Or are these behaviours fundamentally irritating?

[Annoyedtoomuch]

Name change again as outing.

Please help to give me objective feedback. I’m a pretty patient person - especially with DC but finding DP really irritating.

In a 15 year relationship with one DC (middle childhood). I am finding DPs behaviour utterly irritating. I’m finding myself screaming into pillows and digging my nails into my own hand just to release some tension. I err on the side of being too critical and am trying to not to be - so keep it in. DP can’t cope with me even letting them know I’m feeling irritated - they feel judged and hurt and get really angry. They say I’m intolerant but I’m not sure if I am or if they are just difficult to live with…

They:

• talk loudly on the phone whilst walking around the house - even sitting down to dinner whilst talking on the phone.
• long lectures/speeches on a subject of their choice without asking you anything. Im talking a good 15 plus mins constant talk with no feedback from me.
• telling me I’m wrong when I know I’m right. Recent example - they could smell a certain smell. Told me I had sprayed the thing that makes the smell - I said I hadn’t. They said ‘you must have’. I had to say it about three times before they accepted it. Another example is discussing a trip. Them wanting to squeeze in ‘X’. Me saying we dont have time. Them insisting we do until I spell it out how long the journey will take etc.
• going into cupboards/drawers etc and leaving them open.
• ‘storing’ stuff on the floor (e’g. Clothes, books, electronics) rather than in cupboards or even just a table or chair.
• sitting with shoes on in the house then tucking foot up under other leg so outdoor shoe is on sofa/chair cushion.
• in arguments or when telling DC off, goes on and on and on. Repeats self. Brings up past misdemeanours (in his eyes). Like half an hour is nothing.

I could go on but won’t. Am I just intolerant or would most people find these things difficult to live with? I’m not perfect and I’m sure I have irritating habits too, we all do, but are these beyond the norm or do I need to get a grip?

YABU - I am intolerant and need to find inner peace

YANBU- those behaviours would irritate most rationale humans with perhaps a few exceptions.

Thank you in advance

pickingdaisies

I feel like it says that he feels that what he has to say is more important than anything else too but he’d be horrified by that idea. If I don’t listen or say I’m not interested then he gets annoyed that I’m ‘cutting him off’. Ido feel like it’s white make privilege to be honest. That assumption that what you have to say is worth saying and that everyone should listen but if you knew him you would never think he was that arrogant. And he’s great at listening in some contexts - work/old ladies at the shop etc!!

We had a massive argument about him lecturing DC for ages. He is much better now because I was very adamant about it. That was priority number 1 in terms of addressing some of the harder bits of family life. Still a bit lectury but better than it was.

@Annoyedtoomuch

saraclara

takes foot off sofa

(that's exactly how I sit, and MN hates me for even wearing shoes indoors, never mind forgetting to kick them off before I tuck my foot under my other leg on the sofa)

Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you feel bad! It’s your sofa so do what you want!! I think this is an area I could work on being more easy going to be honest.

God no don't choose that as an area to back down on, it's dirty to put your shoe that's walked through god knows what on your sofa where people sit!

Blinkingheckythump

Ha ha ha. I’ll keep it on the list but tackle the more pressing things first then.

@saraclara

takes foot off sofa

(that's exactly how I sit, and MN hates me for even wearing shoes indoors, never mind forgetting to kick them off before I tuck my foot under my other leg on the sofa)

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone put their shoes on a sofa in real life. Presumably you only do this in your own home, though, so it’s nobody else’s business.

However, out of curiosity, doesn’t it feel dirty/create stains? Or do you just not think about it?

@Annoyedtoomuch

pickingdaisies

I feel like it says that he feels that what he has to say is more important than anything else too but he’d be horrified by that idea. If I don’t listen or say I’m not interested then he gets annoyed that I’m ‘cutting him off’. Ido feel like it’s white make privilege to be honest. That assumption that what you have to say is worth saying and that everyone should listen but if you knew him you would never think he was that arrogant. And he’s great at listening in some contexts - work/old ladies at the shop etc!!

We had a massive argument about him lecturing DC for ages. He is much better now because I was very adamant about it. That was priority number 1 in terms of addressing some of the harder bits of family life. Still a bit lectury but better than it was.

When you tell him about the things that bother you, do you feel like you can have conversations? Is he listening to what you’re saying and taking it on board?

As I’m having difficulty reconciling the idea of an allegedly lovely empathetic partner with one who talks over you and is angry at any criticism. These traits seem mutually exclusive.

My DH can go on a bit when making a point so I end up interrupting him and asking if we’re having a conversation or is he making a speech, it’s got worse as he’s got older

I must remember that come back. Mine is fucking shocking. Its like being lectured.

