To ask what to do when your toddler laughs at you

[Morechildcare]

I've posted before about my DD 2.5 yrs ruling the roost and am at the end of my tether.

She is great in many ways, will play independently, sleeps well etc. But recently she is so defiant. I've tried the 'gentle parenting' methods and I've tried being 'stern' in my tone of voice. She laughs hilariously at both. She is absolutely gleeful in being 'naughty'. I know you're not meant to use that word anymore but what if they are just being very deliberately naughty and disruptive, rather then 'expressing' something. She's good at nursery 3 days per week, she gets loads of attention from both parents plus grandparents. She's happy in herself. She just delights in not doing as she's asked and making our lives difficult. I'm exhausted by it and some days feel myself getting gradually very angry.

What do I do?!

I feel your pain. Take a deep breath...repeat "this will pass..this will pass"

Don’t rise to it, remember she’s the 2 year old and you’re the adult so you need to model controlling your emotions to her.

You set your boundaries, decide on the consequences and you stand firm on all of it. You also inform any other family members of the rules and the consequences and ask that they abide by those.
Ignore her laughing or taunting. Just ensure the boundaries are kept. One warning followed by a consequence. Do not enter into battle, don’t stoop to their level. You are the adult, you are in control.
You need to be “grey rock”.

At 2.5, I would use more positive than negative. Make things into a race - who can go get their shoes the fastest. Ignore the bad behaviour and carry on with what you had planned to do, and look like you're enjoying it immensely, and they usually get FOMO and join in.

Ignore it. She'll get bored.

I’d decide on strategy and stick to it. Head off as much as you can. Toddlers do fab on routine, long walks to tire her out. Remember she’s two - do you want milk or water not long lists of choices. Mine’s a teen now but I was the stern look, firm no parent. A no nonsense voice - wellies on it’s time for the park chop chop type approach not negotiating do you want to wear your wellies, ok I’ll get blue ones from the car, please put wellies on, mummies sad, we won’t be able to have fun. If you aren’t listening to mummy then we’ll have to go home and go home not empty threats. Reigns. I can’t be doing with all the fannying around about making good choices, kind hands. She’s 16 and a nice none scarred individual. I treat dog in same way now 😂

This is the “terrible two’s” phase. The emergence of Will! Exhausting isn’t it. I recognise the ‘gleefully naughty’ description from my own children.
Ime there wasn’t really anything that ‘worked’ during this phase, it was just about getting through it with good humour as much as possible, even if this involved more chocolate and wine than usual.
Be persistent with your no’s and stop it’s, I used to ask nicely a certain. Number of times, then ask with increasing sternness, then ‘if you don’t stop this I’ll have to confiscate your favourite toy for two days’ would be the next step. It didn’t really work as a deterrent but might have instilled a sense of repercussions.
I think the trick is distraction and moving swiftly on, not to get stuck in dwelling in the conflict zone, especially if they are enjoying the drama.
Sympathies!

Btw it does feel as if they are laughing at you. But don’t get hung upon that, I think that’s an adult interpretation. It’s more like a dominance move, you know like when your cat or dog sits right on your chest so you can’t move. It’s part of them bonding to your team and jostling for alpha position. I think if you behave like Cesar Milan the children feel secure while they’re testing your boundaries, but test them they must, it seems.

I also very much agree with ignore the bad praise/give attention to the good approach.

I have one like this. Google tells me they have no impulse control age 2, but it's the fact that they laugh at you when you say not to that makes me suspicious of this theory. Like I say stop, cars, she looks at the car mawhaha ha ha she says, then runs in road. Very tough. I suppose it's just they don't understand the consequences.

I would say pick your battles. My red line is drawing on the sofa / walls, running In the road. I'm trying to do the look and check for cars training. There have been many grab moments, me shouting and definitely not being a gentle parent. I get a lot of sympathetic looks and even comments when Dd is doing a full on kicking and screaming lying down on the floor tantrum. It's exhausting.

If my DS was like this then I've blocked it out, he is a very quiet and cautious nature now.

Ignore it, she's looking attention so hoping you'll react whether it's nice or being told off.

It will pass, it will pass... and repeat!

Thank you for the advice and the commiseration! I remember being stopped in my tracks by a stern look from my parents. Maybe 2.5 is too early to expect this!

