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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not think its right to bouble barrell child's name after divorce?

85 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 15:44

Parent A (female) and B (male) split last year. No affairs, no DV. Parent A felt B checked out of marriage and family life despite repeated requests to change didn't so instigated split. Parent B doesn't agree obviously felt blindsided by split and initially hoped they'd get back together. Now has new partner.

They have 2 DSs aged 7 and 2. DSs are with B every other weekend and 1 midweek for tea every week.

Split is not amicable in that they do not get on, all communication is by email, they handover on the doorstep, its still quite fraught.

A legally changed her name a few months ago. It's not her maiden name but a name she has chosen that has meaning to her. Oldest DS is upset that he no longer shares the same name as mummy. She's had discussions with him about double barrelling and DS likes that idea so she has asked B to agree with her new name being first.

B doesn't want to agree as he feels it's a wider pattern of punishing him and wanting to erase anything to do with him in As life (impossible as they share DCs). Is scared to say doesn't agree as likely to result in contact being messed with.

Both parents are friends of mine but this is causing massive issues (and in the wider group) as the issue is just being spoken about all the time.

I've lost my temper with both of them this week because well I'm just sick of the whole thing.

A has text me this morning to say

"I'm disappointed that you as a mother cannot see the importance for DC1 to feel connected to both of his families by sharing a name. We have been friends for many years and I expected more from you in terms of support. Its clear that your desire to not take sides between me and B is resulting in you taking his side. I think until you can see reason it's best that we hit pause on the friendship"

I have known A for 15 years and met B through her (so known him 12). I never married my DCs father and gave them both my surname.

I admit I don't understand the importance of it. I don't think a 7 year old can really be that bothered or understand the intricacies of changing a name.

AIBU? Am I missing something massively fundamental? As a child is having a different name to one parent really that traumatising?

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 23/02/2022 15:46

YANBU. If it’s that important to her child why doesn’t she double barrel to have both. That way she can have her child’s name and her new one.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/02/2022 15:48

YABU

Why on earth shouldn’t the child share a name with both parents if they want to?

GeneLovesJezebel · 23/02/2022 15:50

Maybe she should have kept the same name as her children, or double barrelled herself.
And before anyone says it’s her ex’s name, it’s also her children’s name, the ex doesn’t own it.

SmellinOfTroy · 23/02/2022 15:52

Oldest DS is upset that he no longer shares the same name as mummy. She's had discussions with him about double barrelling and DS likes that idea

YABU - why shouldn't the child have both parents names - especially when they WANT to??

Suprima · 23/02/2022 15:53

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

They have 2 DSs aged 7 and 2. DSs are with B every other weekend and 1 midweek for tea every week.

Split is not amicable in that they do not get on, all communication is by email, they handover on the doorstep, its still quite fraught.

Both parents are friends of mine but this is causing massive issues (and in the wider group) as the issue is just being spoken about all the time.

I've lost my temper with both of them this week because well I'm just sick of the whole thing.

A has text me this morning to say

I have known A for 15 years and met B through her (so known him 12). I never married my DCs father and gave them both my surname.

I admit I don't understand the importance of it. I don't think a 7 year old can really be that bothered or understand the intricacies of changing a name.

AIBU? Am I missing something massively fundamental? As a child is having a different name to one parent really that traumatising?

I think your A’s response is fair, respectful and I agree with her. Why shouldn’t they double barrel? She will be doing the bulk of the child rearing- it makes sense.

I’d pause on a friendship with you too. You seem far too involved for her to text you that and I don’t really know why.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/02/2022 15:53

Traditionally in double barrelling the mother’s name goes first, and the last name is seen as more important

LadyDanburysHat · 23/02/2022 15:54

YABU the child wants to have a name that inlcudes both parents. And frankly it doesn't matter who ended the marriage or why

Bdhntbis · 23/02/2022 15:58

I can understand why she’d want to and why the child would want to; it really bothered my DSD to have a different name to her mum.
However I do think you need to accept that in a situation like this you can’t remain in the middle and you have to pick which person you want to continue a friendship with.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 15:59

The DS (in my opinion) has the habit to say whatever which parent he's with him at the time wants him to say so I'm a bit sceptical that he is absolutely distraught about it. Indeed he has a tendency to just agree with whoever is asking him anything (child or adult) so I'm not sure how much weight can be put on that.

But then I admit I might be missing something. I don't know anyone who as a child felt that strongly about their name being different to a parent and I knew/ know many with different names.

