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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are these behaviours fundamentally irritating?

93 replies

Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 20:56

Name change again as outing.

Please help to give me objective feedback. I’m a pretty patient person - especially with DC but finding DP really irritating.

In a 15 year relationship with one DC (middle childhood). I am finding DPs behaviour utterly irritating. I’m finding myself screaming into pillows and digging my nails into my own hand just to release some tension. I err on the side of being too critical and am trying to not to be - so keep it in. DP can’t cope with me even letting them know I’m feeling irritated - they feel judged and hurt and get really angry. They say I’m intolerant but I’m not sure if I am or if they are just difficult to live with…

They:

  • talk loudly on the phone whilst walking around the house - even sitting down to dinner whilst talking on the phone.
  • long lectures/speeches on a subject of their choice without asking you anything. Im talking a good 15 plus mins constant talk with no feedback from me.
  • telling me I’m wrong when I know I’m right. Recent example - they could smell a certain smell. Told me I had sprayed the thing that makes the smell - I said I hadn’t. They said ‘you must have’. I had to say it about three times before they accepted it. Another example is discussing a trip. Them wanting to squeeze in ‘X’. Me saying we dont have time. Them insisting we do until I spell it out how long the journey will take etc.
  • going into cupboards/drawers etc and leaving them open.
  • ‘storing’ stuff on the floor (e’g. Clothes, books, electronics) rather than in cupboards or even just a table or chair.
  • sitting with shoes on in the house then tucking foot up under other leg so outdoor shoe is on sofa/chair cushion.
  • in arguments or when telling DC off, goes on and on and on. Repeats self. Brings up past misdemeanours (in his eyes). Like half an hour is nothing.

I could go on but won’t. Am I just intolerant or would most people find these things difficult to live with? I’m not perfect and I’m sure I have irritating habits too, we all do, but are these beyond the norm or do I need to get a grip?

YABU - I am intolerant and need to find inner peace

YANBU- those behaviours would irritate most rationale humans with perhaps a few exceptions.

Thank you in advance
Smile

OP posts:
caranations · 24/02/2022 20:59

Are you married to my husband as well?

It all sounds very familiar and incredibly draining. DH is currently talking loudly on the phone and pacing back and forth. Aaarghhh.

Bdhntbis · 24/02/2022 21:04

My DH does that on the phone and it really irritates me so I always ask him to leave the room if he’s on the phone.
The 15 minute monologue and telling child off for 30 minutes would be quite unbearable for me. My DH can go on a bit when making a point so I end up interrupting him and asking if we’re having a conversation or is he making a speech, it’s got worse as he’s got older

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:05

I feel your pain Caranations. Perhaps we should suggest they live together for a while to see if they also find it irritating. Is he open to feedback about it or do you quietly seethe too?

OP posts:
Acheyknees · 24/02/2022 21:05

When my DP walks into the room talking loudly on the phone. I immediately stop what I am doing and leave the room. If he follows me into another room, again I get up, stop whatever I am doing and leave the room.

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:07

Bdhntbis

Are we having a conversation or are you making a speech is brilliant! How does it go down? My DP would get really offended and angry. I may try it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:08

Acheyknees

Does he notice? Does it stop him? I don’t think my DP would even register it!

OP posts:
givethatbabyaname · 24/02/2022 21:08

OMG I couldn't cope with any of those things. I thought I had it bad with a DH who just rests lids on jars/bottles etc rather than screwing them back on.

But this list . Poor you.

BantersaurusSex · 24/02/2022 21:11

@Annoyedtoomuch what is an "outdoor shoe"? Surely there are just "shoes"? Other than that, your DP sounds like my 17 yr old, unfortunately.

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:13

givethatbabyaname - testing lids on jars is an improvement- quite often lids left off jars completely here! Good to know that you understand why I’m irritated!

OP posts:
TwoleftUggs · 24/02/2022 21:15

If any of my family read mumsnet they will be convinced that I wrote this post. You have described my DH, in particular the walking round the house loudly talking in the phone - he wfh and until now has had a desk phone in his office. Acquired a Bluetooth headset recently and now the whole house is his office. I can’t bear it. Have started to sing, or shout loudly to DC upstairs, or bang pans around when he comes near, just to try and shoo him away. We also get the long-winded berating of children bringing up past mistakes he made, things they did wrong, world history (this is when we know it’s going to be a long one).. Just tell them off and get on with it. They stopped listening hours ago!