'Kind hands' and 'listening ears' are greeted with derision. I'm one step away from turning into a fish wife so thank you for the reminder that I need to model emotional maturity..... she must not reduce me to tears. Repeat.

I can deal with the tantrums now I'm used to them and they've lessened with more vocab. It's the utter contempt for mummy that gets me!

Idle hands really are the devil's work with toddlers I think. Keep her busy, slow things down so she can 'help', teach her how to press the buttons on the washer and pour powder, let her help with food prep, be outside the house a lot too. This helps a lot with mine.

Otherwise natural consequences if you can. If she misuses a toy, it gets put away out of reach for the rest of the day. If she won't put her shoes on, she can't go out, she doesn't put her plate in the sink she can't have her fruit, she tips her drink over she can only have water for the rest of the day.

What type of scenarios is she actually misbehaving in?

Sounds like a typical 2 year old. They are exploring a whole new world and are not known for reasonable 😀😀 I didn't realise we are not supposed to say "naughty" anymore, why is that?

Yes I agree behaviour is better when I've managed to tire her out. Recent storms haven't helped with the amount of exercise she needs.

She refuses to get dressed, she refuses to keep her hair bobble in (crazy hair), she picks up her muddy wellies and runs around the house in them, she climbs on the dining table, she runs into the road if not firmly clamped to me and knows cars are dangerous, she throws things if annoyed, melts down if not allowed something, runs away at bedtime, totally ignores me if asked to do something (selective deafness), hits if really annoyed at some perceived injustice and bangs her head deliberately if I try to ignore. I can't let her bang her head so she knows I come running. That's just for starters.

I think the no naughty thing comes from gentle parenting. The idea that all behaviour is communication. Which I don't think gives toddlers enough credit for how manipulative they can be....

Also - she only exhibits this behaviour with me. A little with my husband but less so. Angelic with others in my absence.

Reins, physically restraining them eg the running in the house with the dirty wellies.
Lots of praise got good behavior.
Immediate consequences for not doing as told.
Mine are older teens now. I don’t remember gentle parenting being a thing.It probably was but I have forgotton. I do remember a friend with a very willful 2.5 year old Dd. She could be very naughty at playgroup. She got one warning and then it it happened again they went home. Within a short period of time he daughter was much better.
And distraction eg sit down and take it wellies and we can build a fort/have a snack/make a cake.
Children like boundaries - it makes them feel safe and cared for. They might push against them but stand firm. You are in charge. Gentle parenting may work for some personality of children - maybe it doesn’t for your DD

Sounds like testing boundaries which is what toddlers love! Also seems (reading between the lines) that you perhaps shout or attempt to tell her off or threaten things without actually ever following through? Running into the road seems a bit scary! I wouldn't worry about the laughing itself, but maybe think about how you react to it, and why she isn't listening to you as presumably it happens when you ask her to do something. You can still have fun and enjoy things with her with boundaries in place. Good luck!

I’m surprised at everyone saying your DD’s behaviour is perfectly normal. Yes 2 year olds push the boundaries, tantrum etc but I’m sure with my kids the ‘contempt for parents’ phase didn’t come into play until the teenage years!

Change tack.
Try a different approach.
Maybe look up playful parenting? Worked really well for my DD.

With the head banging, as hard is that is i would move here somewhere safe eg a sofa or carpet and then just walk away. She will stop if it hurts or if you are not there to witness it.

She sounds very active. If weather is bad then going swimming, trampolining indoors can be good idea.
I’d pre empt as much as you can - lay one outfit out. Haircut so no bobble needed. Wellies put away as soon as you come in.
The running into road thing I personally think 2 is too young to be trusted near road. They are too young to understand dangers, can’t judge traffic speed until age 10 ish and risk too great. I used reigns but they do those backpacks now with a lead on. I wouldn’t have tolerated running into road once. There’s an older mumsnetter whose toddler DD sadly died when she slipped her hand and darted into road.

''Terrible Twos'' - sometimes till they are a year or two older as well!

@dr.martha.psychologist on Instagram has some great posts on this

OP -

The fact that your DD saves this behaviour for you is actually a compliment. You are the one she feels most secure with. Although I realise this is a cold comfort, and hope there may also be some useful tips for you here.