to overhaul our finances after 20+ years together?

[mustbefunny]

I read lots of threads on Mumsnet and elsewhere about how couples pool/split family money. There are always lots of differing opinions but quite often a clear view that 'surely you talked about this before you married and had children?'. Well yes, we did, and we still do, but things are constantly evolving and sometimes our conversations about finances get pushed to the bottom of the to do list! And so, we end up where we are now...

When we first rented a flat together, we both contributed the same figure in ££. At this time we earned roughly the same. We then bought a house and continued with this set-up throughout job changes, studying etc. First baby comes along and the amount we contribute in ££ changes with DH contributing more each month, but our salaries still get paid into our own accounts and we transfer over a set amount each month to our joint account. Marriage, two more children and 3 house moved later, this arrangement is still in place. In ££ DH contributes 2.5x what I do each month and also pays for lots of things from his own account. However, in % terms, I pay 90% of my salary and he pays about 60%. I do most of my spending from our joint account eg clothes, haircuts, nights out, whereas he pays for this stuff from his own account, but I reckon this only balances things up to about 85%/65% and in actual monetary terms he has >£1000 spare each month whereas I have

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

Same here. All money is pooled and we each spend what we want when we want. Well, within reason - bigger purchases we talk about together. All if our savings are planned together though some are in separate names for tax planning reasons. We both have access to everything.

We've done this since we moved in together post university. It's worked for us for the past 26 years, despite having very different salaries, me having mat leave and through having a child - now a 19y at university.

What does he do with his £1000 a month?

Joint accounts, wages paid in.
60% to main account for mortgage, every day bills and living.
20% savings and 20% splurge for treats dinners, haircut etc.
Only stipulation is that there is a conversation if more than $250 is being spent.

We are in a similar position to you OP, always had our own money (and in fact I was the higher earning) but several houses and kids down the line I'm now running low at the end of the month and DH isn't.

We've written down all our expenditures including stuff like phone contacts (his is double), contact lenses (him not me), hair cuts (mine is more) and then plan to pay for these together and the rest into joint savings - with a set amount we will retain for fun (the same amount for both of us).

In an ideal world, our salaries would be paid into the same account and then we would withdraw our fun money separately but DH is self employed so doesn't quite work like that. So there will be a bit of fudging it each month I think!

I think once you've taken out necessities (and depends on how you define this - you could include your DH's hobby in here) you should have equal money together and savings should be joint anyway.

As soon as we married over 30 years ago we just had a joint bank account. No such thing as yours or my money, all expenses and spending money come from the same pot regardless of who is working (3 kids so some time at home) and who earns what. We probably both have similar ideas on what constitutes an expensive item so would say if we were buying something more than day to day items for ourselves but there is no asking for permission. Money has never been a bone of contention even when we didn’t have much, I know we are lucky.

We have had various was during our marriage but this is what works for us . Little pots of money

So we both pay salaries into joint account .
All std orders and dd come out .
If we can afford to we put money into savings pots
Holiday / Christmas savings
Car bills
Other incidental bills such as dentist etc.

Then we each have a personal account that we pay money into for the month .

It’s up to us what we spend that money on . No judgement from the other person.

@Flatandhappy

As soon as we married over 30 years ago we just had a joint bank account. No such thing as yours or my money, all expenses and spending money come from the same pot regardless of who is working (3 kids so some time at home) and who earns what. We probably both have similar ideas on what constitutes an expensive item so would say if we were buying something more than day to day items for ourselves but there is no asking for permission. Money has never been a bone of contention even when we didn’t have much, I know we are lucky.

We are the same as this. It works for us because we are on the same page (most of the time!) with regards to spending. All salaries, gifts, small inheritances etc just go into the same pot.

DH has a more expensive hobby than me, but I almost certainly spend more on clothes and haircuts etc. Neither of us are big spenders though, and we will always discuss big purchases together. If we are getting a bit short, we will discuss our finances and both cut back for a while. It's worked for us for almost 30 years now, through marriage, 3 kids, and ups and downs financially. I would hate to think that I had more money than my DH, or vice versa.

