Entitled Parents

[FrustratedTeacher22]

Need a rant! Name changed. I’m a teacher and have been for nearly 15 years. The one part of my job that I hate and that is making me miserable is the parents! I feel there are more and more parents who quite frankly are entitled CFs! I’m so fed up of it. We literally cannot tell parents that their children have behaviour/attitude problems because so many of the parents are defensive and give every excuse under the sun to say it’s not their child or not their fault etc. All we want is for them to support us and support their children to achieve. Am I being unreasonable here? I spend hours of my time dealing with issues before and after school which normally have nothing to do with the kids but the parents. What makes it terrible for me personally is that I live locally to the school I teach in (I can’t move schools due to distance and family/childcare etc). Most people in my situation dislike seeing their class out and about but for me it’s the parents! Just been to the shops and I politely said hello to a parent and she looked me up and down in disgust and turned the other way. Last year I told her that her daughter had been hitting another pupil in the class. Instead of trying to work together to find a solution or a reason for this behaviour it was apparently untrue and that her daughter didn’t do anything. Sorry I’m just sick of this and it’s seriously making me consider leaving the profession.

Op I get it.
I left a job because I couldn’t stand another minute of the attitude of entitlement from the public.
The utter relentless unreasonable demanding and abuse when they could t get what they wanted.

It just wore me down over time and in the end I couldn’t do my job freely and without feeling dread and nausea on my way to work knowing what was coming over the next 8 hours.

Tbh, this is the case in so many jobs. Working near where you live can be a pain in the arse

I don’t blame you one bit, it must be incredibly frustrating and exasperating to have parents working against you when all you’re trying to do is your best for the children. The minority probably spoil it for all parents, but believe me not all of us are like that. I would never in a million years behave like that towards my child’s teacher.

@Naimee87 I’m not a teacher but I work with someone who has a very bright, but very naughty child- mischievous more than anything, loud, distracting, not a bully/nasty as far as I know. She often takes calls from the teacher at work about her son’s behaviour. I think it’s a good thing to be honest, if DD is naughty I want to know about it.

DD is six and I was chatting to one of the school mum’s, her daughter had been taken aside and told off for having a temper tantrum, lashing out when the other children wouldn’t play the game she wanted. The mum said she couldn’t believe this and there’s no way her child would do such a thing…

You always want to believe your child’s version, but you have to accept you aren’t there and you didn’t see it and accept what the teacher has said.

I would hate to be a teacher OP, I don’t have the patience but thank goodness there are people who do!

Thanks everyone. For those talking about SEN behaviours that wasn’t really my point. @Fairislefandango worded it perfectly.

Of course these parents are in the minority and I’m lucky that I do have lots of really lovely, supportive families. However, I feel ‘my child can do no wrong’ attitudes are forever increasing.

I doubt if they are entitled just in conversations with teachers. They probably are rude to retail staff, are the kind of people who lead to the desire for child-free weddings, and drive SUVs badly. Not that it makes it any better for teachers.

Then they wonder why their children are difficult teenagers, not realising they have in part created it.

I think, though, it is really worth questioning what actual practical help a parent's support is. Often it is just validation because they aren't (usually) actually there to ensure their child does or doesn't do this that or the other.

My D.C. was identified as having some SEN (they are now doing very well) when they started school and often the complaints from teachers just really required more well thought out strategies. I used to volunteer in the school (so I did start working in the same class) and never encountered the same problems. I also did encounter some problematic behaviour from other children which was quite quickly resolved (by myself) just through talking to the child (refused briefly to get out of swimming pool) and was profusely thanked. However the teacher taking the group looked genuinely scared.

I have worked with children before in schools and for a charity play scheme in what were described as 'deprived areas' and was used to having to deal with much worse issues but was genuinely surprised at the intolerance over having to deal with even mild behavioural issues from the teachers when my child started school. I had just accepted it was part of the role in my previous work roles.

So I do sometimes wonder...

All behaviour is communication. Perhaps if SEND diagnosis wasn't so shit, training for teachers was better, the curriculum was fit for purpose, funding for all education was better, there were smaller classes where all children received the care, attention and individualised education that the law actually entitles them to... well perhaps the kids wouldn't have the poor attitudes etc that causes so much issue....
Which is why I have SEND kids that were forced out of school and why I home educate.

A relative of mine is a teacher and he refers to such parents as the "It should be taught in schools brigade".