Are you menopausal? I only ask as my tolerance has massively decreased since I’ve hit this stage. Fucking whistling my DS likes to do sends me into a rage 😬

I am going against the grain here clearly but: apart from the lectures at dinner, which sounds appalling you sound incredibly intolerant to me tbh.

More to the point you sound like you just don’t like him and are wound up by everything he does.

Are you only with him because of the children/financial aspect? These are not nothing so I don’t want to minimise but honestly it sounds like you would be better off splitting. I cannot see why remaining in a relationship so fraught with irritation and resentment is improving either of your lives.

However, out of curiosity, doesn’t it feel dirty/create stains? Or do you just not think about it?

My sofa is a very forgiving colour and fabric. But I don't do it deliberately. I do kick my shoes off if I remember and think about it. But sometimes I don't. I'm very absent-minded, and I only wear very comfy shoes, so it's not like I'm desperate to kick them off for reasons of comfort.

Sweetlikejollof

It’s ‘states’ rather than ‘traits’ here I think. At his core he’s a decent, kind, empathic person who wants to be a good dad and a good husband. In his calm and mindful state he can take on board feedback if it’s delivered carefully. If he picks up any hint of annoyance or irritation it triggers him to be defensive, angry and blaming. It’s a both/and situation rather than an either/or I think.

I’m quite critical at times so try not to be as he finds it hard so I want to check to see if some of these things I’m being too irritable about or if they are inherently irritating to most. Which it seems they are. In which case I’m justified in mentioning them. I just need to work out how to do it so he can listen.

(Oh, and I do get my sofa cleaned very regularly)

Whyisitsodifficult

I am and my tolerance has deteriorated. Partly why I wanted to get other perspectives because sometimes tiny things give me the rage. But the things I’ve mentioned don’t feel like I’m being OTT and my irritation feels justified. But who knows?! Hence getting other views. HRT is def helping though. I think he’d be under the patio otherwise!

@Annoyedtoomuch

Sweetlikejollof

It’s ‘states’ rather than ‘traits’ here I think. At his core he’s a decent, kind, empathic person who wants to be a good dad and a good husband. In his calm and mindful state he can take on board feedback if it’s delivered carefully. If he picks up any hint of annoyance or irritation it triggers him to be defensive, angry and blaming. It’s a both/and situation rather than an either/or I think.

I’m quite critical at times so try not to be as he finds it hard so I want to check to see if some of these things I’m being too irritable about or if they are inherently irritating to most. Which it seems they are. In which case I’m justified in mentioning them. I just need to work out how to do it so he can listen.

If he’s only a decent, kind, empathetic person when there’s no hint of negativity, then he isn’t a decent, kind, empathetic person. If any hint of annoyance makes him defensive, angry and blaming…that’s who he is. We’re all lovely when life is lovely, but life isn’t always lovely.

This isn’t what you asked and I’m not going to diagnose your marriage based on one post. However, in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t need to work out how to approach a conversation so your partner will listen to you and not lose their temper. That really sounds quite horrible to me. I’m sorry.

@saraclara

However, out of curiosity, doesn’t it feel dirty/create stains? Or do you just not think about it?

My sofa is a very forgiving colour and fabric. But I don't do it deliberately. I do kick my shoes off if I remember and think about it. But sometimes I don't. I'm very absent-minded, and I only wear very comfy shoes, so it's not like I'm desperate to kick them off for reasons of comfort.

Ah, I see. I’m from a culture where we don’t even wear shoes in the house, so it’s a bit alien to me. But, I get what you’re saying.

thepeopleversuswork

I am considering the future as I’m quite unhappy quite a lot of the time, but I made vows and want to give things my best shot. We are working on things and there has been some improvement so there is still hope I think. I think knowing that others would or do find these things irritating helps me to know that it’s ok to raise them and I’m not being overly intolerant, critical or hormonal.

Sweetlikejollof

You are right. I think in an ideal world he wouldn’t feel so mortally wounded by my feedback but it comes from his childhood experiences of critical parents. He’s in therapy so I’m hoping that helps. From my childhood, I have a tendency towards passive aggression and criticism so that’s my work for myself. In the meantime we have to co-exist so if I can raise these things in a gentle way and at the right time, now I know it’s reasonable to do so, I’m hoping it will have the best chance of working.

(I'm the poster with the DH who rests lids on jars rather than screwing them on. He also leaves drawers and cupboard doors open).

These behaviors are irritating to you because they show a lack of respect for your existence: talking on the phone as though you're not there, talking in person as though you're not there, telling you what's going on in your head as though he knows your head better than you do, using the floor to store stuff as though it's not your floor too, putting dirty shoes on the sofa you have to sit on.