Everything in one pot here. We’ve a joint account for bills, a joint account for spending, and personal current accounts for our spends which is mainly used for our hobbies/stupid stuff for ourselves that the other can’t criticise

DH earns way more than I did (I’m now a sahm) but anything I earn from selling outgrown clothes etc is all joint. Savings weirdly are mainly in my name, but I do that sort of admin and DH is ok with that (he has full access).

We spoke about it before and we always knew it would be the one that caused us trouble :L

I had always been the one to provide 100% for my kids and v independent.
He's very traditional in men pay all.

He earns 5 x what I earn but has high cm to pay.
We each get our money into own accounts and never pool bar joint savings for mortgage deposit.
He pays everything house except food shopping (which I insist on for my mental sanity )
I pay for anything my 2 need
He probably ends up with around 2 x disposable income as me and I really don't care He works hard and I'm more then content with my disposable.
Days out He usually covers but if I cover he always offers to send me ( or sometimes just sends if he knows amount)
If anything unexpected happens that I can't afford He chips it in straight away.

If DH has 1000 left each month and you have 100 left then a redistribution is needed, doesn't really matter how you do it. It could be that DH takes over paying more of the bills direct. Or he puts 500 more into the joint account and you put 500 less.

DH and I don't have a joint account; we are responsible for different bills. But also work together to get the bills paid/ sometimes transfer money to each other if one of us is short. I don't think either of would like it much to have our spending choices so visible to each other, that's just us.

But if paying an extra 500 a month for the household means he can't be generous with gifts then that's his reality that he's currently shielded from. OR if he's happy for you to be so 'poor' while he's so 'rich' - when your earning capacity was reduced by your joint kids - then that is not a sign of a nice person.

We have separate accounts that our wages are paid into then divide things so that we both have the same amount of spending money left over. We can then do with that what we wish. DH earns substantially more than I do now (went part time when DD came along) but it wasn’t always that way.

In terms of our own spending money, I always have more left at the end of the month than DH because I am a natural saver whereas he likes to spend a lot on his hobbies.

I earn double what DH does, so we put in accordingly to the joint account to cover monthly bills - mortgage, cards, food, house bills, expenses for our 2 DS etc. Then what is left we keep - mostly we save it. I usually mostly pay for holidays as I like splashing out and can afford to.

We have our salaries paid straight to the joint account, everything is paid for from there including standing orders that transfer the same amount monthly to our personal accounts. Personal money is for things like haircuts and hobbies.

"However, in % terms, I pay 90% of my salary and he pays about 60%."
I think that's grossly unfair. He can finance any whim at a moment's notice whilst you have to plan and save and yes, scrimp. Such disparity in the choices available to the two of you is shocking to me.

If you're a team, the only fair way to do this (IMO) is to put all money into a joint pot, and then take the same amount out each month for personal spends. Then joint/kid spending comes out of the joint pot, and individual spending comes from your own. (There will always be edge-cases that you'll have to figure out for yourself.)

It can be quite a large amount that comes out for you both each month if you want, but the point is that it's equal. Because your PT work+childcare is considered to be the same value to the family as his FT job.

I have a question for "one pot" people. Do you take money for your own savings/investments from the joint pot or from the personal spending money (if you divide it like that)? Do you get the same amount? Or do you only have joint savings accounts? Also is there a limit of using the joint account when you have to talk to your spouse about it?

We don’t pool money in our household. DH earns about 2x my salary so he pays all household bills, mortgage etc. I buy all our groceries, stuff for kids, gifts etc. It still works out that DH has a fair bit more personal spending money than me every month but we try to live similar lifestyles, i.e neither of us have particularly expensive hobbies or shopping habits. He also will accumulate his extra money and either put it in our joint saving account (our only joint account) or use it for ‘big’ purchases or costs that occur every so often. For example my car needed about £400 of repairs a while back, we bought some new furniture, holidays etc - DH’s extra money usually covers these. It’s very informal but it works well for us, I understand that this approach might not work for couples whose personal spending isn’t as balanced as ours though.