Liveforyourself · 24/02/2022 21:15

I am with you op , feels like you are describing my dh. Whenever I am doing something he always contradics me and then when I turn out to be right dh is grumpy Confused.

Before you ask ,he is not open to feedback. I get irritated and just tell him off sometimes. I honestly feel I shouldn't have to do that but I am usually overworked and at the end of my therter. Its very annoying.

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:15

BantersaurusSex. Ha ha. Yes. Good point. Not sure why I emphasised that they are outdoor shoes! I know a couple that have indoor shoes rather than slippers so may be that’s why.

Yes. It does feel a bit adolescenty at times. Sad

OP posts:
Liveforyourself · 24/02/2022 21:16

I ment End of my tetherGrin

EmmaH2022 · 24/02/2022 21:16

Re "- talk loudly on the phone whilst walking around the house - even sitting down to dinner whilst talking on the phone"

What happens when you tell them not to?

What happened to manners? Just reading that has made me cross!

RandomBasic · 24/02/2022 21:16

Doesn't sound like you like this person. Why do you have to spend time with them? Apart from financial reasons?

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:17

TwoleftUggs

Sorry you have this too but I was worried that this would be a bit outing but clearly not!!!

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 24/02/2022 21:18

@TwoleftUggs

If any of my family read mumsnet they will be convinced that I wrote this post. You have described my DH, in particular the walking round the house loudly talking in the phone - he wfh and until now has had a desk phone in his office. Acquired a Bluetooth headset recently and now the whole house is his office. I can’t bear it. Have started to sing, or shout loudly to DC upstairs, or bang pans around when he comes near, just to try and shoo him away. We also get the long-winded berating of children bringing up past mistakes he made, things they did wrong, world history (this is when we know it’s going to be a long one).. Just tell them off and get on with it. They stopped listening hours ago!
X post I don't know how you live with this.
Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:19

Liveforyourself thanks for the solidarity. Sorry you are dealing with the same.

OP posts:
Bdhntbis · 24/02/2022 21:19

@Annoyedtoomuch in all fairness my DH takes it quite well when I say that to him. I’ve also asked him if he realises that the phone line transmits his voice or if he thinks he needs to shout so that the person can hear him through the house etc

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:21

EmmaH2022

Thanks for asking. I mentioned the incident at dinner today and they were upset and hurt - angry that I was ‘judging them’. Couldn’t work out why I would find it irritating and I couldn’t really articulate why. I just know it made my blood boil.

OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 24/02/2022 21:22

Do you feel he's taking you and your marriage for granted, OP?

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/02/2022 21:24

Does he think he is king of the castle and that everybody else in the house is some kind of prop in his theatre of life?

Fuck that.

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:24

Bdhntbis. That’s great if he’s open to the feedback. It’s not being able to say that’s causing me misery. If I could just say it without him feeling so hurt and getting angry I could move on. It’s the keeping it in that’s making it hard but I’m trying not to ‘nit pick’ and trying to be less critical as that’s the thing they find hard about me.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 24/02/2022 21:25

@Annoyedtoomuch

EmmaH2022

Thanks for asking. I mentioned the incident at dinner today and they were upset and hurt - angry that I was ‘judging them’. Couldn’t work out why I would find it irritating and I couldn’t really articulate why. I just know it made my blood boil.

Sorry, is that the child or the partner?

If it's the child then go into their room and have a loud conversation on the phone.

If all this is the DP, why are you with them? Sorry. If an adult thinks this is reasonable behaviour, I'm not sure what can be done.

Original poster
Annoyedtoomuch · 24/02/2022 21:27

Not ‘king of the castle’ type really. Don’t feel taken for granted either. Good questions though. Good to reflect on those things.

Looks like these behaviours are pretty much universally irritating so far. So the next question is ‘why?’ What is it about these behaviours that makes them so unbearable?

OP posts:
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