to overhaul our finances after 20+ years together?

[mustbefunny]

I read lots of threads on Mumsnet and elsewhere about how couples pool/split family money. There are always lots of differing opinions but quite often a clear view that 'surely you talked about this before you married and had children?'. Well yes, we did, and we still do, but things are constantly evolving and sometimes our conversations about finances get pushed to the bottom of the to do list! And so, we end up where we are now...

When we first rented a flat together, we both contributed the same figure in ££. At this time we earned roughly the same. We then bought a house and continued with this set-up throughout job changes, studying etc. First baby comes along and the amount we contribute in ££ changes with DH contributing more each month, but our salaries still get paid into our own accounts and we transfer over a set amount each month to our joint account. Marriage, two more children and 3 house moved later, this arrangement is still in place. In ££ DH contributes 2.5x what I do each month and also pays for lots of things from his own account. However, in % terms, I pay 90% of my salary and he pays about 60%. I do most of my spending from our joint account eg clothes, haircuts, nights out, whereas he pays for this stuff from his own account, but I reckon this only balances things up to about 85%/65% and in actual monetary terms he has >£1000 spare each month whereas I have

I think its worth remembering that regardless of what each of you earn, if you went into the relationship with similar money and are married it is essentially all your money equally anyway.

It is far easier to pool it all and spend what you need.

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

Same, been together since I was 18 and he was 20. All money was always pooled even before we lived together. Mainly because we had bearly any. Over the years we have both been in positions were we were the higher earner or a non earner, it was still pooled. We both earn a good wage now, I earn more but it all goes into a joint account and we both just use it.

We don't split our money. We are a team and accept that one member of the team "contributes" slightly more financially, but everything goes into one pot, everything comes out of that pot and we both have a credit card for personal spends. Large purchases such as holidays, new car or recent building work on the house are agreed between us, budgeted for out of that amount and either saved for, or purchased on a cc and and repaid ..... all out of the one pot.

I really do not get this obsessive MN attitude of "you pay x% and I pay y% , I get the rest of mine, you get the rest of yours ....etc etc " its confusing and unnecessary.

We have separate accounts, but all money is family money. We take it in turns to pay for eg: kids activities, DH pays more bills as he earns more but I usually get food shopping, kids clothes/shoes. We revisit it periodically and redistribute bills if it seems unfair (such as when I increased work hours when youngest DC started school)

Mainly it just has to be something you're both happy with and keep talking and evolving it.

We've been completely joint since just before we got married nearly 20years ago. We agreed to pool everything and pay ourselves an equal allowance back. It worked til we couldn't afford the allowance! Then we just pooled everything, and I manage the money, so I'd let him know what we had and if there was spare.

For periods I've not worked or worked part time, or I did and he didn't, so it's worked really well but relies heavily on communication. I've only had to pull him up once when due to his expensive hobby we were outstripping our monthly income.

I just got a full time, decently paid job again for the first time in a few years. I've been part time, then full time but low pay for a while. So wondering whether to go back to an allowance, just to allow for presents and things, but I suspect he won't want to, as he just CBA. And if I want to get him something without him knowing I just buy it on the credit card which is in my name so he doesn't see the bill!

Re someone asking about savings, we have investment accounts that we save into each month, the same amount for each, but we regard the money as joint still, even though it's in individual names, and if we ever withdraw any, we have a look at how the accounts are doing and decide which one to take it out of. I've just taken some out for some household purchases so mine is a bit low, so next time we take some out, it will probably be from his. I guess if one of us wanted to spend on something massive, it might be a problem, but we know what we have and our aspirations are similar, so it hasn't caused an issue so far.

We have always just shared money ever since we were young and went travelling together.

We used to earn similar amounts but once we started having kids I went part time and into unskilled work that fitted around the kids. DH on the other hand worked up the career ladder and now earns 4 times what I do even though I now work almost full time in a ‘proper’ job.

Our decision to have kids and for me to me at home with them meant my earning potential and career prospects were drastically reduced.
Contributions to family life aren’t just financial, there’s practical (housework, cooking, childcare, errands, admin etc), emotional (making sure kids are happy and healthy), mental (the infamous mental load!!) as well as all the other things that keep family life ticking over - birthday parties, holidays, relationships with extended family etc.
Just having both people contribute lots of money and none of the above means a family won’t flourish. It’s a balancing act and some families need more intangible input, eg if a child has SEN etc.

Alll our money goes into the joint account and all spending comes out of it.

My husband and I have been together about the same length of time as you, and we’ve always (well, since we moved in together) had a joint account - all money in, bills paid, rest to spend as we want. I’ve seen often on here about having equal spending money but we don’t worry about that - we just buy what we want and to be perfectly honest, if we run short we top up from savings. Probably not a very sensible approach but it’s always worked for us 😄

Everything goes into the joint account. We have budgets each for clothes, personal interests( we are retired so husband plays a lot of golf ) ,holidays, household expenses etc. We also have pocket money each month . We have the same amount of money each and can spend it as we wish.

We have everything in one pot and everything comes out of that. Surely that's easier than working out percentages?

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

This is what we do but it means that we discuss personal spends quite a bit and negotiate. I know some women wouldn't like asking for 'permission' to buy things.

When me and DP were together, we paid an amount proportional to our salaries into the joint account, kept the rest. I was the higher earner, and did try and talk about pooling and pensions (my pension much better) but he wasn’t having any of it. I was quite relieved as I think he would have died on the spot if he knew how much I was spending on the horses!

We add up all our outgoings. Then share the contribution to those pro rata based on all our income.

Crucially we've agreed a couple of important things. Overpaying they mortgage and paying as much as we can into our pensions. We want to have fun together when we are retired!

We've also made sure that we have the same disposable income each. We spend that in very different ways but it feels more like our own money rather than family money so it's ok.

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

^^ this for us too.

@InDubiousBattle

We don't really split family money. Everything in one pot, bills etc come out of it and we both spend what we want/need out of it. We've been together a long time and done it this way since we moved in together at 21!

This only works unless one of you is more spendy than the other. Full disclosure I'm the spend one. I need to know how much I'm allowed to spend (and then I spend it all). I'm rubbish