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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH saying see if we can afford another DC means no/never

64 replies

Dunitagain · 23/02/2022 21:33

We're an average income/expenditure household with 1 DC. We have no near by family so would need to pay for childcare. We don't live in London. I think it'd be tight but not unaffordable, AIBU? I get the impression he's not wanting to say no because he knows I would love another and doesn't want the argument. I'd rather he be upfront and say no because xyz than use finances as a reason until he thinks of another?

OP posts:
Piggyk2 · 24/02/2022 10:28

How old is your DC now?

Have you had previous conversations on how many children you would both like ideally?

LuckyAmy1986 · 24/02/2022 10:37

How can you look at the state of the world at the moment and honestly want to bring more children into this?

Same. There is no way I would have kids right now. I love DC but boy do I regret brining them into this world. If I could go back I wouldn't. However, that's not what this thread is about! You need to ask him to be honest with you about this. Does he just not want another (which you will have to respect) or is he genuinely worried about finances. In which case, do you think it could work? if so, work out how it would and show it to him.

Moonface123 · 24/02/2022 10:37

l would go for it, don't overthink it.

LuckyAmy1986 · 24/02/2022 10:40

l would go for it, don't overthink it

What? She's not sure her DH wants another! Confused

newhairday · 24/02/2022 10:42

@Moonface123

l would go for it, don't overthink it.

What...even though DH says he isn't sure 🤯🤯

Joinedforthis22 · 24/02/2022 10:51

What's your reasons for wanting another? How would it improve yours, DH and your existing child's life to have another? These are just questions to think about it, but I'd look at a pros and cons list and really figure out why you want to have another child.

pollygartertidywife · 24/02/2022 10:54

I wasn't aware the ability to work out a household budget could not be done without benefit of penis ..come on OP.. you don't need your DH to 'tell you' you can or cant afford it.

Would either of your parents help out with child care. ? Could you move closer to give you more support ?

Gizacluethen · 24/02/2022 11:39

I'd rather have one child and be comfortable than two and live to a budget. So it's not about if you can actually afford it. But whether you can still enjoy life and afford it.

passionfruitpizza · 24/02/2022 11:41

That's how I feel. I'd love another child but it's only happening if we win lottery. It's not fair on any of us with current finances and our lives would be worse in many ways. I'm not 100% ruling it out but it's probably not happening.

WindyState · 24/02/2022 11:45

@Moonface123

l would go for it, don't overthink it.
Just awful advice.
toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 11:45

Finances, particularly when everything is so uncertain at the moment, should be something everyone should be considering when planning an extra child.

Chely · 24/02/2022 11:45

He's buying time, give him it. Review in a year or two.

itsnotdeep · 24/02/2022 11:49

Well I agree that you need to understand the budget and finances too - then you can work out whether he's got a point.

And it needs to be a long term assessment - if you have a baby, you'd be on maternity leave - costs of that. Childcare if you go back to work - expensive. Future holidays, housing, food (it's fucking expensive) and then of course the teenage years and beyond - really expensive.

Ultimately if he doesn't feel comfortable with the expense, then you can't force him to have a baby.

MyDcAreMarvel · 24/02/2022 12:00

Children are eyewateringly expensive
They really aren’t if you look after them yourself especially after the 1st child.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 12:11

If you look after them yourself you are losing a salary

MaryAndHerNet · 24/02/2022 12:15

He right.
If you can't afford it, dont do it.

And if your relationship is such that any discussion would lead to argument and he's avoiding those arguments, you're probably not really in the best places for 'tight' money concerns.

Bear2014 · 24/02/2022 12:22

We have a 4 year old and an 8 year old. We definitely could not have afforded to have them both in nursery at the same time, and we're relatively high earners. There's no getting away from the fact that kids are expensive. Half term just gone, we spent £300 to have them both in holiday club. Wraparound care and hobbies are expensive. We're already saving for further education, etc. But nothing could have stopped us from having a second child, we both really wanted to. The state of the world has deteriorated massively since I got pregnant with him 5 years ago, so not sure we would have felt exactly the same now.. you both do need to agree though. Is it just the money or are there other reasons he wants to stop at 1?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 24/02/2022 12:28

@Moonface123

l would go for it, don't overthink it.
It is actually quite a big decision, unless you're a rabbit.
Googlecanthelpme · 24/02/2022 12:33

What you’ve asked is “does my husband mean X or Y” but no one can know that on here.

If my partner said “lets wait and see” then it would mean exactly that. Because we openly communicate and we say what we mean.
He wouldn’t say one thing but secretly mean another.

Only you would know if your husband speaks his real mind or just tries to keep the peace / have an easy life.

2 kids is expensive, I pay about 1500£ for full time childcare and that includes free hours.

Eightiesfan · 24/02/2022 12:34

This is a difficult one and I can see both points of views. If your husband is worried about the financial strain of another child but at the same time does not want to upset you he’s between a rock and a hard place. Like you I would rather have a straight no than have the idea of a maybe dangled in front of me.

AllOfUsAreDead · 24/02/2022 12:50

@MyDcAreMarvel

Children are eyewateringly expensive They really aren’t if you look after them yourself especially after the 1st child.
Yes because everyone can afford to drop a salary. Are you always this daft?

You're going to have to actually review your income and outgoings together op, and factor in a second child. Just sitting around thinking about it isn't going to prove you can afford another one. Your husband is worried you can't, if you want another you have to prove you can afford another to get rid of those worries.

konasana · 24/02/2022 12:53

@MyDcAreMarvel

Children are eyewateringly expensive They really aren’t if you look after them yourself especially after the 1st child.
Mine would cost me £55k/year to look after if I stopped working to do it full time.
Original poster
Dunitagain · 24/02/2022 13:56

Thanks everyone. DC isn't even 1 yet and we've always said if we have another we'd want a 3 year age gap for childcare and sanity reasons.

The poster who said he's between a rock and a hard place and no one can confirm exact what he's thinking is probably right.

To those reminding me of the state of the world, I'd written this before it was confirmed in the media that there was a full scale invasion of Ukraine possibly kicking off nuclear war/ww3 with a delusional russian narcissist. I definitely don't want another until this risk has gone/steps down a few notches.

If you're referring to covid, I'm in the crowd who think it'll just be another 'flu' with annual vaccines.

If you're referring to climate change, I'm in the Boserup crowd. (Don't know who that is, use Google).

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 14:07

Some of us are also referring to rising costs which are being impacted by many things at the moment

WindyState · 24/02/2022 14:15

@MyDcAreMarvel

Children are eyewateringly expensive They really aren’t if you look after them yourself especially after the 1st child.
They really are.