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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your OH hate when your mum comes round?

82 replies

moneymoneymoneybags · 22/02/2022 21:42

My mum lives on her own and only really has us up here and we will see her probably twice a week.

We are going for a private scan tomorrow so she will come and watch our kids, we do normally drop them at hers but we have more space and the kids have all there toys so I have said she can come here (which he doesn't want either)

He said she can come down half an hour before we leave, I said no I do want to see my mum aswell you know. Normally she will come down at around 11 and stay till dinner and I will drop her back.

But it's like every time I tell her come down he's in the background pulling faces or saying no not today.

If it was his mum that lived round the corner I couldn't give a crap I enjoy everyone's company especially on maternity leave!!

We've just got into a huge argument over it and I said I can't imagine other peoples husbands are like this and he seems to think they are.

Is it man thing? Or does he just need to get a life!

OP posts:
Norgie · 23/02/2022 07:33

My DH would never object to either of my parents visiting, as I wouldn't with his, however often they visited or for how long.

LimeSegment · 23/02/2022 07:35

If I was your DH, I'd have a little chat then get on with other things. He can't complain then hang around like a bad smell for 8 hours. In fact I'd be really annoyed if I was trying to hang out with my mum and my DH was following us around for hours.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 07:36

I wouldn't want my in-laws here that often - so I do sympathise with him.

Featuredcreature · 23/02/2022 07:38

The fact he doesn't want you to go there, or tags along if you go into town with her makes him sound controlling. Like he just doesn't want you spending time with her without him there. Even spending hours talking when she is at yours, despite not wanting her to come in the first is a bit odd, surely he could just go out or upstairs. Might just be my suspicious mind.

mummypie17 · 23/02/2022 07:41

My DM comes over about twice a week too. My DH doesn't mind as she's mainly spending time with me and the kids (I'm on maternity leave) and he's just working in his office. We also see his parents a lot and I'm fine with that.

anothername007 · 23/02/2022 07:51

I would find that too much time to spend with my MIL. Can't she come when he's not there?

FlushTheLoo · 23/02/2022 08:22

It depends on what your mum is like, and whether they get along etc. I couldn't stand it tbh. MIL in the house with us for basically the whole day. No thanks!

hellcatspangle · 23/02/2022 08:31

My DH has always been like this visitors, it's really wearing isn't it? I never used to let it stop her coming round, but it's always made me feel awkward and like I was torn in two.

Tbf mine doesn't like spending time with his own family either, he's just antisocial all round.

My only advice is try not to let it get to you. Spend time with your mum when it suits you, not when it suits him. You won't change him, so you'll have to ignore him!

availablesizerange · 23/02/2022 11:11

I wouldn’t want my MIL around that often, and like your husband I’d be very polite when she was round but would definitely moan about it. I wouldn’t want MY Mum around that often either!

However if she provides free childcare then he needs to suck it up a bit, you can’t take take take and not give in return.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:14

@OinkyO

No because my mum is lovely
My mum is lovely too (and so is my MIL) but I still wouldn't want to spend 7+ hours in my house with them twice a week.
EmbarrassedAllOver · 23/02/2022 14:17

Is he your partner, or your dad?

Where does he get off telling you no? Sounds like a bit of a prick to me.

He wants the childcare but otherwise no relationship. Hmmm.. not very nice. I'd be hurt if I was your mum to know someone's pulling faces behind my back.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:29

@EmbarrassedAllOver

Is he your partner, or your dad?

Where does he get off telling you no? Sounds like a bit of a prick to me.

He wants the childcare but otherwise no relationship. Hmmm.. not very nice. I'd be hurt if I was your mum to know someone's pulling faces behind my back.

Would you want your house taken over twice a week by someone you didn't really like? She may be OP's mum, but nobody said you had to like your in-laws.

It's just as much his house as it is OP's house, so I do think he should get a say as to who spends time there, especially when it's such a huge amount of time.

I see my mum for a good chunk of time most weeks, but I'd never inflict her on DH lol. Don't get me wrong, they like each other and get on, but she's my mum, not his. Equally, I wouldn't want to go and spend hours with my MIL - as nice as she is, she's not my mum and I wouldn't want to have to spend time with her in my house for 8+ hours twice a week.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 23/02/2022 14:32

My DH sees my Mum more than me! He pops round when I'm at work for a cuppa. So no, it's not normal and he would have no issue at all with her coming round. He also got on very well with my Dad and loved visiting them both.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2022 14:36

I’d say anyone who wouldn’t cheerfully get along with my mom, respect and help her, and who pulled faces about her coming round would simply not be my DP. It’s 100% a deal breaker for me.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2022 14:38

@fairylightsandwaxmelts the OP’s mom is there that long this once because she is babysitting while they go off out. It’s not a weekly thing. The OP also says that at least half the time she sees her mom it’s at her mom’s house or out and about. It’s really not hard to read the OP’s posts is it?

TempName01 · 23/02/2022 14:38

It sounds like he does like her and is happy chatting but he either might be feeling like he has lost the time where he could have been getting stuff done - or if he is like me, introvert who likes socialising but is exhausted after. I would go out of my mind if my MIL was over for that long, she is non stop.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 14:39

My bloke loved my mum - well, everyone did really. She was always welcome in our house. If she hadn’t been I’d have shown him the door.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:41

[quote BitOutOfPractice]@fairylightsandwaxmelts the OP’s mom is there that long this once because she is babysitting while they go off out. It’s not a weekly thing. The OP also says that at least half the time she sees her mom it’s at her mom’s house or out and about. It’s really not hard to read the OP’s posts is it?[/quote]
I've read her posts.

She's still there a big chunk of time at least once a week. OP says herself she's normally here 11am until dinner time - that's, what, eight hours at a minimum?

That's a lot IMO - I definitely wouldn't want to spend that much time with any of my in-laws each and every week.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/02/2022 14:42

No, she’s there that long this time because she wants to see her before they go out, and give her her tea when they get back.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 14:45

Oh @LuluBlakey1, your post brought tears to my eyes. That’s lovely.

Dillydollydingdong · 23/02/2022 14:47

No it's not just a man thing. If you listen to all the MNers on here moaning about their MILs you'd think all paternal MILs are monsters to be avoided at all costs.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:47

@BitOutOfPractice

No, she’s there that long this time because she wants to see her before they go out, and give her her tea when they get back.
She says:

Normally she will come down at around 11 and stay till dinner and I will drop her back.

Which implies that that's what happens even when they're not going for a scan?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/02/2022 15:06

He sounds horrible! Does he know how ungrateful he sounds? “You can do us a favour and mind our children, but you can only come just in time for that. We don’t want to see or speak to you.”

ForeverSingle881 · 23/02/2022 15:11

11am until after dinner every weekend? That's too much.

SartresSoul · 23/02/2022 15:13

I’d say it’s relatively normal not to enjoy spending time with your IL’s, yes. I don’t not like mine but MIL in particular can be quite suffocating. She’s just not like me in any way (probably why DH loves me so much 😂), she’s loud and overbearing. DH struggles to spend time with her too so we don’t it often. FIL is nice enough but usually comes with his partner who is a bit of a twat so we don’t spend much time with them either. I don’t think DH likes spending much time with my Mum, he’s a bit scared of her for some reason. She’s my Mum so not scary to me at all but he says she’s stern which I suppose she is a bit.