Or are these behaviours fundamentally irritating?

[Annoyedtoomuch]

Name change again as outing.

Please help to give me objective feedback. I’m a pretty patient person - especially with DC but finding DP really irritating.

In a 15 year relationship with one DC (middle childhood). I am finding DPs behaviour utterly irritating. I’m finding myself screaming into pillows and digging my nails into my own hand just to release some tension. I err on the side of being too critical and am trying to not to be - so keep it in. DP can’t cope with me even letting them know I’m feeling irritated - they feel judged and hurt and get really angry. They say I’m intolerant but I’m not sure if I am or if they are just difficult to live with…

They:

• talk loudly on the phone whilst walking around the house - even sitting down to dinner whilst talking on the phone.
• long lectures/speeches on a subject of their choice without asking you anything. Im talking a good 15 plus mins constant talk with no feedback from me.
• telling me I’m wrong when I know I’m right. Recent example - they could smell a certain smell. Told me I had sprayed the thing that makes the smell - I said I hadn’t. They said ‘you must have’. I had to say it about three times before they accepted it. Another example is discussing a trip. Them wanting to squeeze in ‘X’. Me saying we dont have time. Them insisting we do until I spell it out how long the journey will take etc.
• going into cupboards/drawers etc and leaving them open.
• ‘storing’ stuff on the floor (e’g. Clothes, books, electronics) rather than in cupboards or even just a table or chair.
• sitting with shoes on in the house then tucking foot up under other leg so outdoor shoe is on sofa/chair cushion.
• in arguments or when telling DC off, goes on and on and on. Repeats self. Brings up past misdemeanours (in his eyes). Like half an hour is nothing.

I could go on but won’t. Am I just intolerant or would most people find these things difficult to live with? I’m not perfect and I’m sure I have irritating habits too, we all do, but are these beyond the norm or do I need to get a grip?

YABU - I am intolerant and need to find inner peace

YANBU- those behaviours would irritate most rationale humans with perhaps a few exceptions.

Thank you in advance

EmmaH2022

Ha ha. Yes. DP. All DP. He did eventually see that it might be considered rude but was still upset that I had felt cross with him IFYSWIM.

This is weird!

You are word for word describing my dad
He also never does a proper job and of anything (pretty sure it’s so he isn’t asked again) also buys anything reduced even if he doesn’t need it! Drives me insane!

Sounds obnoxious. I couldn't live with it, especially the endless dialogue.

But you really don't need validation from an online forum. It doesn't matter what other people think. If you find these behaviours difficult to live with then there's a problem.

So the next question is ‘why?’ What is it about these behaviours that makes them so unbearable?

Well isn't it obvious? They are inconsiderate, rude, and lack empathy/ understanding of other people's needs. Of course they are irritating.

You know what is fundamentally irritating? Singular "they". Based on the behaviours you describe (all of which are intolerably annoying), I'm going to guess your partner is male

I started off trying to be gender neutral in my post but it seems the description made it obvious it’s a male I’m talking about and I am female as this is the assumption everyone has rightly made.

So if it was a woman behaving like this, would a man still get annoyed? Does this happen in same sex relationships? I ask, because I am wondering what it is about the behaviour that’s annoying. I feel a bit like it’s me getting a bit ‘grrr’ because some of it seems like it’s white male privilege showing up. However, it’s not that kind of marriage. We split child care and house stuff. I earn more and work more hours. He takes on more of the house stuff. So he’s not misogynistic by nature. His values are that we are equals in every way. I’m rambling now but just trying to work out why these behaviours infuriate me/us.

TheOccupier

Crossed posts. Ha ha. You are indeed right! But why was that obvious and why is it like that?

I think most people have irritating habits, I'm sure he's got a list about you

cookiemonster2468

This is just it though. He’s very considerate and empathic in lots of ways. Caring profession. Really thoughtful dad (bar the lengthy lectures which he has accepted isn’t great and is working on it). This is why he gets so hurt and angry when I get irritated. He feels I’m judging him harshly when he’s actually a decent guy. Yet, I can’t help feeling utterly irritated by some of his behaviours.

Momicrone

Yes. Indeed. Very true. The two I know are being critical (hence me trying not to be) and buying new things when I could get second hand.

I think being critical is probably universally irritating but the second less so. Yet my list of irritations seems to be irritating to all posters so far.

Would you find those behaviours I’ve described irritating in a spouse/partner/house mate?

@Annoyedtoomuch

Bdhntbis. That’s great if he’s open to the feedback. It’s not being able to say that’s causing me misery. If I could just say it without him feeling so hurt and getting angry I could move on. It’s the keeping it in that’s making it hard but I’m trying not to ‘nit pick’ and trying to be less critical as that’s the thing they find hard about me.

Hmm the thing he finds most hard about you......is (drum roll)....you having an opinion! For god's sake he thinks the little woman shouldn't interrupt his very clever thoughts. What a plonker!

