To not think its right to bouble barrell child's name after divorce?

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

Parent A (female) and B (male) split last year. No affairs, no DV. Parent A felt B checked out of marriage and family life despite repeated requests to change didn't so instigated split. Parent B doesn't agree obviously felt blindsided by split and initially hoped they'd get back together. Now has new partner.

They have 2 DSs aged 7 and 2. DSs are with B every other weekend and 1 midweek for tea every week.

Split is not amicable in that they do not get on, all communication is by email, they handover on the doorstep, its still quite fraught.

A legally changed her name a few months ago. It's not her maiden name but a name she has chosen that has meaning to her. Oldest DS is upset that he no longer shares the same name as mummy. She's had discussions with him about double barrelling and DS likes that idea so she has asked B to agree with her new name being first.

B doesn't want to agree as he feels it's a wider pattern of punishing him and wanting to erase anything to do with him in As life (impossible as they share DCs). Is scared to say doesn't agree as likely to result in contact being messed with.

Both parents are friends of mine but this is causing massive issues (and in the wider group) as the issue is just being spoken about all the time.

I've lost my temper with both of them this week because well I'm just sick of the whole thing.

A has text me this morning to say

"I'm disappointed that you as a mother cannot see the importance for DC1 to feel connected to both of his families by sharing a name. We have been friends for many years and I expected more from you in terms of support. Its clear that your desire to not take sides between me and B is resulting in you taking his side. I think until you can see reason it's best that we hit pause on the friendship"

I have known A for 15 years and met B through her (so known him 12). I never married my DCs father and gave them both my surname.

I admit I don't understand the importance of it. I don't think a 7 year old can really be that bothered or understand the intricacies of changing a name.

AIBU? Am I missing something massively fundamental? As a child is having a different name to one parent really that traumatising?

To some, a name is a large part of their identity. Even if her son isn’t traumatised about it as you
suspect, the idea to double barrel seems completely sensible.

B sounds like a prat. Giving the child both his name and her name somehow erases him, but the child having only his name and not her name is fine? Her asking for their names to be equal is her punishing him, but him refusing has nothing to do with punishing her? He sounds like a misogynist and if I was A I'd be really hurt that you hadn't supported me. When my kids were born we gave them both my partners name and I wasn't bothered but years later when we went through a rough patch I realised how sad I'd be if we split up and they didn't share my name at all so we got them double barrelled. It's important to her, important to the child, and doesn't affect B in any way since his name is still included. Sounds like he's just putting up barriers to get one over on A.

My 7 year old GD doesn't like that she has a different surname to her Mum and I know a few children who feel the same. I don't understand unmarried Mums give the child the Dad's name. Some people find it nice to have a family name connection, especially to the resident parent. B has got to stop playing the victim and get it out of his head that he was being punished, she has the right to a happy life. If he didn't want any of this, he could have been a good partner and Dad. Is there a reason why he has so little contact?

I'm only involved cos it's all she bloomin talks about. She's still very hurt and cross at B and I suspect us all remaining friends with him probably isn't helping. I suspect a PP is right and ill have to "pick" a friend.

I suppose this post was about trying to see if anyone has experienced a child feeling that strongly about it because it's just alien to me (I have a different name to DM) and a couple of posters have responded about that.

I didn't give my DCs my name because I felt strongly about it. DC1 has my name beside ex had left me whilst pregnant and all the advice I had at the time (including on here) was to give him my name to make everything easier. DC2 was then just matched.

Obviously other people feel similarly to A and so I perhaps need to be less annoyed about her message this morning!

Just the other day there was a thread about a divorced woman not wanting to give up her married surname because she wanted to have the same name as her kids, and this was applauded.

If mum has changed her name and the kids want to share a name, I don't see any reason other than pettiness to not accommodate this.

However, you are not being unreasonable to not want to be involved in this bullshit - it's theirs to sort out.

YABU!! Why are you standing by him when she was your friend first? And what re you getting involved? If you don't want to hear about it, don't socialize with that group anymore. Your response was rude and you are clearly not her friend. Her response is perfectly reasonable.

YABU because you're claiming that you don't want to take sides but you're clearly on his side.

Also this idea of "erasing" his name is bullshit, she wants to add her name, not remove his.

You're also a hypocrite because you share a surname with your children and yet you're being dismissive of your friend's desire to share a surname with hers. Different circumstances of course but still.

All mothers should share a surname with their children, most will agree and I suspect that those who don't have mostly been conditioned to accept the status quo. And most men care about sharing a surname with their children even if they don't actually do any parenting.

People whose needs are most important in this scenario: DC. People who are prioritising their needs in this scenario: Both Mum and Dad. Mum, by changing her name when it was clearly going to upset her DC. Dad, by kicking off when DC want to double barrel their name.

Your friend A sounds like a right precious self-absorbed fool.

The children had her name : the one she chose to assume on marriage. If she wants to keep the same as them, she just has to stick to that.

My son has his dad's name, it seemed a tiny gift when he was born, to give him a link to his Dad and family. It has never bothered either of us, and he is now 18.

B has the maximum amount of contact A would allow. Shes been very clear he would have to take her to court for more. He says he wants more but he's not gone to court for more and I am undecided if that's because he likes to play the victim or if it is that he's saving up to do so like he says.

I'll have to come up with a phrase to just say every time they try and discuss it and repeat repeat repeat until they stop talking to me about it

You have no idea why she doesnt want his name any more?