A less controlling partner, or one who cares less about these things, might let them slide. I'm a controlling partner. I HATE these behaviors and when I'm tired and annoyed already, I read into them the above disrespect. When I'm in a good mood and well inclined towards my DH, I see them as annoying foibles that I can let slide.

So, most of it is him, part of it is me. Depends on the day.

Ultimately, I take the long view. It's annoying living with anyone, frankly. Nobody is as neat or clean or tidy as I am (haha). So, better the devil I know. I don't waste any energy getting wound up by these things 90% of the time now. I just know that I have a lifetime of closing drawers that he's left open, knowing not to lift a jar the way a normal human being can because I'm living with a man who doesn't use jars the way normal human beings do etc.

The lecturing and talking on the phone is bang out of order though. Not good. Pick your battles. Personally, I'd find these traits absolutely heinous, totally disrespectful. So rude.

I'm with @Sweetlikejollof, I don't think he sounds the least bit nice.

I think he sounds really awful.

One of the things on your list would be annoying but it is a long list of really selfish inconsiderate behaviour that doesn't take into account even the most basic courtesies of living with others.

The angry blaming if you dare to point anything out is just awful and leaves you walking on eggshells whilst managing your justified annoyance.

Your life reads as so stressful.

I can well believe that you are deeply unhappy a lot of the time.

Surrounded by annoyance, disrespect and utter selfishness.

I think your list would definitely impact someone's mental health.

Your vows have definite value but only to a point.

Living a life of such stress and disrespect dissolves those vows.

I write that and I'm married 30 years soon.

Mind yourself

What’s the chances your DP is on the ASD. spectrum. No insight into noise levels, ruminating about previous conversations/ misdemeanours, sensitivity to smells, talking at you as opposed to you, lengthy speeches about their area of interest, no idea of the impact of their behaviour on others, appears rude to others and no consent of time, ie : tried to fit in x.
Just an observation.

I have blue tooth speakers, eg in the kitchen which I listen to audiobooks on. I normally turn it off if there's a phone call but if someone was loudly on the phone I would turn the volume up and up so they're driven out of the room - where they should be.

Blooming heck ASD is rife - Id fit the above description or maybe I'm just a bit selfish or thoughtless sometimes.

I’m finding myself screaming into pillows and digging my nails into my own hand just to release some tension. I err on the side of being too critical and am trying to not to be - so keep it in.

Think this is where you are going wrong. Try bollocking him instead?

Thanks so much for the replies. Really good to have other perspectives.

In terms of ASD. Yes. I think he is somewhere on the spectrum but if you look at the behaviours that make up the ASD spectrum, most people can recognise one or two in themselves. I don’t think he’d meet criteria for a diagnosis and I think it’s more a white western man thing, rather than a diagnosable condition. I really do. I think he just has this ‘my life and opinions are important’ baseline. He self-challenges these in himself sometimes but when he’s not mindful it’s his default state. He will take a mouthful of food mid sentence and assume that everyone will just sit and wait for him to finish. His social cue radar is poor but I think women are raised to do this - to be mindful of the experience of others - and men aren’t so much (or weren’t).

In terms of him not being nice. He cares deeply about others in a way that most people don’t and would give them the shirt off his back. He wants to be a better person and has lots of good characteristics. It’s just these annoying habits are intolerable for me at times. I’m not perfect. I can be passive aggressive and critical. We all have flaws.

We are progressing. I think. I’ve fought to not hold the entire mental load despite being the main earner and working longer hours so that’s getting better. It took time but he did eventually get it and step up. I still feel hopeful for brighter days ahead. I just need to work out how to deal with the interim.

@givethatbabyaname "Ultimately, I take the long view". Yes, me too.

I could make my husband sound like a terrible inconsiderate person if I just listed things he does that annoys me - his insistence on not rinsing the recycling, the way he's an instant expert on whatever is on the news, or has about three baths a day, or whatever else. But everyone is a pain in the ass sometimes and I'd rather he was my pain in the ass than anyone else's. I think if I was at the stage where i was nurturing a list of grievances and screaming into a pillow every time he sat wrong on the sofa, I would be very concerned about our future as a couple.

Aaaargh. Nope. Can’t do it. Sooooo annoying. He’s a twat. I just commented on something in the garage. Something second hand that he wants me to use. It’s gone mouldy. I said ‘oh no, it’s gone mouldy’. He said ‘it’s only surface mould’ I asked ‘how do you know it’s only surface mould?’ (Probably in a little bit if a clipped tone as I don’t want to use the chair, I want an ergonomic one for WFH and I’m feeling pressure to not buy a new one). He said ‘you can just tell’. I asked ‘how do you know it’s not gone into the foam?’ He then had a go at me for having a go at him. I asked questions!!! FFS. I am at the end of my tether. This is constant.