@Annoyedtoomuch

BantersaurusSex. Ha ha. Yes. Good point. Not sure why I emphasised that they are outdoor shoes! I know a couple that have indoor shoes rather than slippers so may be that’s why.

Yes. It does feel a bit adolescenty at times.

Oh poor you. It's bad enough dealing with adolescent behaviour in an adolescent!

You have pretty much described my DP (especially "the whole house is my office") but have left out the bit about driving with only one hand resting lightly on the steering wheel rather than actually holding onto it.

tearinghairout

You have pretty much described my DP (especially "the whole house is my office") but have left out the bit about driving with only one hand resting lightly on the steering wheel rather than actually holding onto it.

He does that too!!! That drives me potty too. He breaks too late and swings round corners too. I try and drive if I can because it drives me potty.

Well so far it seems that I am not intolerant but pretty normal to feel irritated. What do you all do with that irritation? Swallow it down? Say something? Breathe through it? Any tips welcome.

BantersaurusSex
Thanks. I’m dreading DCs adolescence. I may need to take up a very time consuming hobby!

I don't find them all irritating, some, but not the shoes thing or the stuff on floor thing and as for the boring talking thing, I just zone out

Momicrone

I don't find them all irritating, some, but not the shoes thing or the stuff on floor thing and as for the boring talking thing, I just zone out

Yeah. I guess those two are more about me wanting things to be clean and tidy whereas he’s quite untidy and doesn’t care about that stuff so much.

Yes I am more tidy than my dh, but it's all about give and take, I'm not going to get too het up about a dropped towel

Well it's irritating because it's rude, isn't it. There's no 'might be considered' it's just downright rude.

The phone - inflicting his one sided conversation on other people who cant get away from him, because he's aimlessly wandering about. With no consideration that they may be trying to do / listen to something and don't want to hear him. Sitting at the table is rude because you've (presumably he hasn't been cooking and yapping away?) put effort in to making him food, and he's not even acknowledging it.
No doubt one of the DC would get a lengthy lecture if they behaved in the same way? So why does he think it's OK for him to do it?

Long lectures. It's rude to talk at people rather than to them. He's making no effort to see if you are interested, he's not expending any energy looking at how you're reacting because he doesn't care. Which is rude.

Repeatedly telling you you're lying - rude.
Repeatedly telling you you're wrong, without considering they may be wrong - rude.

Cupboards / floor / shoes on furniture - creates unnecessary mess and things that need cleaning. I'm guessing here that the work that is being created is being done by you! Rude. Even if you don't tidy / clean the resultant mess, you're still having to live in amongst their untidyness. It bothers you, he knows this and does it anyway. Rude.

Lecturing the kids. Unnecessary and depending on the form it takes could be actually damaging to them. Shit like this is why I'm scared to try stuff I don't know for sure I'll succeed at - if I knew not succeeding would result in a lengthy discussion of every little misstep I made, since birth to the present day, with detours for examples of historical figures who made the same mistake and how this affected world events then I'd be sitting down, shutting up, and doing fuck all. It's unnecessary, domineering and excessive.

OP,

The behaviour you describe is awful.
Selfish, inconsiderate, self absorbed, and so unbelievably annoying.

Controlling too.

He behaves as selfishly as he likes but then strops and tantrums if you dare complain?

I would suggest you think long and hard about the future.

He sounds so awful and you sound so stressed.

You are not unreasonable to not want this stress level for the future.

I don't think this level of annoyance is normal.

It seems excessive.

takes foot off sofa

(that's exactly how I sit, and MN hates me for even wearing shoes indoors, never mind forgetting to kick them off before I tuck my foot under my other leg on the sofa)

My DH has these tendencies (mainly the talking at me without pausing for response, or to see if I was in the least bit interested). I used to try and put up with it, but life is too short. OP, it's irritating because his assumption is that whatever you are doing is less important than his desire to talk at you. I interrupt now, and if that pisses him off, I say, sorry, my mistake I thought it was a conversation for two. Sometimes, I just hold my hand up and say, sorry I'm really not interested and I'm trying to read/ do wordle. He used to react like yours does, but he's more self -aware now. It's like training a toddler, you have to be consistent, kind but firm, and not get riled up.
I wouldn't stand by and let him berate the kids for half an hour though. Have you tried timing him and letting him know how long he's been going on?
(Tbh if mine was as bad as yours, I think I'd ltb. He's not a team player)

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut
billy1966

It’s validating to hear that. Thank you. I am thinking seriously about the future but don’t want to throw away my marriage without due care and thought. I made vows and I meant them and I’m not easy in other ways. DC has has to come first too.

I think knowing that most people that have responded find these behaviours irritating helps me to feel more like I can raise them regardless of the fall out.

I’m not perfect either and we are working through stuff. Things are changing in other ways for the better so hopefully, in time!

saraclara

takes foot off sofa

(that's exactly how I sit, and MN hates me for even wearing shoes indoors, never mind forgetting to kick them off before I tuck my foot under my other leg on the sofa)

Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you feel bad! It’s your sofa so do what you want!! I think this is an area I could work on being more easy going to be honest.