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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are these comments not nice ? Or am I being too sensitive?

89 replies

Userdeniedit99 · 25/02/2022 18:28

Friend says the following to me:
Userdeniedit99 ate all the starters (said to rest of group we were out with). She actually ate it all
Userdeniedit99 put that on friends phone. Infact, she did, not me
Userdeniedit99 is the eldest in the group (said to some blokes we were chatting to). She's actually the eldest

OP posts:

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:18

And saying you ate all the starters
Who to?

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 08:20

How old are you OP?

Dguu6u · 07/03/2022 08:24

Speak up!
Unbelievable how many people on mumsnet come here complaining, but could have resolved the whole issue by just speaking to the other person.

JackieWeaver101 · 07/03/2022 08:27

I think you need to start questioning why you consider her your 'friend'.

MRex · 07/03/2022 08:31

@AWillhelmBobs

I agree with everyone on this thread, OP, shoot her down.

Not to hijack but dd has a friend who has recently started doing exactly this. She accuses dd in from of others to have done x, y, z. DD and her are very close and usually get on. What can dd say in response? For example she says "Ava (not real name) made us lose the game because she is slow" and stuff like that, putting dd down with things that are actually not even true.

Any come backs for this sort of things?

Same advice, find someone else who is friendly to be a friend.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/03/2022 08:42

She's really not your friend. In your shoes I would stop seeing her.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/03/2022 08:44

It does all sound very childish. Are you all still at school? Because, in a way, that would make it more understandable to find it difficult to escape from an overbearing friend. This is certainly not adult behaviour.

lechatnoir · 07/03/2022 08:58

It sounds like you're ready to put some boundaries in place which is great but you can still stand up for yourself (& make her look a dick) without a big drama.
Can I have your password for xyz? No I don't give out my passwords.
I've booked the later show despite asking if you'd come to the earlier show? Well that's a shame you didn't check first as I can't make the later one - I hope you manage to find someone else to go with.

And all that nonsense on the group I just be saying no idea why you're putting these things on here when (a) we both know they're not true and (b) nobody cares

I bet when you start standing up for yourself she moves on to someone else and you'll be well rid.

lborgia · 07/03/2022 09:01

She's kept going to see if you have a tipping point.

Check with her parents, she probably used to pull the wings off flies.

Lurking9to5 · 07/03/2022 09:08

@CaptainMyCaptain

This is a ridiculous comment. I've experienced a relative (pushing 50) give me the silent treatment for pointing out that I said the exact same thing (as another relative she was gushing over) two minutes ago. Silent treatment still going on. She fawns over everybody around us but ices me. Age has nothing to do with how badly some people choose to behave.

Also had a woman at work (30 ish) behave in a similar way. She just wanted to exclude me from the general chit chat. She wanted to so she did. She could and she did.

She left luckily but who thinks that this crappy behaviour stops with age?

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 07/03/2022 09:26

Tell her to wipe her chin coz she's talking shite 💩

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 09:31

She really isn't your friend and it's best to cut your losses and move on.

I've ended a few friendships in the past few years and bar one or two regrets I genuinely haven't regretted ending most of them.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 09:34

Oh, they are not nice comments and you aren't being too sensitive. She's pushing your buttons to see if she can get a rise (reaction) out of you.

I bet if she's challenged she goes all faux innocent and 'it was only a joke Userdeniedit, you don't mind? ha ha!' to you doesn't she?

HailAdrian · 07/03/2022 09:35

My daughter has a friend like this. She also likes to post unflattering photos of daughter on SM. Seems to stem from insecurity.

Dacquoise · 07/03/2022 09:41

I don't agree that it's so black and white as some pps are suggesting. In a group situation cutting one person off, possibly the queen bee, can lead to alienation from the whole group of friends. It's not as simple as moving on and why should one person have the power to oust you?

But setting a firm and consistent boundary with this person is a good idea. Like someone said she has assigned the Op her fall guy to put down and will will probably move on to someone else when the fun stops.

