well eg both contribute the same % of your income.

We used to split everything 50/50 (earned the same), and after 10+ years switched to a joint account, prior to having kids. So completely understand that these things change over time.

We have the same set amount of spending money each per month, then everything else is in a joint account, with a few separate pots for savings, kids budgeting etc.

We still earn roughly the same. We had a period where he earned a bit more when I went PT, and then I overtook him, now it's fairly equal again. I don't think it would be fair for the lower earner to get less access to money.

Get the book ‘the barefoot investor’ ask him to read it too and do it together. It’s so so simple and both of you will be on the same page. Good luck.

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

This. It's all joint money, for the good of the family unit. It doesn't matter how much either of us earns - we aren't earning for ourselves, we are earning for the family.

I really don't get arrangements where one partner shops Gucci and the other can only afford Primark.

Thank you for all of these really insightful (and kind!) replies! It's so helpful to get a feel of what works for different families.

We put everything into the same pot and have the same spending money every month for work lunches, hobbies, clothing and any separate socialising (admittedly pre pandemic mostly) . Our finances are managed out of joint accounts for savings and day to day.

There is a disparity in our earnings but I take the view that we are married so everything is 50:50. The idea that one of us could be scraping by while the other has lots of money to spend or save doesn't sit well with me.

But that said, neither of us have large debts or gambling issues or other reasons like other families that might make it sensible to have separate finances for.

@OfstedOffred

It really depends. I've never liked to feel like DH is obliged to top up my spending money to match that he earns more than me. He works really hard for it. However, that's on the basis that: I have enough for myself and my earning potential hasnt been curtailed particularly by decisions taken together for the good of the whole family.

Where one partner earns a lot less then I think percentage based contributions work well eg both contribute the same % of your income.

That's odd mathematics. When one partner earns a lot less, paying equal percentages means they are left with vastly unequal amounts of spending money. Assuming the income differentials are due to the distribution of roles inside the relationship, this sounds about as equitable as a flat-rate tax would on a societal level - disproportionately benefitting the better-off.

Percentages only work if gap isn’t huge. If both have 10% left one has £1000 one has £100 how is that fair?

What is he doing with his spare £1000? As you are married half is yours if you split but that only works if it’s saved not if he’s wasting it every month.

We have also evolved over the last few years. We put both salaries into a joint account. Bills are paid from that, we take the same amount of money and put into our respective sole accounts. That is our money to do with as we please. We also move a little to another joint account and we use this for birthdays and Christmas for the family.
It used to be we paid certain bills each but when earnings changed and children came along the pay gap just didn't make it fair.

We have always shared all money - we have similar earning potential and similar attitudes to money, we also mostly has very little money so it's worked fine with us.

I would always suggest that you each allocated the same spending in £ per month and it is discussed and agreed what it covers.

It may turn out one of you has a much more expensive hobby, or buys more gifts for family (should that be a shared cost 🤷🏽‍♀️) or friends, one spends far more on clothes and beauty and hair. That is the downside of equal spends in £ it still needs a discussion of whether it's fair.

DH doesn't drive so should I pay for car costs - absolutely not, I also get lumbered with all the taxi duties and driving us both places, same way that it's no big deal to use family money to replace his bike fairly regularly goes it's not worth repairing.

You should have the same disposable income for yourselves at the end of the month, but you need to agree what counts as joint spent and it what isn't. Ie. You might think the kids need new coats he might think their current still fit so they don't.

Also, you need to agree with hours work, ie if you work PT, is he OK with the hours, or does he think you should now increase your hours, depending g on kids' age etc...but you like to work your current hours to have some time for yourself.

Since we married we've both kept back the same amount of 'fun money' per month and everything else goes into the joint account. Feels fair and has worked for us.

Put it all in the pot except a set amount we have decided on to keep for personal spending. This has evolved over time. It increased as both our wages increased, we lowered it when saving for a house. I’ve gone part time to care for our LO so my wages are currently lower but in the past it’s been the other way. In reality if we need to borrow money/have money from the joint pot for something we just mention it to each other or the other will just say ‘get it from the joint account’ so it’s not rigid but helps us as a guide and nice to have some for frivolous spending which I wouldn’t do if it was all joint!

