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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think its right to bouble barrell child's name after divorce?

85 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 15:44

Parent A (female) and B (male) split last year. No affairs, no DV. Parent A felt B checked out of marriage and family life despite repeated requests to change didn't so instigated split. Parent B doesn't agree obviously felt blindsided by split and initially hoped they'd get back together. Now has new partner.

They have 2 DSs aged 7 and 2. DSs are with B every other weekend and 1 midweek for tea every week.

Split is not amicable in that they do not get on, all communication is by email, they handover on the doorstep, its still quite fraught.

A legally changed her name a few months ago. It's not her maiden name but a name she has chosen that has meaning to her. Oldest DS is upset that he no longer shares the same name as mummy. She's had discussions with him about double barrelling and DS likes that idea so she has asked B to agree with her new name being first.

B doesn't want to agree as he feels it's a wider pattern of punishing him and wanting to erase anything to do with him in As life (impossible as they share DCs). Is scared to say doesn't agree as likely to result in contact being messed with.

Both parents are friends of mine but this is causing massive issues (and in the wider group) as the issue is just being spoken about all the time.

I've lost my temper with both of them this week because well I'm just sick of the whole thing.

A has text me this morning to say

"I'm disappointed that you as a mother cannot see the importance for DC1 to feel connected to both of his families by sharing a name. We have been friends for many years and I expected more from you in terms of support. Its clear that your desire to not take sides between me and B is resulting in you taking his side. I think until you can see reason it's best that we hit pause on the friendship"

I have known A for 15 years and met B through her (so known him 12). I never married my DCs father and gave them both my surname.

I admit I don't understand the importance of it. I don't think a 7 year old can really be that bothered or understand the intricacies of changing a name.

AIBU? Am I missing something massively fundamental? As a child is having a different name to one parent really that traumatising?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 16:50

They both being dickheads and I thought - clearly wrongly - that our friendships were strong enough that I could disagree with either of them and it be OK.

OP posts:
Shamoo · 23/02/2022 16:50

Well YABU and at first I thought this must be a reverse but I see it’s not.

You are also being a hypocrite if your kids have your name!

A doesn’t sound like she’s managed it all brilliantly, but B sounds like an utter dick. And obviously a double barrelled surname does not erase him. He’d have lost me at that.

Sweetlikejollof · 23/02/2022 16:56

YABU. I’m not seeing the problem with double barrelling, from either your or his perspective? How does that remove him from the kid’s life?

Also, you seem to understand a father wanting his kids to have his last name, but not a mother wanting the same. Why is that?

Sweetlikejollof · 23/02/2022 16:57

And obviously a double barrelled surname does not erase him. He’d have lost me at that.

I know! The lack of logic is baffling. How is that even an argument?

QuirkyTurtle · 23/02/2022 16:57

So no good reason for her to change her name.

No good reason to change your married name when you are no longer married? I feel like the whole not being married anymore thing is a good reason.

crosstalk · 23/02/2022 16:59

Oh for heaven's sake, what a palaver.

I kept my own name after DC who took their father's.

Mine was already double barreled. Theirs would have been triple barreled.

Neither of them minded at all.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 23/02/2022 17:01

YABU OP. You need to critically interrogate the fact that B considers A having a name of her choosing as punishing and erasing him. There's a good deal of male privilege around naming traditions and it's showing up in this situation.

Sweetlikejollof · 23/02/2022 17:02

@crosstalk

Oh for heaven's sake, what a palaver.

I kept my own name after DC who took their father's.

Mine was already double barreled. Theirs would have been triple barreled.

Neither of them minded at all.

Or they could have just taken your name. They wouldn’t have minded that, either.
Roeslein · 23/02/2022 17:03

My son’s name is double-barrelled with my name first (we are happily married, it just sounded better than the other way around), it seems completely normal to me as women don’t change their name upon marriage in my country and not sharing a name can make travel difficult. I don’t understand the problem here, surely she can’t be expected to keep her ex’ name and she should share a name with her DCs if only for practical reasons?

goldfluffyclouds · 23/02/2022 17:09

just stay out of their dramas - if the only basis they want to be friends with you is involving you in all their dramas then you need to walk away as its clearly not getting better but worse.
oh and my kids 8 and 5 still have their dads name not mine - funnily enough they've never thought that's a problem because its never been suggested its a problem - i agree with your view that the ideas are being planted on them - but like i said before - stay out of the dramas.

Original poster
BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 17:11

B is convinced that it will start off as smithson-Johnson before the Johnson being dropped. He's also bemused by the choice of smithson rather than her maiden name. He is convinced that she would rather him not be involved at all. He's partly correct in that.

A thought he'd remain as uninvolved when they separated as he was when they were together and she has found it hard that he's stepped up now rather than when she was begging him to in order to save their marriage and she has found being without the DCs difficult. She acknowledges that and has said she'd prefer him to get a new partner, new kid and leave her to it. But not to the extent I think that she would deliberately erase him but she wouldn't be sad if he erased himself if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
CallMeDaddy58 · 23/02/2022 17:14

& if A remarries one day & changes her name for a third time? My Mum had my Dad’s name until I was 5. Then she had her maiden name. Then she remarried when I was 10 & took her new husbands name. I had my Dad’s name the whole time despite him living in a different country to me and my Mum. I now have my husbands name which is a double barrel of his Mum & Dad’s name. Both his Mum and Dad don’t even have those names anymore as they remarried and re double barrelled with new partners!

