To ask what to do when your toddler laughs at you

[Morechildcare]

I've posted before about my DD 2.5 yrs ruling the roost and am at the end of my tether.

She is great in many ways, will play independently, sleeps well etc. But recently she is so defiant. I've tried the 'gentle parenting' methods and I've tried being 'stern' in my tone of voice. She laughs hilariously at both. She is absolutely gleeful in being 'naughty'. I know you're not meant to use that word anymore but what if they are just being very deliberately naughty and disruptive, rather then 'expressing' something. She's good at nursery 3 days per week, she gets loads of attention from both parents plus grandparents. She's happy in herself. She just delights in not doing as she's asked and making our lives difficult. I'm exhausted by it and some days feel myself getting gradually very angry.

What do I do?!

@Morechildcare

I understand the principle of ignoring or leaving the room but she would literally launch herself off the sofa or climb on the table if I left her....

And???? If she climbs the table and doesn't have an audience there's no point.

If she throws herself off the sofa and lands in a heap with no audience - again - there becomes no point.

Some really great advice here thank you. I need to take a deep breath, have some time to myself and then implement it!

The sofa/table thing - I'm worried she'll hurt herself! She has no sense of danger and I'd rather avoid A&E (again)!

My son was like that and improved naturally at around age 3.

He is still quite... "wild" sometimes but now at nearly 5 he is easier by far.

I hate having my hair tied up , I find it really uncomfortable, just cut her hair short.
She sounds like 90% of toddlers but it sounds like you are taking her behaviour personally. If you go to a playgroup you’ll see that they are pretty much all the same, two years old do hit out and throw things when they are annoyed or upset. It is rare that they are still doing it at three or four.

I don't have tons of advice as whilst my DD sounds a similar personality in some ways, she's not a very physical child so we didn't have much issue with jumping/climbing etc. The running by the road thing has only just reared its head now at 3.5 would you believe hah.

My few tips:

• Hair - get the chop. It's causing you all stress - you're stressed that it's dirty? She hates having it washed, tied up etc. If she was a boy would you be insisting she suffers through all that? Get it cut as short as possible, problem solved. We did this btw. My DD has a pixie cut which she loves. No more battles, 10 seconds to brush, couple of mins to wash (no tears anymore), few mins blow drying. Sorted.
• Road running - reins, or pram, or buggy board, or holding your hand. Non negotiable even if that means screaming flailing being wrestled into pram or held - we have all been there before! She will soon get the message if you mean what you say. Also 'we will go home right now if you don't hold my hand' is an option and follow through. She will learn. I've had to do this just once recently with my 3.5 yo, I have also had to do the 'get on the buggy board right now or we are not going any further' because she was running off too far ahead before. It does work, they will protest but so be it, their safety is the most important thing.
• We do a stern count down when she's not listening/doing as asked, we count to 5 and if at 5 it's not done/she hasn't listened we will either do it ourselves/leave the room/whatever is relevant. We only do it if we've already asked like twice and we warn her clearly what is going to happen once we reach 5. They learn quickly too, my cheeky DD basically always waits until 4/I'm about to say 5 before she does as asked but she very rarely doesn't do it at all.
• In general I've always done a lot of 'we can't do x until we've done y' which I've found generally helpful. Plus distraction. Entice her off the table with a fun activity?

I couldn’t safely take eyes off ds at that age. He was never out of my sight unless he was asleep or with another adult.

Put the focus on teaching her how to safely climb down from things (backwards on her tummy). I realised it was a losing battle to try and stop mine climbing but they got the hang of getting down early.

@PinkSyCo

I’m surprised at everyone saying your DD’s behaviour is perfectly normal. Yes 2 year olds push the boundaries, tantrum etc but I’m sure with my kids the ‘contempt for parents’ phase didn’t come into play until the teenage years!

Oh course, because 2 year olds don’t feel “contempt” for their parents and laughing when being told off doesn’t indicate contempt!

@tara66

''Terrible Twos'' - sometimes till they are a year or two older as well!

My nephew didn't grow out of the terrible twos until he was about 7 🤣

On to ignore/not ignore bad behaviour, my nearly 3 year old went through a phase around 2yo to get attention by sticking her fingers so far into her mouth that she would start gagging.
She probably got a lot of fuss the first time as I thought she was choking and she wanted it again. She once actually made herself throw up.
No amount of calmly removing her hands and asking her not to do it or sternly telling off made a difference. When I just walked out the room as soon as she started, it stopped. DH was still there but she never did it for him. I would just say "I don't like you doing that and I'm not going to watch". She v quickly stopped when it no longer got her the reaction she wanted.

See also biting only me, hitting me (and later baby sister) when she doesn't get her way, even things I don't control.

Sometimes they are being wilfully naughty to test boundaries, and yes it's because they see you as safe but that doesn't make it any less frustrating or upsetting.

DD absolutely models sulky teenage behaviour, down to hands in pockets, slouching, sighing and rolling eyes. I have no idea where she's got it from!

@Morechildcare

Some really great advice here thank you. I need to take a deep breath, have some time to myself and then implement it!

The sofa/table thing - I'm worried she'll hurt herself! She has no sense of danger and I'd rather avoid A&E (again)!

This is likely what she's feeding off.

Get on table = great reaction from mum.

She'll be reading your body language as well.

If she can climb on them she very likely quite safe when there.

Just tell her - I'm not watching you do that. When you get down I'll come back.

No one wants their kids hurt but it took my ds falling and cutting his chin to finally stop climbing on the kitchen worktop to reach a bowl instead of asking for help.

Some kids just never see the danger until they experience it.