I'm sitting here nodding my head at so many of your replies - but each of them is giving me more to think about!

DH does have a more expensive hobby and he's very generous with gifts so in a way I'd rather he had enough money to cover that so I wasn't annoyed about it being a joint cost.

The nuances in each families spending are really interesting to read. I suppose one of my hobbies could be classed as going to B&M for a browse with my friend (🙈 please tell me I'm not the only one!!) I justify spending from our joint account as it's on things for the house, not just me, but maybe DH thinks all those spends add up and we could go without 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu to want to review and update your arrangement. Why on earth would you leave your finances on the same footing year after year without a conversation?

I think you need to really step back and look at the whole thing in the round; with an income disparity, and you admitting you put it at the bottom of your list - what savings does he have? Are they jointly in your names? What about your pension vs his?

Yes yes to the new kids coats example - that sums up a lot of why we've got ourselves into a bit of a muddle (although I'm much more likely to be the one squeezing them to get the zipper done up!)

Also I do work pt so that's another factor to consider (although I feel that what I contribute in childcare, mental load, cleaning and house maintenance makes up for the hours I'm not in paid work)

We calculate our how much we take home and then pay proportionate amounts into the joint account to pay out outgoings.

At the end of the day I think I come out with £100 more per month, which isn't massive in the grand scheme of things, but I have also sought out a career which pays more (qualifications etc). DH has purposefully taken an easier route in life, which has translated in monetary terms. He has now settled into a career and will likely in the future see his salary increase to close the gap to mine.

Whenever either side has material pay increases we recalculate the % we pay to the joint account.

My DH wouldn't say he has ever been disadvantaged to us doing this as even when I was on maternity leave, I could still pay 50% of expenses because I had purposefully sought out a job with better maternity pay. He doesn't really think of the financials so I've propped everything up in that sense and he's had quite an easy ride with it.

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

We just do this and discuss extra expenses, especially big ones. Smaller every day things like clothes are just bought.

I would start with writing down exactly how each of you spend your money, how much is left over and how you spend/save this leftover money.

We pool everything together. I do earn less than DH but that's because of different careers and also that I work P/T. But DH also appreciates that I do lots more housework/life admin and you could argue I would "invoice" him for this.

How do you pay for joined expenses? Holidays, eating out, stuff for the kids, larger purchases for the house?

I would feel as a second-rate partner if I could only shop low budget stores and DH would buy designer/high end.

I also think it is important to think how you build your pension. You could argue that your DH should up your pension contribution if you work P/T as you do more unpaid work. Too many couples end up on very unequal footing when the lower paid partner has a small pension and the full time working one can enjoy retirement.

We both put nearly all our salary into the joint account and both just use that for everything. Sometimes I pay the nursery bill before I transfer it, sometimes from the joint depending on how long it has taken nursery to send the invoice that month. He pays a set amount into savings and I pay whatever I have spare. Halfway through the month he will top up savings or joint account depending on how the month's gone. So it's a bit random, bit ultimately about 99% of what we both have goes to joint account or joint savings.

Neither of us feel we need to check with the other about spending unless it's for a genuinely big purchase. Our money is all our money.

We do percentage of income. We both have roughly the same amount each left. We have separate savings and I have no idea how much in savings he has and vice versa.

We add up all our income: salary, child benefit, money from
side huddles. We work out all the shared bills including all kids expenses. Say it’s £1000. We see who earns what as a percentage of our total income so say one earns £500 the other earns £1500 so the higher earner pays 75% of joint expenses (£750) and lower earner pays 25% (£250). The higher earner ends up with more spending money but the lower earner still keeps a reasonable proportion of their income. Currently I earn 100% of the money so I pay all the bills and then out of what’s left I transfer OH money for their expenses (phone, travel, clothes etc).