Some parents think that everything is a teachers fault and they should teach discipline,manners, sexual education, financial management, responsibility etc.

As my relative polietely tells them, schools enforce manners, rules but only these are things that should be taught at home. Schools are responsible for educating your kids on the curriculum not their life skills.

I lived on the same road as the secondary school I taught in, no real problems, children either studied their shoes if they saw me out, said hello or were already at our house as they were mates with my children.

Only 1 caused ever me a problem - and he was non teacher neighbours problems too.

With regard to entitled parents/getting behavioural problems across….

Do yo have cctv? Show this to the parents. It’s not that hard to copy the highlights onto a memory stick. Hard to argue with video - although some will try.

Delivering a bollocking at a parents’ evening……. Easier if the child is there.

Don’t rush in guns blazing - parents get instantly defensive.

Ask the child what you are going to say, Go for positives and then ask gently about particular incidents.
Most children will sing like canaries. Then you can do the mending.

You can also bring in anonymous, fictional, children who have complained/informed you about their darling child’s behaviour towards another child X. That one can be hard to argue against.

It also helps if SLT have been pre-warned and are about and a TA who will move them on when/if their time is up.

Some problems won’t be resolved that evening/term/year. Accept it.

Good luck.

The “my child can do no wrong” attitude can fuck all the way off.
To be honest, I’m probably guilty of going the opposite way of school have to ring me for whatever reason or the teacher wants to talk to me, my immediate thought is “Omg what’s he/she done now?!”
I don’t envy you at all OP. I had a friend a while ago who was very much like this - her DS was part of a group of boys alongside my DS who were engaging in a lot of rough play - as little boys often do - but she was the only one who took the “not my boy. he doesn’t do that at home” route. Bear in mind her DS is an only child, so doesn’t have siblings to rough house with at home It was so hard to listen to her go on and on about how her son was the perfect Angel and it was the other boys that were entirely to blame. The rest of us all had words with our DS’s at home about being a bit more careful which eachother at playtime and that was the end of it Which I consider a pretty normal response?!
I figure the “not my child” way of thinking just doesn’t set the kids up well for the future If they are never taught to accept responsibility/consequences for their actions how the hell are they expected to grow into well adjusted adults who understand the basic ideas of crime and punishment?! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

“ Only 1 caused ever me a problem - and he was non teacher neighbours problems too”

Should read ‘ Only 1 caused ever me a problem - and he was CAUSING non teacher neighbours problems too.

He’s fine now, I see him quite regularly and chat every time.

Totally agree. I work with “troubled 14 - 24 year olds” and then you meet the parents….😟

All the people saying children are naughty no sen. How do you know? No one apart from teachers knows my dd diagnosis. A case in point the 6 year old lashing out and having a tantrum is exactly the behaviour my autistic dd displayed. She wasn't diagnosed till age 9. There will be lots of kids with undiagnosed Sen at the moment. In my area the current wait time for assessment is more than 2 years. You end having to fight for everything and get a bit jaded.
And sometimes it's the little things that matter for example dd has the bladder control of the average 3 year old and can't wait to go to the toilet . I'm not being entitled I'm making sure her needs are met.

It's for this very reason that I regularly bring in little baked goods and treats for my children's teachers and thank them profusely whenever I get the chance. And if on the odd occasion I have a little quibble I will work WITH the teacher to sort out a solution etc. In no other occupation would this sort of treatment (rudeness, harassment, entitlement etc) be accepted. Teaching is bloody hard work and in a full classroom of 30 children which is underfunded and understaffed, dealing with additional needs whilst trying to push the high achievers and deal with the mountains of planning and preparing and marking and reports and checks and meetings etc etc, I take my hat off to each and every teacher. Can you tell I'm passionate about this?! Lol T.A here thank goodness, I don't think I've got the mental strength to be a teacher sadly.

It's such an interesting discussion.
@Suzi888 i do understand that hearing whats happening at school is necessary as you only get a convaluted very 'onesided' version from the kids, but to the extent that he is keeping in touch it feels just too much. @RealBecca your point is so interesting. I've tried my best to support the teacher as best i can. But what more can i do, we see a child psychologist, my son's been tested twice for ADHD and Autism and does't have either condition. I honestly don't have any issues at home with him. I've been quizzed by the teacher on this several times as he is convinced his home-life is the issue. I have made sanctions at home with screens/seeing friends when the teachers been in touch but it seems my son can't do right for doing wrong... the daily updates don't seem to stop. I printed off over 28 A4 pages the other night of text messages between us in the space of a few months. I'm trying to escalate things a bit and have the Head get involved.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Try being a nurse, we have to be nice to people who treat us appallingly. I had to apologise to someone recently when I hadn’t even done what I was accused of. And my manager agreed that it wasn’t something I would have done.