A obviously feels very strongly about it and that's making me question what I'm missing I suppose other than a vague well why not

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 23/02/2022 16:02

So A has chosen a completely different name, has discussed this with the children, and B is now being guilt tripped into agreeing to the change?
A is now guilt tripping the OP with the twee and frankly controlling 'pause on friendship' which is basically, 'you're not doing what I want so I'm not talking to you till I decide to'....

SpiderVersed · 23/02/2022 16:06

Why would you care what your friend's 7yo wants to call himself? If he has a double-barrelled name that's n o skin of anyone's nose. He stil;l has his Dad's surname (as well as his Mum's surname too, now).

LesLavandes · 23/02/2022 16:06

In divorce, I kept my married surname as my children wanted me to and I wanted the same surname as my children. To change your name to something completely new and expect all parties to be happy with this double barrelled name is ridiculous

MichelleScarn · 23/02/2022 16:09

I expected more from you in terms of support. Its clear that your desire to not take sides between me and B is resulting in you taking his side
And re-reading op A just sounds petty, she doesn't want OP to do the mature thing and not 'take sides', it's As side or that's friendship over?

mrsm43s · 23/02/2022 16:11

Mum shouldn't have changed her name if it was that important to her son that she kept the same name as him. Very selfish of her to put her wants above his needs. There was no reason for her to have changed her name at all, and I imagine her children would have preferred the exact same name as both parents. It's a bit rich for her to be arguing that he has the right to the same name as her when she deliberately changed her name from being the same as his. He had the same name as her - she took that away by changing her name!

Ultimately though, its up to the 2 parents to sort this out between them, and its not up to you to get involved, so I'd back off.

MsPavlichenko · 23/02/2022 16:12

I did not change my name. DC (adults) have father’s name. Never made any difference to them or me before or after split. One has my name as middle name and at about 18 started using both. But at end of the day it’s only a name.

Movingsoon21 · 23/02/2022 16:13

Another thread showing why women absolutely should not automatically change their name when they marry, or automatically give the kids the dad’s surname…

frazzledasarock · 23/02/2022 16:14

I thought a child couldn’t possibly understand the implications of changing surname. And ignored her.

My DC us patiently waited till she turned eighteen and changed her surname to mine and DH’s. Completely removed her fathers name as per her wishes as a child.

You’re DC have your name. You obviously felt strongly about it when it came to your child’s name.

Why are you so invested in your friend not double barrelling her child’s name? The ex is not losing out his name will remain she’s adding her on too.

Sally872 · 23/02/2022 16:15

A wants her child to also have her name. That is not u reasonable. She would be unreasonable to remove current surname or if the child didn't want to change but if child agrees then I think it makes sense. Father is objecting as "he feels punished" needs to grow up and Co parent.

SmellinOfTroy · 23/02/2022 16:16

@mrsm43s

Ultimately though, its up to the 2 parents to sort this out between them, and its not up to you to get involved, so I'd back off.

You have no idea why she doesnt want his name any more?

Ursusmajor · 23/02/2022 16:16

YABU. Child should have both parents’ names.
Also there’s no fucking point in ´parent A’ and ´parent B’ when you’ve said that A is female and B is male. Call them Mum and Dad and make your post ten times clearer for readers.

SmellinOfTroy · 23/02/2022 16:17

@LesLavandes

What all parties? 2 parents and a child - if the child wants it then the child should be able to make that decision

IVflytrap · 23/02/2022 16:18

I don't see how double-barrelling the DC's name will "erase" () Parent B. Does B not know what double-barrelling actually means? His child will literally still have his surname.

Sounds more like he's trying to erase A if anything, by not wanting his DC to share a name with their own mother, while also ignoring his DC's wishes.

People are really strange about double-barrelling surnames. It's the most egalitarian way of naming children, and yet so many people have such strong negative feelings about it.

Holskey · 23/02/2022 16:20

YABU
You're not being a very good friend to dismiss A's desire because it wouldn't be important to you. You also seem too opinionated and invested.
Further, IME nobody likes it when their friend doesn't pick their side in a split.

Ohwowhoho · 23/02/2022 16:20

YABU. I know quite a few people who double barrelled their name after parents got divorced.

I changed my surname to my Mums when I was a teenager. Luckily my DF gave permission or I would have had to wait until I was 18. I actually think it is important.

Peachtoiletpaper · 23/02/2022 16:20

YABU why would it make any difference to the child if he is happy to add another name? How is it removing the father from his life if it's not omitting his name? The child's life won't change in any way.

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