AIBU is Actually Invalidating

Viviennemary · 25/02/2022 09:48

Maybe this site isnt for you. If you have concerns you need go take it up with MN.

JohannSebastianBach · 25/02/2022 09:50

Lol you are asking for gentle in AIBU? Good luck.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 25/02/2022 09:55

Why do you need to know?

SimpleShootingWeekend · 25/02/2022 09:56

YABU. It’s a normal, human, thing to do to talk through things with other people. People with some distance from the situation can give a useful perspective. We are social creatures and it isn’t necessary to make all decisions and form all opinions in isolation.

Thankyoupeter · 25/02/2022 09:56

@JohannSebastianBach

Lol you are asking for gentle in AIBU? Good luck.

Oh your username just brought back such happy memories of my teen years.....what a beautiful man!

Anyway OP.....are you asking us to validate your opinion?

DrManhattan · 25/02/2022 09:56

It's a good thing to find out other perspectives. There might be something you haven't considered

Xiaoxiong · 25/02/2022 09:58

I find a lot of people often can't judge what they think/feel as being accurate or not. They have often been told for years that they are "being stupid" or "over-reacting" and therefore don't trust their own experience.

Yes, this may be true, but this is the reality for a lot of people. So they second guess themselves, and having 300+ responses on AIBU can help stiffen their spine eg. if they're wondering if they're being gaslit, or if they've been rude, or whatever.

Sometimes having confidence in your own opinion is helpful, but there is a vast world of experience out there. Sometimes it's good to get a second opinion, especially from a more diverse range of voices which you can get on the internet outside of your own head or your circle of family and friends.

Some people may want validation of what they already think, some people are genuinely canvassing opinions before they make a decision.

I don't think self-validation is a good thing in all cases. People who are super confident in their own decisions in the face of all evidence to the contrary are not always healthy either.

ohhooh · 25/02/2022 09:59

Do you want us to validate your opinion? 😂

Sometimes you can be so close to a situation you can't tell if YABU, and outside perspectives can be really helpful. Especially if it's a situation you don't want to talk about IRL.

howdoesthisworktoday · 25/02/2022 10:00

@Burgoo

Hi All,

Fairly new here and have some observations about interactions that happen on the site. Here is my first AIBU! Be gentle with me please!

AIBU for wondering whether it is unhealthy to constantly need to seek reassurance from other people about what is "right"?

BTW this isn't a criticism, its just that I find a lot of people often can't judge what they think/feel as being accurate or not. They have often been told for years that they are "being stupid" or "over-reacting" and therefore don't trust their own experience.

Does AIBU perpetuating the belief that we need to get advice from others to validate our position? Whilst I can see some people want validation and at the same time it stops us being able to self-validate.

Again gentle please! Its just an observation.

Your post really speaks to me OP.

I often wonder exactly this. I'm constantly confused about my feelings on things and I ask for others opinions on here. I am not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I wish I just knew myself and my feelings. But yes, I've been told a lot that my feelings are not valid and now I don't trust myself.

traintraveller · 25/02/2022 10:00

There are some situations where it might be useful to get other opinions. However it seems to me that often people post their clear cut situation to provoke outrage among other posters who will support and validate their feelings (usually hatred towards their partner).

PeskyRooks · 25/02/2022 10:00

Yes I see what you mean OP.

But often people posting in AIBU already think they are in the right but just want loads of people to agree with them as 'back up'.

That's why it gets heated and you get the classic
AIBU?
YES!
No I'm not!

But agree it would be good if people could 'own' their choices and behaviour without needing validation from strangers!

Cocomelonearworm · 25/02/2022 10:01

AIBU is all about the entertainment of the readers. Anyone who posts on there with a genuinely upsetting problem is effectively throwing themselves to the lions.

The only topic I would ever venture to post in AIBU is a parking dilemma with obligatory diagram

BuyDirt · 25/02/2022 10:01

You’re literally using AIBU to validate your position. 😂

But yes. I do agree on the whole, people should be more confident in their opinion on a situation.

However, its often used by women who have been gaslit and abused for so long that they have been made to feel confused and have lost their ability to judge situations. For those women, hopefully it helps to see others opinions, especially when they’re overwhelmingly one way.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 25/02/2022 10:03

YABU. I have found it very useful in the past. Sometimes people have given me a fresh perspective and changed my mind . On one occasion nearly everyone thought I was unreasonable but I still felt so strongly that I was correct it reinforced my will to stand my ground.

WomanStanleyWoman · 25/02/2022 10:04

You’re contradicting yourself a bit. You say people shouldn’t need anyone’s validation of their own feelings, but you ask twice in your opening post for people to be ‘gentle’ with you. Why, if you don’t need anyone else’s validation, do you care if people slate your comments/viewpoint? Surely if you’re so desperate for people to be gentle, that in itself is a need for validation?

PeskyRooks · 25/02/2022 10:05

@Thankyoupeter
Did you mean Sebastian Bach from Skid Row? Not Johann Sebastian Bach the composer?
If so I agree!!

Sparklingbrook · 25/02/2022 10:05

I think it depends what the question is. Asking randoms on the internet their opinion on important life decisions could be problematic.

AIBU is known as a topic where people can air their grievances and petty gripes. Everyone wants to post in it because it's the busiest topic and they need the 'traffic'. Some never venture out of AIBU.
Generally if you post in the topic for the particular subject you are talking about the replies will be fewer but of better quality.

Heytheredemons · 25/02/2022 10:06

So you don't agree with people coming here needing to validate their thoughts, whilst coming here to validate your thoughts 🤔
This website is class, thanks mumsnet for the best laugh I've had all week.

TheUsualShitshow · 25/02/2022 10:07

I sort of know what you mean.

Like yesterday someone was asking if they should let their 11 year old watch the news! I think if you can't figure stuff like that out, as someone who has been a child and is now an adult, then I guess something like this does help.

grapewine · 25/02/2022 10:10

@WomanStanleyWoman

You’re contradicting yourself a bit. You say people shouldn’t need anyone’s validation of their own feelings, but you ask twice in your opening post for people to be ‘gentle’ with you. Why, if you don’t need anyone else’s validation, do you care if people slate your comments/viewpoint? Surely if you’re so desperate for people to be gentle, that in itself is a need for validation?

On point.

GirlInACountrySong · 25/02/2022 10:14

You are new here? Where have you stumbled in from?

Sparklingbrook · 25/02/2022 10:15

@Burgoo have you had a look and a read of the other topics on here? Or have you only been on AIBU?

Thankyoupeter · 25/02/2022 10:19

@PeskyRooks

😂 Yes I did

Dumblebum · 25/02/2022 10:20

This is the most woke thing ever, just because someone asks something doesn’t mean they do it for everything in their life.

Chasingaftermidnight · 25/02/2022 10:21

I agree with you.

I think women and girls so frequently have their feelings, needs and boundaries invalidated that they often aren’t sure how they should feel. And that’s how this board came about.