The name isn’t going to traumatise her 7 year old. The petty bullshit between her and his father will. Speaking from experience.

Original poster
BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 17:16

There is probably an element of me that thinks well you had the same name as them why change it if you / DC were that bothered. I can see why that's maybe not completely wrong but not right either.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 23/02/2022 17:18

A is adamant that she will never remarry but with the caveat that if she does she won't change her name again.

B is highly likely to remarry. Even if not C he will not remain single for long.

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 23/02/2022 17:21

Why do you need to agree or disagree? Struggling to see what this has to do with you at all, really. If they are insisting on talking about it I'd tell them I didn't want to be involved because it's none of my concern.

SickAndTiredAgain · 23/02/2022 17:22

Both of them are unreasonable to drag friends into it to this extent. Fair enough to talk to your friends about it, but don’t involve someone and then get pissy if they disagree with you.

CourtRand · 23/02/2022 17:22

The child wants to change his name so should be allowed.

Sweetlikejollof · 23/02/2022 17:26

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

B is convinced that it will start off as smithson-Johnson before the Johnson being dropped. He's also bemused by the choice of smithson rather than her maiden name. He is convinced that she would rather him not be involved at all. He's partly correct in that.

A thought he'd remain as uninvolved when they separated as he was when they were together and she has found it hard that he's stepped up now rather than when she was begging him to in order to save their marriage and she has found being without the DCs difficult. She acknowledges that and has said she'd prefer him to get a new partner, new kid and leave her to it. But not to the extent I think that she would deliberately erase him but she wouldn't be sad if he erased himself if you know what I mean?

The last name she chooses for herself is none of his business.

And if, having double barrelled, she attempts to ‘erase’ his name, then he had cause for complaint. However, that hasn’t happened and he has nothing to prove that it will. In a few years, it’ll be completely up to the kids, anyway.

I’m not really seeing his argument here.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 23/02/2022 17:28

Yes, B's whole attitude to the names oozes with male privilege here.

Candycan · 23/02/2022 17:31

from everything you've written, the dad sounds a right pillock.

he has treated your friend appallingly tbh - checked out, didn't bother and didnt step up as a dad when they were together. she repeated asked/begged/pleaded for some effort on his behalf. nothing.

she has had enough of this so leaves him. He then decides he would like to be involved much more, which is convenient, especially considering he wanted to get back together. when this doesnt work, he shacks up with one of all your mutual friends.

you, who was originally the mums friend, have remained equal mates with both of them and judging from your posts on here, think much higher of him than of her.

aside from the fact, that I think it is entirely fair and understandable that she would want the children to have the same name somewhere in their surname, I don't think you would be my friend anymore.

Minesababycham · 23/02/2022 17:31

@StepAwayFromGoogling

People whose needs are most important in this scenario: DC. People who are prioritising their needs in this scenario: Both Mum and Dad. Mum, by changing her name when it was clearly going to upset her DC. Dad, by kicking off when DC want to double barrel their name.
Absolutely agree with this!
rwalker · 23/02/2022 17:39

I'd keep out but the fact she's thinks it's ok to withhold access moved 50miles away and grant the bare minimum access .
Then done the name thing with kids
Sound like she's weaponising kids

personally I'd drop her she's going to end up with some damage kids how sad

WorriedMumsDontSleep · 23/02/2022 17:43

@Candycan

from everything you've written, the dad sounds a right pillock.

he has treated your friend appallingly tbh - checked out, didn't bother and didnt step up as a dad when they were together. she repeated asked/begged/pleaded for some effort on his behalf. nothing.

she has had enough of this so leaves him. He then decides he would like to be involved much more, which is convenient, especially considering he wanted to get back together. when this doesnt work, he shacks up with one of all your mutual friends.

you, who was originally the mums friend, have remained equal mates with both of them and judging from your posts on here, think much higher of him than of her.

aside from the fact, that I think it is entirely fair and understandable that she would want the children to have the same name somewhere in their surname, I don't think you would be my friend anymore.

Exactly. Yabvu.
Ttcfinalbub · 23/02/2022 17:48

You aren't being unreasonable because it should have nothing to do with you and you shouldn't be dragged into the messy relationship! Send them to mediation. I think you are being unreasonable by thinking it isn't important, break ups can be rough on kids and anger and confusion they may feel lost and having the same name can mean alot. Other parent keeping what I presume might be a married name previously might be a big deal for her as for some losing the surname can be a big first step in rebuilding their life. IF it is genuinely important to the child ( parent a could be pushing this on child) both parents should be able to sort it out with respect on both sides to keep both parents name in.

ForeverSingle881 · 23/02/2022 17:48

B sounds like an arsehole to me. And you sound naive if you thought you can stay friends with both and choose random sides without affecting your friendship.

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