My own experience of this is that the nasty person ends up pretty friendless. I have had someone who was an utter dick to me try to reconnect years later. Funnily enough I was permanently busy!

YorkshireRog · 07/03/2022 09:44

Doesn’t sound very joyful. I had a friend like this this. To this day I feel sorry for her because she has a huge lack of insight (and so has no pals at all which she really struggles with). For that reason probably I took more than I needed to. But if we ever met people she would use me as some way to bond with them by being incredibly rude about it. She would switch when alone and not mention it. There were lots of other crazy things she did too. It wasn’t fun though. It was a real bind on my life and joy. So I just quietly and politely stepped out. If there is any contact I am always civil. But I decided a while ago I couldn’t be in it. Also the using of your accounts is odd, particularly with these odd attempts to make you feel small. You can do better with pals. There are lots of nice folk about.

inappropriateraspberry · 07/03/2022 09:47

She not your friend, she's a user.

Twillow · 07/03/2022 09:47

Unless you really, really want to see this show, tell her you can't go as you only agreed to the midday one and DO NOT PAY.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/03/2022 09:51

Don't lots of people joke about their age? 'It's my birthday, 21 again' kind of stuff. I Don't think anything in your first post is particularly bad and sounds like it could have been said in jest? If you're in a group of friends surely people will see who ate the starters? I would have interpreted that as her joking about her being the greedy one. I don't actually understand the bit about the phone but seems like it would be obvious who did it so may have been a joke?

But anyway if you feel that she is putting you down you aren't obliged to spend time with her. Only you can really get a feel for the true intent of her comments. I think asking for access to your accounts for regular use is cheeky. Be strong, stand up for yourself and if she isn't bringing any joy to your life then cut her out.

2Gen · 07/03/2022 09:57

@Gonnagetgoing

Oh, they are not nice comments and you aren't being too sensitive. She's pushing your buttons to see if she can get a rise (reaction) out of you.

I bet if she's challenged she goes all faux innocent and 'it was only a joke Userdeniedit, you don't mind? ha ha!' to you doesn't she?

@Gonnagetgoing- You've hit the nail on the head there! OP a bit of banter and slagging is grand when you're well able to give it back, and if when you do give it back, the other person takes it in good humour. But, as you're a quite person it sounds lke you far from well able to give it back and if you did, I bet your "friend" wouldn't take it in good humour, would she? The even bigger worry is she's asking for access to those accounts! That's a big red flag and I reckon you should dump her because of this. She's going to keep pushing if you don't and it shows a total lack of respect for you! She's a thundering bitch as far as I can tell and you'll be happier without her. Ditch her and learn to set clear boundaries and to improve your self-confidence! It's grand to be quiet but that doesn't mean you have to put up with being a punch-bag for bitches!

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 10:00

Is she 5? She's not your friend. Friends lift each other up not out each other down to male themselves feel better

EveningOverRooftops · 07/03/2022 10:01

@incognitoforthisone

Once again, I'm amazed at how many people have 'friends' they don't actually like. This woman's clearly horrible to you and you, understandably, hate her for it.

She doesn't like you. You don't like her. Why are you spending time together?

Because it’s bloody hard to make friends and it’s ‘better’ to go to dinner/cinema/socially acceptable activity with a dick than go alone and every other dick make a song and dance of you being alone and how sad and lonely it must be.

DrSbaitso · 07/03/2022 10:39

Don't lots of people joke about their age? 'It's my birthday, 21 again' kind of stuff.

Yes but it's a bit different to joke about someone else's.

LemonDrizzles · 07/03/2022 12:16

I strongly relate to the pushover thing. I found the book" power of a positive no by William ury helpful

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/03/2022 13:34

@Lurking9to5 I don't think it was a ridiculous comment at all. Older people might still make bitchy comments but those on the receiving end should know better than to put up with it. School can be a bit of a hot house atmosphere with no 'escape'. Adult life shouldn't be like that.

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