To be so angry?

[Anothermumm]

Hi MNers,
My DM looked after my DD who is 6mo last night overnight for the first time (she has had her for a few hours before but never overnight). We were in the house but we got back late so she got up with DD for us. We have been sleep training DD recently as she is such a bad sleeper (Please no hate, we have been using a gentle method that works for us and never leave her to cry). My DM told me this morning my DD woke early this morning so she brought her into bed with her. She didn't even try to get her back down in her cot as she said her bedroom was cold. AIBU to be angry about this? I'm annoyed because even I don't have my DD in bed with me anymore since starting sleep training as she was becoming reliant on it (nothing wrong with this if it works for you but it wasn't working for us) and DD is rolling all over the place now, I really don't think it was safe as she just put her on the edge of a single bed with her arm over her to "keep her from rolling off". I've told her I'm not too impressed and she acted all hurt and said she thought she was doing what's best so now I feel guilty like I shouldn't be bothered.

@BlackberrySky

If you want family help, you can't be so rigidly prescriptive about how they give it (as long as it's not unsafe). If you want it done your way to the letter then you really need to do it yourself.

^This is so true and I wish many mums would apply this to their DPs/DHs as well! Too many times I read posts of OPs micro-managing and nitpicking how their DP/DH parents differently.

You are very unreasonable.

Your mum looked after your young baby overnight for you - that’s a rare and generous thing! You have no business criticising her for not following your sleep training regime.

Go apologise to your mum!

Is this a reverse?

YABVU

A baby’s parents doing sleep training with them is not the same as expecting anyone else to, including grandparents. In your situation I’d have been angry if the grandparent hadn’t tried to comfort the baby in the best way they knew how.

Your mum was doing you a favour doing overnight care, especially by getting up while you were there available to do it yourself. You owe her a huge apology, and some gratitude.

She was doing you a favor minding your child AND let you sleep in the next morning? You should be buying her flowers instead of berating her. This is clearly your first child. I hope she never offers to take your child again.

She got up to help so that you could sleep. You need to get a grip and thank her.

So, you are happy to leave your child in a cold room crying. She is doing her best and is being very helpful.

Okay thanks for your input everyone. I will apologise to DM as maybe I was BU. I was obviously being a bit OTT as I've been a bit fraught having no sleep and stressing DD would go backwards after last night!

Thank you to the people who put their point across a bit more nicely than others! It might be worth remembering you don't always know what people are going through and putting your point across in a bit of a nicer way might go a long way to someone feeling supported even if you don't agree with them. Not everyone can agree but everyone can be kind at least surely.

She’s out of routine in a new place. Your DM looked after her as a favour. You can’t berate her for having precious early morning cuddles, they’ll have both loved it. You need consistency when sleep training and that includes the environment. Apologise to your DM. I thought you were going to say she’d tried to give her a coke & chips

@ExactlyThis

Sorry, yabu. If she’s looking after your dc, it’s her rules

Woooow I really don't get this way of thinking. So you have zero say on how your child is looked after by other people? Really?

OP, I get you, however I think it comes down to if you had explained to your Mum what to do when your daughter woke up/the sleep training in general. If you'd said, 'We're not having her on the bed anymore because we think it's best for her and us if she sleeps in her cot, do please don't have her in the bed with you' then you would not be being unreasonable at all to be annoyed that she did that. However, if you never said anything then it does seem unfair to get annoyed at her. If she didn't know not to do it, how would she know not to do it... y'know?

You're not unreasonable to prefer she doesn't sleep in bed with DD but I'd have said this as gently as I could.

She was doing you a favour and what she thought was best. If you're going to accept help from others you do need to accept that they won't always do things exactly the way you would.

My parents don't always do things I like with my DC. But they help me a lot so I keep my mouth zipped about things that in the grand scheme of things aren't huge issues.

Not everyone can agree but everyone can be kind at least surely

Please apply this to how you treat your Mum.

YABU. "She didn't even try" blah blah she woke up and did her best to settle your child. If you're got a strict regime, you can do the waking up and follow through with it.

One night of odd sleep isn’t going to set her back

Would you have been happier for DD to have been put back in s cold bedroom?

Your poor mum.

Cross posted, sorry.

Telling others to be kind when it doesn’t sound like you were kind to your own mum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How kindly did you tell your mum off?

Yanbu for being cross that she put a six month old baby with her in a single bed without a safety rail system or any mitigations to ensure it was safe re suffocation risk.

Yabu for expecting her to follow your routine and do exactly what you would do when she was doing you a pretty massive favour.

YABU, it was one night and your dd is 6 months old. Comfort your baby when she needs it.

Even more U for the 'be kind' twaddle. Typical 'be kind', you've been horrible and ungrateful to your own mum but trot out that rubbish when anyone disagrees.

@Anothermumm

Okay thanks for your input everyone. I will apologise to DM as maybe I was BU. I was obviously being a bit OTT as I've been a bit fraught having no sleep and stressing DD would go backwards after last night!

Thank you to the people who put their point across a bit more nicely than others! It might be worth remembering you don't always know what people are going through and putting your point across in a bit of a nicer way might go a long way to someone feeling supported even if you don't agree with them. Not everyone can agree but everyone can be kind at least surely.

No maybe about it; you were BU. Also not a bit OTT, but very.

Perhaps if you nicely put your point across to people who are doing a favour in the first place, you won’t need to go back and apologise.

I thought having a baby in bed with you wasn't considered safe?

Or is that only up to a certain age?

You sound pretty ungrateful. When my children are with my parents, then they can do whatever they think is best and i dont get involved. Their house their rules. Unless it was something dangerous, then i wouldnt send my children.
Its the same here. I look after my niece one day a week when my SIL is at work. Ive been doing that for 6months and shes 7 months old now. I dont need instructions to put her to bed according to my SILs sleeptraining. I do it the way its easiest for me. I am open and honest about the method and if they dont like it they can find another babysitter. My niece had to be rocked to sleep and my SIL and DB were trying to train her to get her to fall asleep in her cot.
I dont have the time or patience to sit with DN for 45mins (while my own young children cause chaos in the house) when i can just rock her for 5mins.
I told them how i do it and they said its fine. If they didnt like it then i wouldnt watch her anymore. You cant control everything that happens at other peoples houses.

YABU. Look after your own baby if you don’t want help.

Wow your mum ACTED ALL HURT no OP she IS hurt you are being very unreasonable. Apologise to your mum immediately. Can you imagine how your mum feels looking after dgc and because you were to lazy to get out of bed and your dc was safe and looked after and you berate her. Stop being selfish and look after your dc. That way you will not upset anyone else