To think DH saying see if we can afford another DC means no/never

[Dunitagain]

We're an average income/expenditure household with 1 DC. We have no near by family so would need to pay for childcare. We don't live in London. I think it'd be tight but not unaffordable, AIBU? I get the impression he's not wanting to say no because he knows I would love another and doesn't want the argument. I'd rather he be upfront and say no because xyz than use finances as a reason until he thinks of another?

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

People didn't stop shagging during the Blitz did they?
Don't be ridiculous

@romany4 😂
people didn't stop snagging in the blitz did they?

Thank you, first thing that's made me almost laugh today

shagging 😂

@MyDcAreMarvel

Children are eyewateringly expensive They really aren’t if you look after them yourself especially after the 1st child.

You clearly don't have teenagers yet.

And weren't working before you had DC.

Dunitagain

Bloody autocorrect!!

@Someonemustknowtheanswer

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

I used to say stuff like that 30+ years ago, before I had an unplanned pregnancy and my first DC. War in Afghanistan had just begun and I couldn't believe I was bringing a baby into this awful world.

Well now I'm much older and can see that every generation throughout history has its challenges to face. My parents and inlaws lived through WW2, my grandparents lived through 2 world wars. When I was a child we had the cold war and the threat of nuclear war - complete with public service announcements about what to do in the event of a nuclear attack. We've all just been through a pandemic. There's always a good reason to not have children, but people quite naturally are driven to reproduce.

@Dunitagain

Thanks everyone. DC isn't even 1 yet and we've always said if we have another we'd want a 3 year age gap for childcare and sanity reasons.

The poster who said he's between a rock and a hard place and no one can confirm exact what he's thinking is probably right.

To those reminding me of the state of the world, I'd written this before it was confirmed in the media that there was a full scale invasion of Ukraine possibly kicking off nuclear war/ww3 with a delusional russian narcissist. I definitely don't want another until this risk has gone/steps down a few notches.

If you're referring to covid, I'm in the crowd who think it'll just be another 'flu' with annual vaccines.

If you're referring to climate change, I'm in the Boserup crowd. (Don't know who that is, use Google).

Boserup promulgated her theory way before climate change was identified as the problem it is now. Her theory is that you need a certain population density to achieve agricultural innovation. Climate change is totally different.

Not saying that climate change is a reason for you not to have a child (personally I think consumption is the problem, not population growth per se) but don't think that it is linked to anything that Bosreup ever wrote.

If you have a 3/3.5 year gap, your dc1 would be in their free preschool hours for your maternity leave (assuming you take a year) then you'd be going back to work as your dc1 starts school. If you can find a childminder who does the school run, they often do discounts for siblings.

But the birth rate did drop massively during WW2 for a variety of reasons. I constantly see the current low birth rate compared to that of WW2.

But if its a deal breaker for you, be clear to him now that you want more than 1 dc, you don't want a massive gap, so if its a definite "no" from him he owes it to you to be honest and say so as soon as possible so you can decide if you can come to terms with just having one or leaving in order to have the chance of a 2nd with someone else.

Id be clear that while I might be able to come to terms with "no" being told early, I definitely would consider it unforgivable to string along with "maybe" in a hope leaving it long enough would make me give up on the idea / make a small gap impossible even if I left.

@romany4 There's a lot more going on than just war at the moment. It's not something you should ignore selfishly because you're desperate for a baby. That baby is going to have to grow up and live in the world and parents are responsible for that decision. But let's all stick our heads in the sand because we want a cute baby and 2.4 family.

@Twicklette

But the birth rate did drop massively during WW2 for a variety of reasons. I constantly see the current low birth rate compared to that of WW2.

Men of reproductive age were away fight or dead. It’s hard to reproduce if you’re in a different country.

You need to work out your five year finance plan

Make a spreadsheet with your income and all your monthly costs at the moment.

Then add in a second child in three years, with changes in income and extra costs.

Then you can see if you can afford it and whatever life changes you need to make to afford it.

Only you can say if you can afford it

He is saying another child will be unaffordable, you say you "think it would be tight". He has a valid point about not rushing into another child unless you are both sure you cannot afford it.

Surely the answer is just to do your sums and work out if it can be done?

When would you want another, start with both your current incomings and outgoings, other large expenses such as car(s), keeping a reasonable safety net for increases in mortgage and utilities, and overlay with maternity leave, how long would you need to pay child care, afterschool costs, costs of activities. Add things it is important to both/either of you to keep such as holidays, going out costs, hobbies etc.