Well it says clearly in the OP no affairs, no DV. So no good reason for her to change her name. Her son had the same name as her. She chose to change her name despite it being upsetting for her son. She wants them to have the same name - she can change her name back.

You can bet your bottom dollar if the name does get double barrelled, Mum will shorten it to her name only pretty quick smart, because very rarely are double barrelled names used day to day.

@Movingsoon21

Another thread showing why women absolutely should not automatically change their name when they marry, or automatically give the kids the dad’s surname…

This.

Start as you mean to go on.

Even if this were being driven solely by A wanting to have equality in name recognition of parentage I'd agree with them. That it comes from the child... well I think we can all see why the marriage failed if this is representative of the fragility of B's ego

I understand your skepticism, however my dcs are 5 and 7 and they would prefer me to ha e the same surname as them and this is unprpmpted from me just because they are aware we don't have the same from conversations

@mrsm43s

You have no idea why she doesnt want his name any more?

Well it says clearly in the OP no affairs, no DV. So no good reason for her to change her name. Her son had the same name as her. She chose to change her name despite it being upsetting for her son. She wants them to have the same name - she can change her name back.

You can bet your bottom dollar if the name does get double barrelled, Mum will shorten it to her name only pretty quick smart, because very rarely are double barrelled names used day to day.

oh your bar is low - could have been anything, obviously enough for A not to want to be married to B anymore.

Just because there were no 'known about' DV or affairs doesnt mean that A&B were both blameless

Honestly, I would respond to both that this is one of a wide number of issues that you have no opinion on as it does not involve you. I would also say that if they value your friendship, the conversation needs to move from their divorce and their kids pronto.

YABU. My DD is double-barrelled post divorce. She's got my surname first, his last. Suits all of us. Even my ex wouldn't be petty enough to have a problem about his daughter keeping her mum's surname.

No I don't think its "traumatising" for a child to have a different surname from his mother but I also don't see why its skin off anyone's nose to let him go along with it? The dad is being a macho prick and needs to get over himself.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon, is he short of £240? That's how much it costs to go to court. He sounds as though he likes to play the victim. She gave him ultimatums, he chose to ignore them.

Yes.

It was to me in 1980 so I changed my name
to my step dads which hurt my dad and I wish I hadn’t.

It’s none of your beeswax

@mrsm43s, when a man checks out if family life and his partner is begging him to change and giving ultimatums, rarely there isn't a level of emotional abuse, manipulation and gas lighting, as well as the lies etc. To get another partner he's had to do all of the things that the ex asked for, he's no victim.

I would be surprised if the child involved is upset that he and his mother don't have the same surname. I suspect it's more that the mother doesn't want to have a different name from her son, which is much more common in my experience, but also doesn't want the same name as her ex-husband. It's understandable that she doesn't want her ex's name, but I think that making it all about the seven-year-old is unfair. He's seven. He'll say whatever he thinks will please his mummy.

A's message to you is emotional blackmail and it's manipulative and unfair, and my guess is that the conversation with her child involved her saying 'Aw, but you don't want to have a different name from Mummy, do you? Wouldn't that make you sad? Don't you like Mummy's new name?' until he said yes to the name change.

While I can understand why she wants to double-barrel her son's name, I think it's telling that she wants to put her name first, as that makes B's name the one it would be easier to quietly drop further down the line. Also, it's a random name that she's picked for herself because she likes it, not her maiden name, and I suspect that both those things are a big part of why B isn't agreeing to the name change, and I think she just has to suck it and deal with it. Ultimately, I don't think anyone can expect their ex-partner to be happy with a change so fundamental as their own child's name.

Either way - A talking about you 'taking sides' and ending a friendship over this just because you have a different opinion from her on this is really bloody toxic. The 'you as a mother' line is so revealing - she's trying to make you feel guilty or that you are less of mother than she is because you don't feel the same way as her, and that's despicable. It's absolutely insane that she says 'by not taking sides, you are actually taking B's side' - that's just backing you into a corner that means the only acceptable solution is for you to agree with her all the time, and that's horrible of her, as is dragging you into this mess in the first place.

She's already changed her name twice, I'd wonder how many more times is she going to, and expect the kids to change their names as well to "match"?

I'm all for double-barrelling but I think it's a bit much to pick a random surname and then complain it doesn't match your kids.

Having said that if I were the dad I couldn't get excited about this one-off change but I wouldn't be agreeing to any more.

@ForeverSingle881 because I've been friends with him for 12 years! Originally when they split they were both very much this is going to be amicable, no need for any drama.

Then A went to stay with her grandparents for 3 months and withheld contact whilst there and B got angry and threatened solicitors and did talk about just going to get DC. A returned and contact was agreed at every other weekend and weekly mid week.

Then B quit his job and took a trainee position in different field which resulted in a 75% income drop and cut his child maintenance accordingly before raising it to slightly above the CMS minimum

A then left the family home and moved but moved 50 mins away from B and swapped DC1s school.

B then started dating C who was a mutual friend of us all including A. He introduced her to DC without telling A on the basis that DC already knew her.

It's just progressively getting worse and I've been trying to sit on the fence so much I've got splinters.

Honestly she sounds manipulative and he sounds self-pitying. OP I suggest you move to Timbuktu and cut them both off.

Honestly, sounds like he was a lazy dad. Tried to stop her ending the relationship. Then he got a new relationship within a year. Took a massive paycut to reduce his maintenance contributions.

She's lost patience with him, changed her name to reduce her connection with him, realised the DC will be sad they don't share a name so planned a perfectly good compromise- the kids have both names.

I can't see what he's done that not self serving, here.