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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what to do when your toddler laughs at you

60 replies

Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 14:10

I've posted before about my DD 2.5 yrs ruling the roost and am at the end of my tether.

She is great in many ways, will play independently, sleeps well etc. But recently she is so defiant. I've tried the 'gentle parenting' methods and I've tried being 'stern' in my tone of voice. She laughs hilariously at both. She is absolutely gleeful in being 'naughty'. I know you're not meant to use that word anymore but what if they are just being very deliberately naughty and disruptive, rather then 'expressing' something. She's good at nursery 3 days per week, she gets loads of attention from both parents plus grandparents. She's happy in herself. She just delights in not doing as she's asked and making our lives difficult. I'm exhausted by it and some days feel myself getting gradually very angry.

What do I do?!

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Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 15:04

Thank you. I do think Dr Martha is interesting but do any parent experts admit that sometimes kids are just delighting in winding you up?!

I was a stubborn child but I was also quiet and bookish. Think I'm struggling to deal with fact that my daughter is the one hanging from the roof tops, not in the corner playing quietly Grin. She is quite the character though and full of life. On good days, she's great Smile

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Casheeeew · 24/02/2022 15:05

Placemarking as I'm too gentle I think. DS never got told no when he was tiny, and now he's a toddler and he has zero understanding of the word. He acts like one of those island birds that's never been around a predator before 😁

SpiderVersed · 24/02/2022 15:07

I can't let her bang her head

Yes, you can. She won’t hurt herself, she’s not stupid. She’s doing it to provoke a reaction from you. Leave her to it and it will soon stop.

I tended to walk into the next room, personally. A tantrum needs an audience.

knows cars are dangerous

No, she doesn’t. You have told her they are but she doesn’t understand what that means in reality and is no more significant to her than you telling her to tidy up. If she’s a kid who runs, you use reins. If she pitches a fit in public, just stand there without eye contact, ignoring it until it stops.

Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 15:07

@PinkSyCo have you every experienced an eye roll from a 2 year old? Smile

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stuntbubbles · 24/02/2022 15:12

She refuses to get dressed, she refuses to keep her hair bobble in (crazy hair), she picks up her muddy wellies and runs around the house in them, she climbs on the dining table, she runs into the road if not firmly clamped to me and knows cars are dangerous, she throws things if annoyed, melts down if not allowed something, runs away at bedtime, totally ignores me if asked to do something (selective deafness), hits if really annoyed at some perceived injustice and bangs her head deliberately if I try to ignore. I can't let her bang her head so she knows I come running. That's just for starters.
She sounds a lot like mine! Definitely needs lots of exercise and tiring out. Two year olds have very little control over anything – their environment, their activities – so will try to exert some, eg with not getting dressed. So why does she need to get dressed or wear a hair bobble? Pick your battles.

I give mine the illusion of some control with her choosing her clothes and her hairstyle. Which many days means nude at home, or PJs to nursery, or a party dress on a muddy day – but so what? Let her do her thing here.

The muddy wellies thing would have the wellies removed and a time out. She’s big but not so big I can’t pick her up and make it a firm no, and then relocate to elsewhere in the house. Instead of giving her time out – because she treats it like a game and giggles – I give us a time out. We go to her room for quiet time and I leave her alone. She then behaves nicely because she wants the attention or to go back downstairs where it’s more fun. Distraction and relocate.

Twicklette · 24/02/2022 15:15

Praise, praise any good behaviour. Ignore bad behaviour. Schools have behaviour policies. They do not have punishment policies. Teachers are taught to praise good behaviour, hence the mantra, catch them being good.
Everyone knows whispery teachers that have no discipline problems because they garner respect even from tiny children.
Model good behaviour and they will eventually copy it.

DysmalRadius · 24/02/2022 15:22

I agree that it sounds normal, but you have to take responsibility for actively preventing the more dangerous or undesirable behaviour. Don't leave muddy wellies where she can get them, use reins to stop her running into the road. Otherwise, pick your battles - let her have her hair how she wants and wear what she wants, ignore headbanging (mine used to do it, only hurt himself once and it was the last time he used it to try and get his own way!!) and walk away if she runs away from you so you don't get into the 'game'.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/02/2022 15:28

@Morechildcare

Yes I agree behaviour is better when I've managed to tire her out. Recent storms haven't helped with the amount of exercise she needs.

She refuses to get dressed, she refuses to keep her hair bobble in (crazy hair), she picks up her muddy wellies and runs around the house in them, she climbs on the dining table, she runs into the road if not firmly clamped to me and knows cars are dangerous, she throws things if annoyed, melts down if not allowed something, runs away at bedtime, totally ignores me if asked to do something (selective deafness), hits if really annoyed at some perceived injustice and bangs her head deliberately if I try to ignore. I can't let her bang her head so she knows I come running. That's just for starters.

