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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH saying see if we can afford another DC means no/never

64 replies

Dunitagain · 23/02/2022 21:33

We're an average income/expenditure household with 1 DC. We have no near by family so would need to pay for childcare. We don't live in London. I think it'd be tight but not unaffordable, AIBU? I get the impression he's not wanting to say no because he knows I would love another and doesn't want the argument. I'd rather he be upfront and say no because xyz than use finances as a reason until he thinks of another?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dunitagain · 24/02/2022 06:15

Not sure if this posted

OP posts:

icklekid · 24/02/2022 06:16

Wait until youngest gets 15/30 free hours and have discussion without all the pressure on finances?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 24/02/2022 06:16

Why don't you ask him directly? Sounds like he's concerned about money, but if you don't ask you'll never know.

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 06:22

Hmmm... I think it valid. Babies and childcare us expensive and impacts standard of living.
Petrol utilities and good are all on this rise...
Trading off pros and cons to family life with a +1 is a conversation my dh and I are having initially now with a view to deciding at year end.
Its totally sensible.

Id say Average salary can mean anything.
Honestly if you dont qualify for gov help and salary top ups it's financially difficult.

Why don't you just do a proper budget and show him it's affordable?

lucylucyapplejuicy · 24/02/2022 06:30

I get you OP I have 2 DC but would really really love one more. DH says the same 'we will see' this is due to finances, being mid renovation on our house, childcare bills that make your eyes water and the general cost of living going up. I kind of feel like 'we will see' is better than a no as who knows what the future holds. I do agree though it's so important to have your finances and living situation sorted before having another x

Someonemustknowtheanswer · 24/02/2022 07:30

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

Snoken · 24/02/2022 07:48

It's perfectly reasonable, actually advisable, to first do a proper budget and factor in increasing petrol, food, interest rate and utility costs to see if you can actually afford it. If there is nothing left over for another child (including the childcare bill), then you can't do it. You would then have to look into downsizing or increasing your hours/change jobs etc.

Readytogogogo · 24/02/2022 07:50

'How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?'

Wtf? How can you think this is s reasonable thing to comment?

OP, I agree with PP, do the budget and see what DH says

Smartiepants79 · 24/02/2022 07:51

Well it’s a fair enough concern and one that more people should pay attention to in my opinion.
However why don’t you just say to him- just tell me if you definitely don’t want another, I’d rather know so I can get my head around it.
See what he says.

Cotswoldmama · 24/02/2022 07:51

The cost of child care is why I have a 3 year and 3 day age gap between my boys! Could you afford a second if you factored that in? I'll be honest it was a struggle even with the 30 hours free childcare but it evened out once my eldest was in school.

TeenPlusCat · 24/02/2022 07:52

@Someonemustknowtheanswer

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

Oh don't be daft. If everyone thought like that humans would be all dead in 100 years.

scornrufibarbis · 24/02/2022 07:52

I’d say it’s reasonable and sensible with the state of the economy right now. Prices have been rising a lot in the last 2 years and set to go up more. Lots of instability with covid and now Russia. Children and babies are expensive.

We made the choice for a 3rd (born end of 2019) on the basis it would be tight but doable and we’ve definitely started to reach the tight end of tight. We’ll be fine but definitely not as comfortable as we predicted.

gogohm · 24/02/2022 07:55

If the gap is 4 years ish you will be on maternity leave when the eldest starts school, this worked out perfectly for sil as they didn't have to use childcare for most of the first year of school when they are tired. Anything smaller is hard for 2 working parents

wingscrow · 24/02/2022 08:03

Not the best idea to want to have another kid with a partner who sounds reluctant for whatever reason...

I think it is sensible not to want to have to struggle for years financially but there is probably also the fact that he simply does not want to go through the drudgery of having a baby again.

You can always try to plan something long term: wait until your first child is a bit more grown up , build savings by working too/getting a better job so you can help the family finances.

PumpkinPie2016 · 24/02/2022 08:04

I certainly think finances should be carefully considered before having any dc. I have one - we have a very good standard of living but it would have been compromised if we had decided to have another. For a whole host of reasons, we didn't have a second.

I think you and your husband need to have an honest discussion- is it finances bothering him or does he not want another child? That's the first question.

If finances, make a budget as things stand and then factor in the additional costs. That will show whether it is feasible or not.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 24/02/2022 08:07

You both need to sit down and work out a budget as if you have two children. There is a big difference between 1 and 2 children.

PainterMummy · 24/02/2022 08:24

Agree with Duracell above. You need to sit down and work out a budget. Consider immediate and long term costs. That includes housing - do you have enough room for two? Ie 3 bedrooms? Think about money during your maternity leave and your current financial position / obligations.

BeeDavis · 24/02/2022 08:41

But finances is a good reason not to have another one, isn’t it? 😵‍💫

Unmumsymofo · 24/02/2022 09:01

@Someonemustknowtheanswer

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

I have some sympathy with the sentiment, the worlds messed up. But as far as I can see the stupid people keep on breeding!! It sounds egomaniacal but if you have any stake in the future I would like my offspring to be part of it.

AfraidToRun · 24/02/2022 09:42

I grew up in a house that struggled financially and it really messed me up. I think it's an important consideration however if he actually means no, not in any circumstances then he should say straight. Work out a budget see if it's doable and go from there.

thewhatsit · 24/02/2022 09:44

How old is your first child?

ChiselandBits · 24/02/2022 10:03

As others have said, look at spevfic figures
How much would it cost, how much will you lose during mat leave? Then add a maybe10-20% margin for further increases in costs and see what the bottom line looks like

merryhouse · 24/02/2022 10:16

@Someonemustknowtheanswer

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

The state of the world has been awful for at least as long as I've been alive.

WindyState · 24/02/2022 10:21

Do you have a proper budget worked out, including plans as to what you would do if one/both of you lost their jobs?

Children are eyewateringly expensive, working out whether you can afford children is a pretty important part of deciding whether to have them.

Qwill · 24/02/2022 10:26

I think this absolutely reasonable. I too would love another one, but am concerned about finances especially with everything going up at the moment. It’s a really tough decision as we could have a great life as we are or it be tight adding to the family. Maybe being financially comfortable is better, it will be less stress and we can give our current everything. I’m worried I’m being selfish, so I can completely see where your husband is coming from.

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