I always write my PIN number down and tell them to report me.

[quote PupInAPram]@Mumofsend how incredibly insulting to teachers who participate in ongoing training in the various strategies needed to help SEN students. It is possible for SEN children to behave badly in ways that are nothing to do with their special needs. The response to that should of course take into account their SEN, but it doesn't mean SEN children can never face the same behavioural procedures as other students.[/quote]
I think thats true and there is too much black and white thinking about behaviour. Some parents whose child may have a diagnosis of something will say thats the reason for challenging behaviour. It might be, or it might not, sometimes it is and sometimes it isnt. Children who have a number of different needs or disorders also need parenting tailored to those needs, if the child doesnt get that parenting it spills over into more challenging behaviour and distress.

@Naimee87

It's such an interesting discussion. *@Suzi888 i do understand that hearing whats happening at school is necessary as you only get a convaluted very 'onesided' version from the kids, but to the extent that he is keeping in touch it feels just too much. @RealBecca* your point is so interesting. I've tried my best to support the teacher as best i can. But what more can i do, we see a child psychologist, my son's been tested twice for ADHD and Autism and does't have either condition. I honestly don't have any issues at home with him. I've been quizzed by the teacher on this several times as he is convinced his home-life is the issue. I have made sanctions at home with screens/seeing friends when the teachers been in touch but it seems my son can't do right for doing wrong... the daily updates don't seem to stop. I printed off over 28 A4 pages the other night of text messages between us in the space of a few months. I'm trying to escalate things a bit and have the Head get involved.

This may not apply to you but some parents really do think they are putting in sanctions and following advice but the reality is they are not following through or being consistent with them and so there isnt a message that is effective. There are some children who only play up at school but thats because there are not effective boundaries at home so theres nothing to play up about at home

I’m not sure you’ve got the right definition of gentle parenting, unless you’re saying that the overly-permissive parents are mistakenly calling it that.
There’s a world of difference between gentle parenting - listening to a child, understanding their needs, explaining the consequences of their actions in real terms (i.e. what their actions have done to someone else/their environment/their own education, rather than what you’re going to do to them/take from them), and permissive parenting - letting them do whatever they want while defending them to the hilt.
In fact, in my experience (16 years as a secondary teacher) the very worst kids are the ones whose parents are rigid and punitive, and motivate their children with external rewards like cash for grades. That’s how you raise a kid who behaves perfectly when the strict person is watching them, and is then cold-hearted, un-motivated and can’t read their own moral compass whenever they’re left to their own devices.

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@stimpyyouidiot - Thank you. I really feel for you. i think you need riot gear. I can just imagine the parents who defend their children because they were likely just that way themselves.

I think i'll stick to teaching business english to adults only once i have mastered the one handed typing bit

It sounds hell.

So it seems that the teacher is somewhat justified in his level of contact. No one seems to have quizzed this... i just feel its way over the top. I think being consistent is important and perhaps with his punishments at home i haven't always been that great. But it's hard when there isn't anything happening at home to punish, and so my son gets punished at school and then has to be punished again at home or i'm seen as uncooperative. Luckily he's only with this particular teacher till the summer. I've only had issues with him, previous teachers who were all women were never on our case as much. I'm hoping he can transfer somewhere else though after the next school holidays.

The worse parents are those who ‘gentle parent’ so when their child has to do something they don’t want their child is horrified! Same child who is used to their parent looking on adoringly as their child expresses their opinion, not realising not everyone wants to listen to them for the x time that day. Children who come in the wrong size shoes, unsuitable coat, extravagant hair accessories, sunglasses when it’s raining, umbrella when there isn’t any space to dry it and their parent picks them up anyway so can bring it and on and on!

Parents need to realise being so ridiculously indulgent and failing to say no is not helping their child to be likeable or make friends.

I just want to say thank you OP - I think teachers should be paid more for doing such an important job. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be dealing with parents in denial over their kids bad behaviour. I don’t know where this culture of entitlement stemmed from but it’s everywhere. Selfish and entitled - the current gov leading by example doesn’t help!