I would jist physically make her do what I'm telling her to do or not to do. Climbs on the table...gets lifted straight back of and held until she doesn't do it again. Won't get dressed...I would dress her myself. Putting dirty wellies on and running around the house... take wellies of and put them somewhere she can't reach them. Running into the road....reigns or strapped in a buggy until she stops that. Hits you.... restrain her hands. Honestly you are a grown up, much bigger and stronger than he.
Thatsplentyjack · 24/02/2022 15:32

I hate the "ignore that bad behaviour" advice. As a parent you cannot just ignore bad or dangerous behaviour. Its your job to teach them it's not ok and atop them from behaving that way.

itsgettingweird · 24/02/2022 15:32

Have you tried ignoring and/or walking away?

I'm a firm believer that dealing with bad behaviour needs to be dependent on the person you're dealing with Grin

So give a clear instruction "don't do x". If she laughs and does it walk away. My betting is that she will be confused by this and start to follow you. She may even try and draw your attention to what she's done.

You can try "I'm aware of what you've done but I'm not talking about it" and engaging her is something else.

A friends of mines dd sounded very similar to yours. After many discussion and reading we talked about whether just ignoring was ok (it's hard because people do judge you).

But it worked. She hated not having attention and very began to seek positive attention.

navigatingcrumbs · 24/02/2022 15:32

@DysmalRadius there is no way ok earth my DD who is just two would tolerate me putting reins on her. She would scream, punch, flail around on the floor, maybe even bite. She wore the backpack ones when younger (I'd say from one, as she walked just under 11 months) but no way now. I know a lot of children around my DD's age and I think reins are mostly only used for new walkers, not 2 year olds.

I actually worry my neighbours will report me for child abuse when I try to put her in the pushchair to do the school run. We get in the stale mate when she doesn't want to get in the pushchair and won't walk either.

My child won't wear her coat then fine, she's the one without a coat on. Distraction sometimes works so I can put it on, but honestly there are just some children that are nightmares at times spirited!

itsgettingweird · 24/02/2022 15:34

@Morechildcare

Yes I agree behaviour is better when I've managed to tire her out. Recent storms haven't helped with the amount of exercise she needs.

She refuses to get dressed, she refuses to keep her hair bobble in (crazy hair), she picks up her muddy wellies and runs around the house in them, she climbs on the dining table, she runs into the road if not firmly clamped to me and knows cars are dangerous, she throws things if annoyed, melts down if not allowed something, runs away at bedtime, totally ignores me if asked to do something (selective deafness), hits if really annoyed at some perceived injustice and bangs her head deliberately if I try to ignore. I can't let her bang her head so she knows I come running. That's just for starters.

Ignore the head banging.

My ds used to headbang (he's autistic) and I was oetirified he'd injure himself.

Camhs told me you can headbang yourself to serious injury - the same way you can't drown yourself (without the help of mind numbing substances)

KatieMaurice · 24/02/2022 15:53

In Denmark they don’t have “terrible two’s” but they have a “pushing of boundaries” stage. Sometimes it helps to change our language around things. When you see it as a developmental stage and see your role as holding good boundaries and modelling emotional regulation it’s a very different mindset from “terrible two’s”

One thing to remember is that dc have tantrums when they are hungry/tired/over stimulated etc, and so do we! So take care of your needs by eating well, prioritising sleep (as much as possible in the circumstances) and not setting your expectations too high.

But don’t be too rigid either. I’d let the hair bobbles go (they might be giving her a headache). She really doesn’t know that cars are dangerous in the way you do - so you might want to be much stricter or use reins.

I found that mine responded to a physical correction quicker than a verbal one. So, for example, if one of mine was supposed to wait at the gate but ran up the road, I would take them back to the gate and show them where I wanted them to stand (and then praise them “yes, just like that”) even if it meant doubling back. I wouldn’t bother to give out - because ultimately they want the reaction. I’d act like they just hadn’t understood. And they’d usually fall into it because doing the right thing was getting a lovely reaction.

They’re trying to press our buttons and figure out how we work. So cut power to the buttons we don’t want pushed, and boost the power to the ones we do.

It takes huge energy and patience to do this. And it’s doubly hard when our own parents relied on stern looks and punishments like shame, shouting, naughty labels and steps, or slaps. You can only do what you can do. But it really does come back to looking after your own needs so that you can give the best of yourself.

Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 15:55

I understand the principle of ignoring or leaving the room but she would literally launch herself off the sofa or climb on the table if I left her....

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Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 15:59

Yes so true. I often find myself tired, hungry and therefore lacking in patience. Must do better.

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Howareyouflower · 24/02/2022 16:26

When I was child minding, one of the children was the same with his parents. My advice to them was not to give him the opportunity to say no. So it was "We're going home now. Do you want to put your shoes or coat on first?" Alternatively, when it was home time, his Dad would just go to the child and put his coat on without comment (though sometimes at first I'd need to give the child "The Look". It worked with that child, good luck with yours! Generally as well, I'd advise ignoring the behaviour you don't want, and praising the rest!

