Estate agent bollocks or Booker worthy prose?

[ParentsandParents]

Came across this brilliant / terrible description of a house on Right Move.

An appealing property that catches the eye from the kerb, offering a heady mix of designer charm with modern practicality.....

and so on and on

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/120291311#/?channel=RES_BUY

Genius marketing or bilge?

The irony being it is in a street called 'Shrubbery Gardens' and I can't see any evidence of either.

Nice house though.

Little or nothing needs doing? Except for updating the 90s decor!

I like the face you have to be a 'keen-eyed' visitor to spot the balcony - most of us wouldn't notice it then?!

Shame they didn't pay so much attention to their spelling though!
"LOCAITON Shrubbery Gardens has everything needed ........"

It’s not the worst I’ve ever read tbf

The decor is very staged. And what is going on with the headboard in picture 7?
They have done away with the garage, which annoys me (where do you put all your 'useful' stuff?).
Also on the floorplan they seem to be suggesting their shed is on the roof.
The estate agent-speak is hilarious. " a unique feature for properties in the area which offers a window to the outdoors from one of the four upstairs bedrooms."

Is having a bedroom window that unusual then?

It's not too bad, the house is nice - OMG! What is that vase? And biscuit tiles, mustard chairs & a marshmallow pink kettle, all in the same kitchen?

Yikes.

Not my taste, but somebody obviously put a lot of love into that house.

The worst I ever saw was being sold by (I think) EweMove. It was written from the perspective of the house, so like "I'm a cosy three bed semi and I can't wait for you to make me your home". I've just had a look on their site and I can't see any written like that so maybe it was one-off or maybe they altered their approach. It was weird, though!

Unless I'm looking at it wrong, the floor plan suggests double leaf doors where the garage door is.

And seeing as that is staring you right in the face I wonder what other little errors there are.

Estate agents usually guild the lily somewhat. That's their job!!
They are very good at photographing tiny rooms to make them look huge 😂 however, if had 1.1 million to spare (I dont) and was looking to move to Winchmore Hill, I think its got plenty of potential

“Modern practicality” would mean more than one bathroom in a 5 bedroom house. There’s a downstairs loo but my new build has more toilets than bedrooms

I genuinely find descriptions like that on overpriced or odd looking properties and yep, clicked on link, and a slightly ugly white cube came up

The house is grand — I like the yellow chairs, actually — but estate agent prose makes me want to kick things.

*generally, not genuinely

@caranations

The irony being it is in a street called 'Shrubbery Gardens' and I can't see any evidence of either.

Nice house though.

You can't blame the estate agent for that though. I do wish developers were banned from naming their estates of new build houses after whatever was on that greenfield site before they dug it up and covered it in concrete and tarmac. The Paddocks which will never again be home to ponies, Hayfield Close that will never again feed them.

It's as funny as the price. Both are ridiculous

Does anyone else also think of Monty Python and the Knights that say Ni when they see an address with "Shrubbery" in it?

I like the look of the outside, the interior looks hideous.......

@MrsMoastyToasty

Does anyone else also think of Monty Python and the Knights that say Ni when they see an address with "Shrubbery" in it?

No, but I will now!

At least that blurb doesn't say 'benefits from', which always makes me want to scream, especially when a house is said to 'benefit from' something as standard as a kitchen or bedrooms.

Estate agents write a lot of rubbish. When we were selling our previous house, we objected to their description of the house being near an "infamous' road. The road they were referring to is well known in our city (in a good way), but "infamous" made it sound like it was a previous hangout of Jack the Ripper!

Nah, this one's better -

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/119637026

I particularly like the leafy views that entreat through the (first floor) window....

@SwelegantParty

Nah, this one's better -

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/119637026

I particularly like the leafy views that entreat through the (first floor) window....

You win....particularly this bilge "In winter, the crackle and glow of the electric log burner set within its ancient stone surround adds a toasty ambience to gatherings."

I was a part time estate agent when I was student so can write estate agent bollocks all day.

A rare opportunity to acquire.....
compact and bijou....
Moments away....
Fourth bedroom / Study........
Charming.....
Convenient for local transport links.....

etc etc

I don't find the upstairs a design delight personally but am happy to be corrected

Saw one today with a Vin Yard.

Goodness, that house hasn't been staged...much! Not an unplumped cushion or a thing out of place. Doesn't look lived in. Even the garden - every pot carefully placed and borders weeded.

The colour scheme though....not for me I'm afraid.