We live on DH wage and save mine.
DH earns 3x what I do so % and splitting wouldn't really work, however we both have the same attitudes to spending so it works.
And even before when wages were much more equal we pooled everything and had equal amounts of 'own' money each month.

DH and I pay in different amounts that leave us with the same personal spends money, prior to that all bills etc are covered, including groceries etc, spending for DS and saving amounts for both DS and us jointly are set aside. I tend to save a bit from my personal spends and have invested some of it, DS less so but does save a little for himself, he got some shares from a previous severance package that I said to him to keep because they'd treated him pretty poorly, so that felt fair. We both have good pensions.
When we were first together and not married we did the while 50/50 thing then there was a time when I earned considerably more so paid more, but then it transpired I was actually left with less disposable income than he was so we requested to current set up. I like the personal spends thing because I don't get irritated by his hobby spends, as I know I would if it was all coming out of the same pot, it's up to him what he does with that money he can burn it for all I care.

DH earns massively more than me (I'm PT and he gets an allowance over his salary due to shift work) but all salary goes in the joint account.

All spending on house and DD comes out of that pot. Small house spends (mostly by me) are joint money and larger house things are discussed (probably anything over about £50 but we don't have a set figure, it just feels like that's a reasonable level.

We each get the same amount into our personal accounts and those purchases are not discussed. I buy clothes, DH buys bike and computer parts.

Anything left over in the joint account when pay day rolls around goes either into savings or overpays the mortgage.

It took us a while to get to this point, especially as DH was the only one earning for a while then when DD was born I didn't like to "ask" for money. Our monthly personal amount has evolved in reflection with our increased salaries over the years but at the end of the day it's all family money so it makes sense that we get equal fun money.

We just pool everything into the same account and budget it all for bills, childcare, house jobs we’re doing currently, savings, holiday savings and whatever is left after that we split / use for leisure spends. Sometimes it gets spent and sometimes it doesn’t and whatever is left goes into the savings as well.

This has worked well for us because I’m a firm believer that money works harder when it’s together, and especially with the house, as we had an offset mortgage that we paid off in under 15 years rather than 25 because all of our money was running through the same account.

Whatever works for you though.

I still earn more btw but not by a huge amount anymore, I don't see it as me subsidising him he works just as hard as I do, does his fair share around the house and also consolidated his hours after my mat leave so we both cover the same amount of weekday childcare, pick ups, drop offs etc

We budget for the same disposable income each. Salaries into our own accounts but put a different amount each into a joint account for bills and food.

Child Benefit goes into my account and I use that to pay for the children's clothes and school lunches.

I tend to organise it all on a spreadsheet and tell DH if there are any changes and we talk through how it's going every once in a while.

We have a single pot of money which is our joint income. It might sit in various single/joint accounts but that's irrelevant. Everything goes towards expenses and the remaining either savings or pension - again it may be held in one of our accounts but that's not relevant as it will either move into pension (I plan our pension to ups) or will get spent on holiday. Never have done it any other way. I manage all our finances as DH is too busy with work and can't be bothered. Neither of us spend too much on ourselves other than occasional clothes/shoes/snacks etc. No big hobbies or personal expenses to cater to.

As far as planning goes we've always planned with only DH's income as a source of money. I.e.we should be able to live off his income alone (except holidays). Hence my income (which is around 60% of his due to PT) has always been a surplus and helped us save for deposit/holidays/pension to up,
I hope this helps.

This is interesting. We get left with the same % at the end of the month for spending or saving but i earn 3 times more. I’ve worked really hard to get to a senior well paid role private sector , DH is conscientious but plods along in public sector role. I would feel it was unfair if we got the same spending money when I’d put in so much had graft. BUT if never see DH without enough to see mates, do hobbies etc. I also regularly pay for things myself (kids clothes, activities) that should really come from joint account.

Put everything in the same pot and then give each of you a set amount for saving and personal spends. For example, each of you have 250/month towards savings/retirement and 200/month personal spends. Everything else is joint including a joint savings for holidays, long term etc.

You may need some catching up time too.

Good luck!