StormTreader · 24/02/2022 16:28

Is a short haircut an option, like a pixie cut or a bob? The hair bobble might be one issue you can get around by just removing the need for one if she really dislikes it that much.

Morechildcare · 24/02/2022 16:37

She has masses of beautiful curls which i am loathe to chop. Without a bobble they are a snot encrusted/food encrusted mess and hair washing is another ordeal in itself....

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Ionlydomassiveones · 24/02/2022 16:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RainbowBridge21 · 24/02/2022 16:45

Get a pair of earplugs and a book and ignore her. She wants your attention so don't give her what she wants I guess?

LondonJax · 24/02/2022 17:21

We used to use the 'surf board' carry (or over the shoulder) if DS had a tantrum or, like your DD, climbed on something he shouldn't have.

He'd get one warning - 'get off the table please', then lifted down and removed from the room if he didn't do as he was told. We'd go off and do something else - usually a bit boring for a few minutes so he'd recognise he got fun if he behaved. Then, if we went back into the room and he behaved it was 'good boy, that's exactly what you do in here. Let's build a castle/race your cars' or whatever he enjoyed doing as a reward for being good.

DS had a wrist rein when he was 2.5 years old - we'd sometimes do proper reins too but used to play horses with them (wore him out at the same time - double result). He never resisted them as he saw them as something fun.

I think you have to pick your battles with kids. The hair bobbles could be swapped for a hair band if it's just a case of keeping the hair clean. Or a scrunchy. Hair bobbles can really hurt sometimes, I remember them well...a tight scrunchy may work better?

As for hitting...the minute DS hit or bit we'd stop whatever we were doing. A quick 'we don't hit/bite/kick' and a stern face with no chatty talk for a minute or two was enough. It wasn't ignoring them, more like a flattened response rather than the 'happy mummy' response he was used to. It only lasted a minute or two at most. It's more a time out than a punishment just to give DS a chance to register that he'd done something beyond naughty. Then we'd gently reiterate that you must not hit/bit/kick, it hurts and it makes mummy sad. Then a cuddle and carry on.

We were out during the week and heard a mum saying to her toddler 'come here xyz....come here....no not in the puddles....no over here...come here' this went on for a good minute or so and we were right on the edge of a car park. Cars coming and going all the time with the toddler having a great time running from mum. DS said to me 'you'd have picked me up after the first couple of come here's wouldn't you mum' and gave me a cuddle. Too right I would.

Outwiththenorm · 24/02/2022 17:26

Pick your battles. I still have to remind myself of this and DS is 3.5 now and much more reasonable. I found ‘say yes as often as you can, but when you say no, mean it’ sooo helpful. It made me consider if I was just saying no for the sake of it and expecting too much. E.g. Does it really matter if DS climbs on the wall on the way home, as long as he can do it safely? (Even if it makes the walk 100x longer 🙄) However in his naughty stage DS bit me on the bum once, giggled but then howled when I yelled Nooo at him. I really meant it - it hurt and he never did anything like that again.

It sounds like you have your non-negotiables so stick with enforcing those, ignore the other stuff, and add more non-negotiables as your DC gets older.

stuntbubbles · 24/02/2022 17:32

Honestly, pick your battles and make a choice – you’re at the end of your tether, you want her to wear a hair bobble, she doesn’t want to: in this case I really would let her have it her way. Give her some autonomy over her hair; it’s hers.

DD is a curly girly too and equally inclined to bathe in peanut butter and resist hair washing, and tbh I just let her get on with it. Sunday night hair wash once a week, one battle a week. The rest of the time she can be a snotty tangled dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards mess: she’s playing hard and she’s happy. No way am I going to play hair bobble on/off a dozen times a day, and dirty hair never hurt anyone.

ChocolateMassacre · 24/02/2022 17:55

I used to picture dropping my DS (who also went through a 'pushing boundaries' stage) into a vat of very sticky slime and leaving him stuck there just long enough to enjoy a cup of coffee and some cake in peace. Meanwhile, I'd be practising my "this is not funny" face.

gingerhills · 24/02/2022 17:56

I used to say, I need you to X right now because if you don't it makes my life difficult and that makes me cross. Do you want this mummy (smile at her) or [genuinely stern face and voice] a very cross and grumpy mummy?
Happy or grumpy?

My two nearly always said happy. Very occasionally if they kept messing around, I might snap and say, 'Right. I warned you! I am now very grumpy and tired!' Then I'd stick them in the playpen and go and have a breather for a couple of minutes. Which IMO is fine. You can't have them being tyrants.

And they need to learn their behaviour has an impact on others. I used to tell them that too: 'If you are naughty when I am nice to you, it makes me grumpy instead. If you want people to be nice, you be nice to them, not naughty.' They got it.

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