Sometimes AIBU is a prelude to Relationships. Sometimes women have been gaslit in abusive relationships and actually dont know up from down any more, and AIBU usually is the straw that breaks the camels back - the tiny insignificant to the OP reason that she seeks confirmation of, which often turns out to be the red flag on the shitpile of often years of manipulation.
Maybe this is one of its most important functions. Well, there are three important functions, in my opinion.
First, a woman can come on here and make a small comment about the way their husband treats them and they’re testing the waters when they ask AIBU. But a HUGE amount of users can spot an abuser a mile away, either because they’ve been abused, or they lived with an abuser (father, stepfather), or someone else they love was abused. Sometimes, these threads get moved to Relationships, but sometimes they stay in AIBU because the OP is getting the support they need. There are women who have started AIBU threads and ended up leaving terribly abusive men.
And then there are two other reasons.
1. British (and often female) fear of confrontation. I don’t want to make a TAAT, but recently on one about movie seats, someone considered telling another individual that they were sitting in your seats “a confrontation.” How many threads involve the words “I’m a people pleaser” or “I fear confrontation”? So when you as a woman have that low of a level of self-assertion, then you become very unsure of yourself. I’m not saying this is EVERY British woman, of course it’s not, and a lot of women in every culture are socialized this way unfortunately, made to feel unreasonable when they’re standing up for what they need, when they’re right, but no, if no one feared confrontation, half of AIBU would be gone. And it’s not a surprise to me that Reddit is both more male dominated and more American and their advice board equivalent to this is called, “Am I the asshole?” No fears of being unreasonable, just either I’m the arsehole, or the other person is. Shrug. It’s a very different way to view things, in my opinion. One of the strongest things on MN is other women supporting a woman and saying NO, you’re NOT unreasonable; you deserve X, or you have the right to say or do X.
And third…
- People come here to ask for help they can’t ask for. I came on this board when I got my terminal diagnosis. Of course, in some ways, I knew it was fine to be upset and not unreasonable to feel angry. What I didn’t share was the occasional suicidal feelings I was having. People responding, people caring, random internet strangers who came together more than any of the blood relatives I have left (both of a blessing and a curse that I’d lost both the people who raised me before I got my diagnosis). I know there’s a life-limiting illness board, but it’s a lot slower, and if I hadn’t received any responses… I don’t know what I would have done. That thread convinced me to take up photography again. It forced me to start an Instagram (I felt like a dinosaur, even though I’m YOUNG!). I even started a blog, that I admittedly need to write in more. But if I hadn’t posted on AIBU, I wouldn’t have had the support I needed to get out of bed.
People sometimes come to AIBU because they need to know it’s not unreasonable to feel alone with whatever their problem is, and to feel desperate for someone to just answer. I did. I don’t regret it. Without MN, I don’t know where I’d be right now. But none of these photos would exist without the thread I started at my darkest time, and the people who posted in it.